Heartbroken
The very last piece of my heart has been broken. It has finally been done. I now have nothing left, and nothing to look forward to.I am right back to where I started. Seems like this happens every year. The cancer is back, and my girlfriend who I thought the world of leaves me. Perfect timing. I have almost come to expect it. Nothing surprises me anymore, and now I am left yet again, to deal with this on my own. It just hurts knowing that i dont have that special someone to lay down with and tell me that everything is going to be ok, and that no matter WHAT, they will never leave my side. Its just that after something like this, you feel more vulnerable knowing that your life is on the line. All I ask from everyone is honesty...and I just cant seem to get that. I have no idea where I stand right now. I thought I had it figured out, I thought I had it right this time, but I didnt. I have scared another one away into the arms of someone else. Its not that I try, I just havent found that someone who is brave enough yet. Who has the courage to be with me regardless of what I am or am about to go through. I have tried dating girls younger than me, the same age as me, and older than me. They have all proven one thing to me, and that is that so far they are all immature. They are all the same, regardless of how much they tell you, and assure you, and plead with you that they are different and that they arent like those "other" girls, they are ALL the same. I have nothing to look forward to. I dont even want to go to my appointments tomorrow. These are things that you just cant go into when your down, you have to be up constantly and I just cant do that right now. I am so confused, I just thought I had EVERYTHING this time...I never felt more happier in my life, and now its all gone, and I am left here, confused, about to face the biggest fight of my life.....again. It never ends for me, and more and more these days I wish it would. More and more I think to myself "I just dont want to be here". Its not worth it. I dont even want to fight anymore. This life obviously has nothing in store for me which probably explains why its trying to get rid of me. Why fight? Why fight nature? She always wins. I am a fool for trying. I dont know anymore...the only things keeping me here are my family and friends. I dont want to hurt them, or make them suffer with my choices. So I remain. Maybe I was too insecure, maybe I was too paranoid, maybe I have been too traumatized in the past. I dont know what it is, I wish I did. I dont want to sound like a baby who cries when things dont go my way, thats not how it is at all....well really, i dont care what anyone thinks, but thats not the point. This has happened to me too many times. This all just sounds so rediculous to me now that I have just read everything I wrote....but I need to get this out or it will eat away at me in the most unhealthy way. I dont want that. I feel like a whiny piece of shit for complaining, but the world needs to know how I feel. I AM NOT SOME DISEASED PIECE OF SHIT.....AND I WILL NOT BE TREATED LIKE ONE!! I am on the verge of being told that I have incurable cancer, and now this. I just dont want this anymore....I dont want it. I need time to think. I need to go and straighten myself out, to clear my head...and allow myself to heal. I have big things ahead of me...I cant go into them like this. Life is not on my side and I dont know what I ever did to deserve this. I have done nothing but give my heart to everyone my whole life......what have I done? I just need to keep writing until I feel better. All of this isnt just about the breakup...but thats what triggered it, and now everything I have been holding in is coming out. I didnt want this. I dont know what I have to do to gain peace, and earn my life back. Everything is looking so grimm. I know the saying goes "Dont let them know that your hurt" or "Dont show them that your hurt"...but I cant hide it...I am hurt, badly. And it leads to other pains. Its like a chain reaction. I just want inner peace, and I just want my life back.