surprising news on my health
I woke up from a nice, deep-sleep nap about ten minutes ago and instantly my phone rang. It was strangely surprised to hear my doctor's voice on the other end. What surprised me even more was that he didnt really sound too thrilled. This didnt really occur to me till later because I was still in that aftersleep haze that your in when you first wake up. He said he was calling about my PET scan that I had done last wed. I asked how it turned out and he said that a few of the lymph nodes "lit" up and he was a little concerned. He had previously talked to my mother on the phone about it, she got a little worried and then he called me. Now when I say "lit" up, it can mean anything, usually that the lymph nodes showed up a little more than they should have. This happens every once in awhile, nodes light up. Its not really always a bad thing. He said it wasnt any organs. Just nodes in the neck, chest, and abdomen. The usual problem areas of course. So he is going to send the information over to my other doctor in Boston, Dr. Soifer. He said that he wants to perform a biopsy to check everything out. He will get back to me when he figures out which area of my body will be a good spot to perform a biopsy. I cant believe this. I am fresh out of just having a surgery, and now another biopsy. And this soon. I cant take this anymore. There are no breaks for me. No wonder I have been fighting this so long. All of this operations so close together arent allowing my body to friggin HEAL. And if the inevitable happens, that it does turn out to have come back.......I dont know what I am going do. We have already performed our last option. And that has appeared to have worked up until now. I guess I am just going to have to accept the fact that maybe, just maybe, I wasnt destined to win this fight after all. For some reason, I was meant to die. It sounds crazy, and it sounds like I have given in to defeat.....but lets look at it logically here, nothing has worked, and when it has, it hasnt worked very well.....we have tried absolutely, ABSOLUTELY everything...I have been on every type of chemo, I have had BOTH types of Stem Cell Transplants done, I have had major experimental drugs, parts removed, transplants put in, bone marrow procedures, and more. It finally looks like I am going to have to somehow accept the fact that my life was meant to be taken away from me. This sounds really selfish on the part of whoever is running things around here. WHY AM I NOT ENTITLED TO LIVE? WHY MUST I DO THIS? WHAT EXACTLY AM I SACRIFICING MYSELF FOR? I guess there is no such thing as a living hero. You have to be dead. I guess I will be a hero sooner than I think. I dont know how I am going make myself accept this, I guess it will come naturally. I just dont see why...why me? I have so much going for me. Why do I have to lose it all? What exactly is going to be benefited from my loss? I am going to have to face it. I thought I could conquer..and every time I have, they have only been temporary teases, only to have my spirits crushed later on. Why must I be tortured like this? Well, if I am going to die....I am going out in style. The way I want, and surrounded by who I want. So for reasons that are beyond me, it was in Life's plan for me to lose this battle. I really did think I had it this time too. I really did. I thought it was all over....for good, Finally. Accepting death isnt really going to be hard for me, at least thats how I feel now. Then again, I am also just blowing off steam because of what I just heard, and I shouldnt jump to conclusions. Nothing is set in stone, we arent sure of anything yet. The reason I am down though is because so far, everytime this has happened...nothing good has come of it. Its like a fortelling sign of things to come. Which in a way is a good thing...gives me time to prepare. I guess I am destined to be a part of something bigger. I always thought that I was meant to do good things down here...but I guessed wrong. I am in that predictable feeling of shock and depression that has haunted me soooo many times. Only time will tell...I will keep you all posted. I am not meant to win this fight. I guess I can accept this. But I AINT QUITTING YET!!!!!!!