Nothing but the best
Kinda don't know why I'm writing here. It's been so long that I doubt anyone cares -- and deservedly so! It's all my own problem for my tendency to retreat into myself when I'm overwhelmed... and I haven't been *not* overwhelmed since ... ummm... I was fourteen or so. :P
But yeah. Suffering from my first broken heart, which is really stupid because it's not like I was actually dating anyone. I just let my fantasies get carried away by a stupid myuboy who was probably trying to just be sweet, but ... well, he led me on. I dunno if he noticed it. He HAD to, were he a thinking human being, but hey, he's a stage actor, so who knows. -____-
I mean, seriously. How can you say to someone's face (after I told him that I was sad about the end of his radio show), "But we can still communicate through my blog!" in December, and then in January say (via PM) "Sorry, my new official blog won't let me send/receive direct messages anymore" and ... expect me to not be hurt?
どうかわかって下さい, he said. "Thank you from the bottom of my heart," he said.
...
ふざけんじゃねー。
...
But I've never ... that is ... I think I've managed to put my finger on why it hurts so bad (ASIDE FROM HOW MUCH HE LED ME ON IN DECEMBER, seriously... "Did you see the TV this morning? There was a show on about California, so I watched it and thought about you!"<-- verbatim, in English, which he had clearly brushed up on since I'd talked to him for 20+min the night before, at which point a lady who worked at the theater thought we were 知り合い and not actor/fan....)
-- anyhow, but I think it's because I've never been able to TALK about my crushes before. Which is silly, but true. Ever since I was a kid, I've never been able to talk about guys I liked until well after the infatuation was over. From freaking Stephen R. in kindergarten, man, all the way through university. (I haven't had a crush on anyone since college, honestly. But that's because I was working hard in my stupid elementary school teacher career, and how many young, attractive, single guys does a fledgeling schoolteacher meet? Not many, I'll tell you what.)
But really. It's just something I never, ever talked about, even with my nearest and dearest. I remember telling my friends in high school about my crush on David M. in middle school, and they basically implied that until then, they'd just kinda thought I was asexual or something, 'cause I never said anything. Really, I think it's because when I was young -- through middle school, I guess -- I always had a boy I sighed over, but it was always kinda my secret thing. I was afraid of being judged, I guess... either that the boy wasn't "cool" by my friends' standards, or he was *too* cool for someone like me.
Hell, I even judged myself. That's why I ran from the last big crush I had, ... when I was eighteen. That's ten years ago, for those who're counting.
Maybe that's why I could talk about this one. Of course, it started with a joke (俺の嫁など), but it was a joke that was ... okay to make. I wasn't stalking a myuguy that anyone actively cared about, so it wasn't fear of a fangirl army -- to be honest, for the past year at least I've mostly not thought about him as a myuguy, since I didn't start obsessing over him through it. I mean, honestly now -- but he still ran with that crowd, so it must be "safe" to say hey, him, he's the one for me. Tee hee. Joke joke. And I felt *normal*(ish).
But the more plays and events I went to, the more I became able to talk to him. After shows, through his radio show, via a few direct messages on ameblo. Hell, we're even friends on ameba pig. And then in December... I'm not exaggerating. I came to his show on a whim because I'd had a bad day at work, was on emotional edge and would've just sat at home and cried otherwise, and even planned to leave afterward without waiting to chat in the lobby, because I didn't feel emotionally strong enough.
... But of course he spotted me and waved at me and asked me to wait a sec while he finished with the group of people he'd been talking to, so I sat on the bench and tried to compose myself (kind of snubbing other actors accidentally, including Naruto's seiyuu and the guy who played Ikkaku in Burimyu, whom I totes didn't even recognize with hair), and after he walked the others to the door, he came and sat next to me on the bench. And chatted with me as we sat side by side. And I was so on edge and emotional about work that I cried a little anyway, which clearly freaked his shit out, but he still awkwardly patted my shoulder and looked at me with concern until I got myself together.
He sulked that he'd come in last place during the cast arm-wrestling segment, and even muttered "dammit!" to himself, which was the cutest thing ever. And when I told him I think it was just because they set it up stupidly, on the floor instead of on the table, he brightened up. (Also flexed for me. Poor, poor little q-tip... but the flex looked nice. Too bad there was no meat to go with it.)
Other actors came over and each time he introduced me, a little bit smugly. "Her name is Melissa!"
I tried to explain to him and another actress what a tumbleweed was. You haven't known a language gap until you try to explain a tumbleweed to Japanese people. ("Is it an animal? A vegetable?")
He didn't know where California was. ("It's on the east, right?") I bought him a kids' book over the holidays as an omiyage. Hurts to look at it now, though I'll probably still give it to him in March. Provided my wounds have healed.
He shook my hand when I finally left that night, and then rubbed it with the other one -- "Oh, your hand is so cold!"
And the next day he'd clearly psyched himself up to use English with me. When I said he'd looked cool and tall onstage, he called himself a dancing totem pole. When I asked him if he was going to keep the stupid goatee after the play, he asked me what he thought I should do, and when I said "uhhhh, I think you're better without," he said, "Then I'll get rid of it."
Last thing he said to me in December, since we'd talked about my upcoming trip home, was "See you next year!"
...
Did I really, really think there was something there? A little bit, I guess. I would've said no until I saw him in September and then December, when suddenly he was so much more familiar-acting in person, but then I thought, maybe, with time...
... but oh well. I'm happy he's with a good agency. I guess that's what he wanted. He probably had a cute little jimi na Shizuoka honey all along, anyway. I should've flirted with his pals at club more when I had the chance.
(oh wait, no, ew. Mkp is right out 'cause ew -- THOUGH HE'S FRIENDS WITH MY SISTER ON TWITTER LOL LOL LOL -- and bnch is ... I traumatized him enough when I tackled him platonically. Poor guy, doesn't even know he's gay. And takuya's not motoyome's pal. But thank god on that one, too. I only danced with him, and still had my wallet by the end of the night. lol.)
(a year's gotta be the statute of limitations to talk about chance meetings in noisy clubs, right? poor bnch will never let that friend take him out clubbing again. and mkp hates me now. lol.)
...
Of course in my heart of hearts I knew all I'd ever be was a fan, but the feeling of "now I'm with this elite agency so remember you belong firmly in the fanzone" is what hurts.
That, and I still don't know how to talk or think about "real" boys like a "real" person. I just liked to fantasize that maybe I was more meant for something unreal. But no. I'm just a loser who's 29 in a month but still is afraid of grown-up feelings.
Reality bites.
But yeah. Suffering from my first broken heart, which is really stupid because it's not like I was actually dating anyone. I just let my fantasies get carried away by a stupid myuboy who was probably trying to just be sweet, but ... well, he led me on. I dunno if he noticed it. He HAD to, were he a thinking human being, but hey, he's a stage actor, so who knows. -____-
I mean, seriously. How can you say to someone's face (after I told him that I was sad about the end of his radio show), "But we can still communicate through my blog!" in December, and then in January say (via PM) "Sorry, my new official blog won't let me send/receive direct messages anymore" and ... expect me to not be hurt?
どうかわかって下さい, he said. "Thank you from the bottom of my heart," he said.
...
ふざけんじゃねー。
...
But I've never ... that is ... I think I've managed to put my finger on why it hurts so bad (ASIDE FROM HOW MUCH HE LED ME ON IN DECEMBER, seriously... "Did you see the TV this morning? There was a show on about California, so I watched it and thought about you!"<-- verbatim, in English, which he had clearly brushed up on since I'd talked to him for 20+min the night before, at which point a lady who worked at the theater thought we were 知り合い and not actor/fan....)
-- anyhow, but I think it's because I've never been able to TALK about my crushes before. Which is silly, but true. Ever since I was a kid, I've never been able to talk about guys I liked until well after the infatuation was over. From freaking Stephen R. in kindergarten, man, all the way through university. (I haven't had a crush on anyone since college, honestly. But that's because I was working hard in my stupid elementary school teacher career, and how many young, attractive, single guys does a fledgeling schoolteacher meet? Not many, I'll tell you what.)
But really. It's just something I never, ever talked about, even with my nearest and dearest. I remember telling my friends in high school about my crush on David M. in middle school, and they basically implied that until then, they'd just kinda thought I was asexual or something, 'cause I never said anything. Really, I think it's because when I was young -- through middle school, I guess -- I always had a boy I sighed over, but it was always kinda my secret thing. I was afraid of being judged, I guess... either that the boy wasn't "cool" by my friends' standards, or he was *too* cool for someone like me.
Hell, I even judged myself. That's why I ran from the last big crush I had, ... when I was eighteen. That's ten years ago, for those who're counting.
Maybe that's why I could talk about this one. Of course, it started with a joke (俺の嫁など), but it was a joke that was ... okay to make. I wasn't stalking a myuguy that anyone actively cared about, so it wasn't fear of a fangirl army -- to be honest, for the past year at least I've mostly not thought about him as a myuguy, since I didn't start obsessing over him through it. I mean, honestly now -- but he still ran with that crowd, so it must be "safe" to say hey, him, he's the one for me. Tee hee. Joke joke. And I felt *normal*(ish).
But the more plays and events I went to, the more I became able to talk to him. After shows, through his radio show, via a few direct messages on ameblo. Hell, we're even friends on ameba pig. And then in December... I'm not exaggerating. I came to his show on a whim because I'd had a bad day at work, was on emotional edge and would've just sat at home and cried otherwise, and even planned to leave afterward without waiting to chat in the lobby, because I didn't feel emotionally strong enough.
... But of course he spotted me and waved at me and asked me to wait a sec while he finished with the group of people he'd been talking to, so I sat on the bench and tried to compose myself (kind of snubbing other actors accidentally, including Naruto's seiyuu and the guy who played Ikkaku in Burimyu, whom I totes didn't even recognize with hair), and after he walked the others to the door, he came and sat next to me on the bench. And chatted with me as we sat side by side. And I was so on edge and emotional about work that I cried a little anyway, which clearly freaked his shit out, but he still awkwardly patted my shoulder and looked at me with concern until I got myself together.
He sulked that he'd come in last place during the cast arm-wrestling segment, and even muttered "dammit!" to himself, which was the cutest thing ever. And when I told him I think it was just because they set it up stupidly, on the floor instead of on the table, he brightened up. (Also flexed for me. Poor, poor little q-tip... but the flex looked nice. Too bad there was no meat to go with it.)
Other actors came over and each time he introduced me, a little bit smugly. "Her name is Melissa!"
I tried to explain to him and another actress what a tumbleweed was. You haven't known a language gap until you try to explain a tumbleweed to Japanese people. ("Is it an animal? A vegetable?")
He didn't know where California was. ("It's on the east, right?") I bought him a kids' book over the holidays as an omiyage. Hurts to look at it now, though I'll probably still give it to him in March. Provided my wounds have healed.
He shook my hand when I finally left that night, and then rubbed it with the other one -- "Oh, your hand is so cold!"
And the next day he'd clearly psyched himself up to use English with me. When I said he'd looked cool and tall onstage, he called himself a dancing totem pole. When I asked him if he was going to keep the stupid goatee after the play, he asked me what he thought I should do, and when I said "uhhhh, I think you're better without," he said, "Then I'll get rid of it."
Last thing he said to me in December, since we'd talked about my upcoming trip home, was "See you next year!"
...
Did I really, really think there was something there? A little bit, I guess. I would've said no until I saw him in September and then December, when suddenly he was so much more familiar-acting in person, but then I thought, maybe, with time...
... but oh well. I'm happy he's with a good agency. I guess that's what he wanted. He probably had a cute little jimi na Shizuoka honey all along, anyway. I should've flirted with his pals at club more when I had the chance.
(oh wait, no, ew. Mkp is right out 'cause ew -- THOUGH HE'S FRIENDS WITH MY SISTER ON TWITTER LOL LOL LOL -- and bnch is ... I traumatized him enough when I tackled him platonically. Poor guy, doesn't even know he's gay. And takuya's not motoyome's pal. But thank god on that one, too. I only danced with him, and still had my wallet by the end of the night. lol.)
(a year's gotta be the statute of limitations to talk about chance meetings in noisy clubs, right? poor bnch will never let that friend take him out clubbing again. and mkp hates me now. lol.)
...
Of course in my heart of hearts I knew all I'd ever be was a fan, but the feeling of "now I'm with this elite agency so remember you belong firmly in the fanzone" is what hurts.
That, and I still don't know how to talk or think about "real" boys like a "real" person. I just liked to fantasize that maybe I was more meant for something unreal. But no. I'm just a loser who's 29 in a month but still is afraid of grown-up feelings.
Reality bites.