(no subject)
I royally f*cked up for the first time in a long time. I mean to a point where I truly honestly feel in the wrong completely. Like there is no rationalizing, no matter how many if's and's or but's. Its weird, I know I wasn't doing anything wrong, but what was wrong was being out so late and not calling or informing my number one priority as far as my social life and love life. I didn't pay attention to the time, not purposfully not focusing on the time, but just not putting a stop to how late I was out to be condusive to my relationship. Why did I need to be out so late? I didn't and certainly wasn't enjoying myself, yet I just didn't say lets go earlier. Perhaps because everyone was up for staying up late blah blah blah and I didn't want to be a party pooper. Then again why the hell should I care since I really didn't want to hang out with them after realizing they are a bunch of idiots. *sigh* oh indeed I do it again and this time I know this has went beyond all other things. I don't know where to go with this...I know it's totally against what he is all about and it's now fully settled ideas in his head. Try to prove myself good, but it's always the bad things people remember. All the other times that I've done well are just passed up for being "coincidental or lucky" or rare. Man oh man...I am at a loss here...a big one perhaps if I lose a companion out of all this. I really hope not...but he doesn't have to deal with this. I know he doesn't want to and I know I don't plan to make this a routine...but thats what he believes.. So should I sit here and try to prove him wrong all the time and put forth that much effort just to prove him wrong when I know I can....or just let him think what it is he wants even though I know better of myself? I hate always being thought of in a negative light just because of one action...I guess they do add up and I need to nip it in the butt now. Sheesh could have just not answered the phone, could have not even said a damn thing....you know it's this kind of thinking that gets bad. It's like you just don't want to say anything anymore in fear of something always happening. Then it's like deceiving if you avoid telling them all...no win situation right there if it were to ever be found out. But I told the truth didn't avoid it, but got wrang. *sigh* does this relationship=collateral damage to a long distance effort....IDK.