Like That Third Eye Blind Song Once Said
I’ve never been able to let things go.
It’s been almost four years since I’ve had the chance to drive back to Los Angeles on the 5 at night and I forgot how much I use to love it. Although LA has become my home, which I love dearly, the city rarely offers occasion to sit in the cool moonlight and just think.
The weekend had been a busy one as I had the privilege of presenting at a conference focusing on diversifying participation in digital media and learning. Exhausted, I could barely muster the energy to stay on the road. Yet, as I found myself staring into the distance, I couldn’t shake the words that I had said.
“The last time that we saw each other, we didn’t know who we were. I think that’s why we were so angry. I’ve finally figured out who I am...and so much of who I am now is thanks to you. I’ll always be grateful for that.”
Reunions with exes rarely go well [1], but this interaction left me with a bittersweet smile. Much of the discussion at the conference focused on young people’s representations of identity through digital media and as I discussed youth presence on YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter [2], I couldn’t help but wonder if any of these things really reflected who I was.
Identity, I’ve come to learn, is a tricky subject. I’m only one person, but have digital utilities allowed me to craft multiple personalities? When I play MMORPGs [3], I’m permitted to act in ways that are completely alien to my everyday persona. When it comes to real life, am I all of these characters simultaneously or can I switch back and forth seamlessly? How does my army of Miis allow me to try on different identities online?
In some ways, I see these same struggles reflected in our applicants: young people have learned to define themselves with discrete labels of “student,” “athlete,” “club member,” and “teenager.” This transition makes perfect sense to me as young people inhabit a vastly different world today-much of your lives is lived out online. Teenagers have become incredibly adept at using technology to encode different layers of meaning; information conveyed by texting might differ from online profiles or personal interaction. Depending on the situation, individuals can slide in and out of roles with fluidity and a grace, which might explain how a student can be incredibly dedicated to community service one second and ostracize a classmate the next.
Part of me wonders how the culture surrounding highly selective colleges and universities has played into this process. Are college-going students structuring their lives around learning to be good applicants instead of learning to be good people? How does starting this process from Kindergarten shape a growing child’s mentality toward herself and how she needs to relate to her community? Has the application process forced students to turn their strengths into their brand, which they then sell to colleges? Have students internalized their brands, confusing what they do with who they are?
When I think about an application, I endeavor to understand how all of these components fit together to comprise an individual; I am happiest when I see students as a whole and not a collection of parts. I’m always interested in the process by which students have come to discover a bit more about who they are and what is important to them. I certainly would never expect a high school senior to have everything figured out by the time that he or she graduates, but I firmly believe that those who have spent time thinking about their identity have a better chance of clearly articulating themselves on college applications.
If you’ve read my other posts, you know that pop culture and narrative drive me. However, I'm also interested in exploring the relationships between narrative and identity: how identity can be unpacked to reveal a narrative structure and how narrative shapes identity. [4] My first love, PostSecret, fits into this wonderfully as short narrative, but I'm also look at representations of these themes in popular culture.
True Blood [5] explores how people want to be called something, want to be somebody, want to matter, and want to have a name and a purpose. The show subtly asks audiences to reflect on how characters negotiate their ideas of who they are in light of stereotypes (i.e., “This is who you say I am”), religion (i.e., “This is not all that I am”), and stigma (i.e. “Are you now or have you ever been?”). True Blood discusses the process of building an identity around a name in opposition to earning a name. What happens when your framework is stripped away? When the rules that you relied upon are no longer enforced? What are the symbols that we rely upon to convey our power? What is their inherent meaning? What happens to us when others don’t value them? If we’ve done our job, we still are who we say we are, but if we’ve built up our identity around arbitrary names, then we have nothing.
I frequently mention pop culture because I believe that artistic endeavors help youth to explore the process of identity formation; similar themes of identity abound in Battlestar Galactica [6], Six Feet Under, and Gossip Girl. Popular culture gives you an outside perspective, allowing you to step back from your lives and examine the everyday with a critical eye. Art should not only allow you to reflect culture but also to comment on it.
Walking into my apartment, I threw my duffel bag onto the couch and collapsed on my bed. Through the window, palm trees rustled as I closed my eyes and felt myself slip into a deep sleep.
“I’ve finally figured out who I am...and so much of who I am now is thanks to you. I’ll always be grateful for that.”
As I move forward in life, I struggle to hold onto my sense of self.
I hope I never let go.
Chris formerly worked with the Office of Undergraduate Admission at USC and now resides in the admission office for USC’s College of Letters, Arts, and Sciences. Chris’s work with students has also propelled him to study the intersection of popular culture, media, and online communities as a Master’s student in Annenberg. When not on campus, Chris spends his time trying to find the perfect bowl of ramen or volunteering for 826LA in an effort to use his meager writing talents for social good. Chris is excited to write for the St. Margaret’s community and always welcomes any invitation to drink overpriced coffee while discussing winning tactics in The Amazing Race.
[1] Something teenagers can surely attest to!
[2] I promise that I am not extremely uncool but I will leave out some of the newer venues in case parents are reading
[3] Massively Multi-player Online Role Playing Games
[4] Think about how a label (e.g., “smart”) actually represents a history of events that have led you and your peers to form an opinion about you
[5] A much better product than Twilight
[6] Not just for geeks. Next time you watch, think about how humans have to forge a new identity for themselves in the aftermath of a terrorist attack (and attempted genocide), how individual characters have to renegotiate their positions in society, or how the Cylons see individuality emerge out of a collectivist society.