5.18 Intervention Picspam
(Very image and animation heavy)
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SPIKE: Some say it's better'n the real thing.
WARREN: (nervous) Better than the real thing.
Shot of a pair of feet. Pan slowly up to reveal the BuffyBot. Her eyes are closed as she stands there.
SPIKE: She looks good, but what about the rest? A little walk, a little talk...
Warren stuffing books into a backpack.
SPIKE: ...perhaps a zippy cartwheel...
WARREN: Hey, she's, uh, great. You'll be real happy, I swear, she's got everything you asked for. All the extra programming, tons of real-world knowledge, the profiles you gave me about her family and friends.
SPIKE: *All* the extra programming, right?
WARREN: Ah, the, the stuff that you wanted, the, uh, scenario responses, you know, the, uh, uh, special ... skills ... (nervous laugh) All of it. Now, you said that I could leave-
Warren tries to go past but Spike grabs his arm.
SPIKE: Wait. I'm not sure I'm a satisfied customer. She looks a little shiny to me, you know, uh...
Close shot of the bot's closed eyes.
SPIKE: ...touch of plasticine...
The eyes pop open.
BUFFYBOT: Spike?
Longer shot of the BuffyBot smiling hugely.
BUFFYBOT: Oh, Spike!
She hurries over to Spike, puts her hands on his shoulders and kisses him on the mouth.
SPIKE: She'll do.
Wolf howl. Opening credits.
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Cut to: Spike in his crypt, dancing around in sparring mode.
SPIKE: What you searching for, Slayer, a weak spot? Hmm?
We see that he's circling around the BuffyBot, who holds a stake in one hand.
SPIKE: Try me, give me the best you've got.
She lunges at him with a very lame stabbing movement and he ducks out of the way.
BUFFYBOT: Ooh!
Spike grabs her from behind with one arm around her neck and the other grabbing her hand.
BUFFYBOT: Oh... (panting)
SPIKE: Is that your best, Slayer?
BUFFYBOT: No.
SPIKE: Why not?
BUFFYBOT: I, I wanna hurt you, but I can't resist the sinister attraction of your cold and muscular body.
SPIKE: Maybe I should repay you for your gentleness. Maybe I should let you go.
BUFFYBOT: No! No, Spike. Never let me go.
SPIKE: You know you should be afraid of me. I'm bad.
BUFFYBOT: (seductively) You are. You're very, very bad.
Suddenly she twists out of his grasp and flings him across the room. He lands on his back on the bed. The BuffyBot jumps on top of him, straddling him, and puts her stake against his chest.
SPIKE: Are you gonna do it that way?
BUFFYBOT: (grinning) No.
She grabs the neck of his t-shirt and rips it open as Spike grins. Then she puts the stake against his bare chest.
BUFFYBOT: This way.
SPIKE: (raises his eyebrows) You can't do it.
BUFFYBOT: I could never do it. (drops the stake) I'm helpless against you, you fiend.
Spike shoves her off him.
BUFFYBOT: (smiling) Oh!
She rolls aside onto the floor and lands on her back. Spike lands on top of her, pinning her wrists down.
SPIKE: (whispers) Buffy...
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Cut to: Spike's crypt. Pan across the pillars and the armchair to find Spike and the BuffyBot lying on the floor, on their sides. She lies in front with Spike behind her, his arm around her waist, both covered with a pink sheet. Spike's hair is all disarrayed and spikey.
BUFFYBOT: You're evil.
SPIKE: And that excites you?
BUFFYBOT: It excites me, it terrifies me ... I try so hard to resist you and I can't.
SPIKE: Yeah? (grins)
BUFFYBOT: Darn your sinister attraction.
SPIKE: (seriously) Are you afraid of me?
BUFFYBOT: (big smile) Yes.
SPIKE: (quietly) You know I can't bite you.
BUFFYBOT: I think you can. I think you can if I let you, and I want to let you. I want you to bite me and devour me until there's no more.
SPIKE: (smiles) Like this?
He bites her neck lightly.
BUFFYBOT: (smiling) Oh, Spike, devour me!
SPIKE: All right.
He pulls her over on her back and gets on top of her.
BUFFYBOT: Spike, I can't help myself. I love you.
SPIKE: You're mine, Buffy.
BUFFYBOT: Should I start this program over?
SPIKE: Shh! (frowns) No programs. Don't use that word. Just be Buffy.
She smiles.
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Cut to: Spike lying in his bed asleep. Pan across to the Buffy Bot standing next to the bed, putting on her jacket.
BUFFYBOT: Time to slay.
SPIKE: Yeah... (mumbling in his sleep)
The bot picks up her stake and walks purposefully across the crypt.
BUFFYBOT: Vampires of the world, beware.
Shot of Spike still sleeping.
Blackout.
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Cut to: the Buffy-Bot walking through the graveyard, twirling her stake. Xander and Anya come around a corner.
BUFFYBOT: Hey there!
XANDER: Buffy!
BUFFYBOT: Xander!
Shot of Xander from the bot's perspective. She has a display similar to that of April in "I Was Made..." Folders are labeled "Hard Drive," "Slaying," "Locate Spike," and "Make Spike Happy." Under "Make Spike Happy" are files labeled "kissing01," "kissing02," "positions01," "positions02," etc. up to "positions05" and "More."
At the bottom is a readout that identifies Xander with attributes:
friend
carpenter
dates Anya
BUFFYBOT: And ...
The point of view shifts to Anya. Her attributes are:
dates Xander
likes money
ex-demon
BUFFYBOT: Anya!
Cut to shot of the Buffy Bot's face.
BUFFYBOT: How is your money?
ANYA: (laughs in surprise) Fine. Thank you for asking. (smiles at Xander)
BUFFYBOT: (smiling) Isn't it a beautiful night for killing evil things?
XANDER: I guess.
ANYA: You're back very early.
XANDER: Yeah, how was the whole vision-quest experience?
BUFFYBOT: I don't understand that question. But thank you for asking.
Xander looks confused.
BUFFYBOT: You're my friend, and a carpenter.
XANDER: Are you all right? You're all...
SPIKE: Hey! Wait up!
Spike comes running up.
BUFFYBOT: (happily) Spike! (to Xander and Anya) It's Spike. And he's wearing the coat.
SPIKE: (panting) Yes. Uh ... hello all.
The bot tries to take his hand but he pulls it away.
SPIKE: Uh, Buffy's back early, I see. Lots of patrolling all around tonight, then, is it?
The bot takes his arm and he pretends it hurts, pulls it away.
SPIKE: Ow! Hey. Give a fella a break there, Slayer.
She smiles and tries to walk closer to him but he moves away, going closer to Xander and Anya.
SPIKE: Uh, I'm glad you're all here, uh, 'cause, uh, 'cause ... the place is crawling with vamps tonight. Uh, tons of 'em. I, uh, think we oughta split up.
XANDER: We haven't seen any vamps, are you sure there's...
They hear a noise and all look to the side. Three vamps come around a corner.
ANYA: You're right.
SPIKE: Yep, guess so.
The vamps rush at them. The BuffyBot kicks one and he falls back. Spike engages the second vamp while Xander and Anya take the third. The bot fights like Buffy.
Anya circles around with her stake while Xander exchanges blows with the vamp. Spike kicks his.
BUFFYBOT: Spike, be careful!
The bot kicks her vamp backward.
Shot of two of Glory's demons watching the action from afar.
Spike grabs his vamp by the arm and hits him in the back.
The third vamp has Xander on the ground and Anya runs behind him. Xander gets his feet on the vamp's chest and shoves him back, right at Anya, who stakes him.
The bot punches her vamp several times and he goes down. Spike is still struggling with his foe.
BUFFYBOT: No, get away from him.
Shot of the two demons still watching.
The bot stakes her vamp. Spike has his vamp kneeling on the ground. The bot tosses her stake to Spike, who catches it and stakes the last vamp.
Anya helps Xander up. Spike and the BuffyBot come over to them.
SPIKE: I think that was probably the big action for the night. You two can toddle on home if you want.
XANDER: Uh ... Buffy?
BUFFYBOT: (smiling) Yes. Spike and I will do it alone. You guys head home.
Xander looks suspicious, but he and Anya leave anyway. Spike and the bot watch them go. The bot frowns and wiggles her shoulders. Spike comes around in front of her.
BUFFYBOT: Hmm. I don't understand this. I-I did the slaying. I should be...
SPIKE: (leering) Satisfied?
BUFFYBOT: (nods, pouts) But I'm not. I-I'm all ... (wiggles her shoulders) my skin is all hot. (Spike grinning) Do I look hot to you?
SPIKE: Always.
BUFFYBOT: (suggestively) You better feel me to make sure.
SPIKE: I can do that.
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Cut to Xander and Anya walking through the dark graveyard, out the front gates. They turn and start walking down the sidewalk.
XANDER: I wish Giles told us they were back from the desert. I wish I knew what went on there.
ANYA: Oh, you know, Slayer-Watcher stuff. Probably some silly ritual with an enchanted prairie dog or something.
XANDER: (shakes head) Whatever it was, I think she's still a little spacy.
ANYA: (shrugs) She fought okay.
XANDER: Yeah. (stops walking) Hey, she never asked about Dawn.
ANYA: That's true.
XANDER: Something's wrong.
Moaning noises. Xander and Anya look back at the graveyard. Shot of something blurry, impossible to see through the leaves of bushes that separate the graveyard from the street.
XANDER: (softly) I hear something.
He gestures to Anya to be quiet as they move toward the bushes.
Shot of Spike and the bot still in the graveyard. Spike lies on his back with the bot straddling him and rocking up and down. Her skirt covers their hips.
BUFFYBOT: Oh Spike. You're the big bad.
Shot of Anya and Xander watching in amazement.
BUFFYBOT: You're the BIG bad!
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Cut to Willow and Tara sitting on the sofa watching TV. Tara has her head on Willow's shoulder.
WILLOW: Those darn Salem judges. With their less-satanic-than-thou attitude.
TARA: Oh, honey, let's change it. The Discovery channel has koala bears.
Willow clicks the remote.
Xander and Anya burst in.
XANDER: Where's Dawn?
TARA: She, she's in the bedroom, she fell asleep.
XANDER: Good.
WILLOW: What's goin' on?
XANDER: Buffy's gone insane. (Anya nods)
WILLOW: What? What'd she do?
XANDER: Brace yourself. You're not gonna believe it.
TARA: Everyone, before we jump all over her, people do strange things when someone they love dies. When I lost my mother, I-I did some pretty dumb stuff, like lying to my family and staying out all night.
ANYA: Buffy's boinking Spike.
Xander nods. Willow and Tara look surprised.
WILLOW: (pause) Oh ... well, Ta-Tara's right. Grief can be powerful, and we shouldn't judge-
TARA: What are you, kidding? She's nuts!
WILLOW: Well, it's not healthy, we're all agreeing there.
TARA: What can we do?
ANYA: Sometimes in the movies when they go crazy they slap 'em.
XANDER: I'm gonna go find her and talk to her. If she's losing it, we gotta help her before she gets herself hurt.
TARA: You aren't really gonna slap her, are you?
XANDER: No, but if I have to see her straddle Spike again, I will definitely knock myself unconscious.
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Cut to: Spike leaning against a pillar, smoking a cigarette. His hair is again messy. Rustling noises. Spike looks toward the door as the Buffy Bot rises from the floor in front of him. They both look over at the noise.
BUFFYBOT: Who's that?
SPIKE: (begins fastening his pants) Uh ... Down there. (points to the trapdoor leading down to the cavern) And, uh, no matter what, don't come out till I get you, okay?
BUFFYBOT: (nods) Okay.
She walks over to the trapdoor and starts down.
Spike looks toward the door as it opens and Xander comes in.
SPIKE: Oh, it's you.
XANDER: (closes door) I saw you ... in the cemetery with Buffy.
SPIKE: Yeah? (with bravado) Can't see how it's any business of yours.
XANDER: It is my business because Buffy's my friend .. and she's gone through some stuff lately that ... well, it's affected her, and you're taking advantage of her.
SPIKE: (sighs) She's upset about her mum. (takes a drag on his cigarette) And if she turns to me for comfort, well, I'm not gonna deny it to her. I'm not a monster.
XANDER: Yes. You are a monster. Vampires are monsters. They make monster movies about them.
SPIKE: (sarcastic) Well, yeah, you got me there.
Xander grabs Spike by the front of his shirt.
XANDER: Spike, Buffy has lost of friends, and we love her very much, and we'll do whatever it takes to protect her. Now if that means killing you, then, well, that's just a bonus.
The door opens and Jinx appears.
JINX: Gentlemen! (begins to enter, followed by more demons) I'm so sorry to intrude, but I wondered if I might beg a moment of your time.
SPIKE: (to Xander) Friends of yours?
Jinx punches Xander in the stomach.
SPIKE: Guess not.
Spike kicks Jinx. Xander struggles to his feet as the fight continues. Xander takes another kick to the chin and goes down again. Spike exchanges more blows until two of the demons get him by the arms. He head-butts another of them.
JINX: Tie his hands! Glory will want him restrained.
SPIKE: (struggling) Let me go!
JINX: Careful with him. She will want the key intact.
SPIKE: Key? Who's a key? I'm not the-
Jinx stuffs something in Spike's mouth. Spike continues struggling and muffled yelling as the demons drag him out.
Blackout.
PART TWO
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