(no subject)
I'm sitting here waitng for the laundry to finish. Waiting for this train to pass. Waiting for life to catch up. Things seem so dim lately. I haven't had an up or down since I can't remember. I miss my old friends sometimes. They weren't always the greatest friends but they were friends none the less. Sometimes I wonder if people miss me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just waiting for something to happen while time just passes by. Life is blank. Le vie est spectacle means so much more than it did. I'm just watching and not participating. I look at all these happy people doing their fun things. They enjoy life and company of others while I stare at the wall, hoping that I can hurry to go home. When I think of smoking pot and watching TV or just even the thought of jumping back into my hole here, I get a good vibe. That is a BAD thing. I haven't had a depression in a long while which only means that I have become comfortable with my mediocre standing. I have this permanent picture of Kensey that stays in my head forever. You know what it is. It is so serene and beautiful. She made me happy once. Can anything make me happy again? Sometimes I think no. Life isn't about being happy anymore. It's about success and wealth. It's about power. When I think of happiness...what comes to mind? I don't let people in. I started losing interest in people awhile ago. I've lost a piece of my humanity now. That song fills me with pain and happiness. It's magic. I love when I song does that. When I think of love, I think of Kensey. When I think of Kensey, I think of anger. Such backwards association. I live in apathy lately. Apathy kills.