light at the end
dear journal,
i'm in better spirits today than my last post. i had arthur, abby, and emily visit me. i understand people's lives get busy during the week but i was really starting to feel like they had all forgotten about me. it was so lonely being here by myself. out of sight, out of mind. you know?
but today was filled with cuddles, flowers, hugs, kisses, and i actually started to feel better. at around lunch time, abby and arthur left to pick up some food. emily stayed with me and kept me company. she talked about everything under the sun and i just listened. she sure can talk an ear off! then she did the sweetest thing. she asked me to move over in bed so she could snuggle with me. last time she snuggled with me was probably 6 years ago maybe. maybe. i can't even remember. there was that time she slept with me and arthur when she got scared at arthur's house, but i wouldn't really count that as a "move over, let's snuggle" type of situation. she was desperate. poor thing. i can't even remember when that was, but i remember the panic in her voice.
anyway, she's snuggling with me and we're googling things and she's taking selfies of herself, and then suddenly it hits me. nausea. with a vengeance. it was just so sudden. i managed to say i wasn't feeling well, then said i was gonna puke, and she was right there holding a barf bowl for me while i spewed into it. i was horrified and so was she, but she didn't flinch. she stood there holding my barf and even ran to the bathroom once to empty it. i'm not sure if she called for a nurse or if one just happened to come in, but the nurse took over. after the episode i felt better. i had some water and crackers and started to feel normal again. and you know what emily did? she crawled right back into my bed and wiped my face with tissues. there are no words for what a wonderful person she has grown to be. i'm so proud that she turned out a hell of a lot better than i did.
she knows i'm HIV+. we have talked about it many times. i know she worries about me, and i bet now she's really worried after what happened today, but it's ok. i want her to see the reality of things. i don't want to hide shit and sugar coat things. she deserves to see it for what it is. maybe that's harsh, but it's how i've felt for a long time now. i hope someday she appreciates how i've let her into my life.
i'm in better spirits today than my last post. i had arthur, abby, and emily visit me. i understand people's lives get busy during the week but i was really starting to feel like they had all forgotten about me. it was so lonely being here by myself. out of sight, out of mind. you know?
but today was filled with cuddles, flowers, hugs, kisses, and i actually started to feel better. at around lunch time, abby and arthur left to pick up some food. emily stayed with me and kept me company. she talked about everything under the sun and i just listened. she sure can talk an ear off! then she did the sweetest thing. she asked me to move over in bed so she could snuggle with me. last time she snuggled with me was probably 6 years ago maybe. maybe. i can't even remember. there was that time she slept with me and arthur when she got scared at arthur's house, but i wouldn't really count that as a "move over, let's snuggle" type of situation. she was desperate. poor thing. i can't even remember when that was, but i remember the panic in her voice.
anyway, she's snuggling with me and we're googling things and she's taking selfies of herself, and then suddenly it hits me. nausea. with a vengeance. it was just so sudden. i managed to say i wasn't feeling well, then said i was gonna puke, and she was right there holding a barf bowl for me while i spewed into it. i was horrified and so was she, but she didn't flinch. she stood there holding my barf and even ran to the bathroom once to empty it. i'm not sure if she called for a nurse or if one just happened to come in, but the nurse took over. after the episode i felt better. i had some water and crackers and started to feel normal again. and you know what emily did? she crawled right back into my bed and wiped my face with tissues. there are no words for what a wonderful person she has grown to be. i'm so proud that she turned out a hell of a lot better than i did.
she knows i'm HIV+. we have talked about it many times. i know she worries about me, and i bet now she's really worried after what happened today, but it's ok. i want her to see the reality of things. i don't want to hide shit and sugar coat things. she deserves to see it for what it is. maybe that's harsh, but it's how i've felt for a long time now. i hope someday she appreciates how i've let her into my life.