Wow...It's been FOUR YEARS to the date of the band trip...and what have I done in that time? 3-8-02
I also dreampt about Joe last night...We had a massive fight in it. Well before I tell about the dream...He called before we left for Reno. I was packing and told Shanna to tell him (of course, he talked to her first, then asked for Sierra but she was putting Michael to sleep) that I didn't feel like talking to him right then and if he wanted to talk during the week to call Mom's cell number...he hasnt. I don't know if I explained this in past entries but the reason I didn't talk to him is because him and Sierra talked on the phone recently and she said something like "why don't you just marry her and take her away" and he said he can't because of his "feeling" in CA which pisses me off because something BIG has changed since then- he JOINED the church...you know the feeling about "you're not the one for her" and also supposedly told Sierra that another problem is that "we fight." Which don't even get me started...So lately I've been trying to decide how to handle this with him...my initial thought was to obviously be pissed and bitchy about it and from now on when he emails or calls say "we can't be friends...we fight." and all that...but then before I actively wanted to act on that I thought that it probably wasn't the best way to show him that we could both grow and change over time and be better for the other...and maybe it would be better to just drop it and show by action or just talk to him about it...I haven't decided...before I heard that I was trying to decide if I should tell him how I've been feeling about him lately, that I love him. So that was another reason it was a hard blow to me. I haven't decided how to handle either thing, and I was (am) confused and I was just in an overall pissy, stressed mood that night and didn't want to say anything without being sure of it, and so I had Shanna tell him I didn't want to talk.
Anyway, in the dream I had sent him a letter telling him how I felt. And then we were in a cafeteria or something and first he was avoiding me. Then I confronted him and he was mad that I had sent it. Basically told me why do I have to keep dragging this out, it's over, move on. And I was slapping his arm and crying saying "after all the crap you've done...being in love and moving on two months later and being in love with someone else....how dare you try and tell me that I can't love you or to move on. I'm not like you, I can't move on that quick if it's LOVE!" and Andrea Marcantonio was there...why I have NO clue, but she watched us and then she needed to borrow something and wrote me a note asking me what I meant about something I said about life going on or whatever and I explained on paper that I meant people are growing up...we've all graduated from HS, we're adults, within a few years we'll be marrying, having jobs/careers/babies and all that...it's moving so fast. Just a few years ago we were in middle school wondering who had a crush on who, wondering if we'd last another year in school and how long our silly relationships then would last...and all that. Anyway then he left and I just bawled and sobbed and cried. Then I put on a wig on tried to spy on him and found him spouting sonnets and "in love" with some high school girl...she was supposedly the little sister of a girl I knew in sixth grade who was in my science class with ms. filliman. I think her name was..It began with a K....OH she was supposed to be the little sister of Kaleigh Bates I guess. But anyway, that was that.
I still haven't decided anything definite on how to handle him...I think the best way is to just keep going as normal, not say anything about love or what he said or whatever...and let time run it's course. He'll focus on him, date, learn lessons, I'll do the same and I think eventually we'll have another chance. If not, then we move on as best we can and God will provide a better way for both of us. But still a part of me wants to make him pay...whether for what he said if we DON'T discuss it or if he just never gives us another honest chance...that part wants me to still focus on me make myself into ALL I want, something GREAT in all areas, "the girl all the guys want" still be me but the best, most accomplishing, driven, active, good looking, me ever. Make HIM see what he's lost. Make HIM think how nice it would be to have me as a loving, devoted, homemaking wife and mother. Make him wish that he hadn't given me up. Date guys and tell him how great they are. Just be what I want to be in all areas. If he's still not knocked over the head, then get married and have the love and marriage I want, because I WANT it...but also to dig at him. Be loving, devoted, homemaking, a good wife and mother...obviously affectionate, let him see it's because we BOTH work hard at it and that's how hard I would've worked with him had he given me a chance, but he blew it. And I want to do some of that, even in a small portion to make him THINK, to make him WISH, to get him thinking "are we sure? Have I REALLY prayed? Was that thought REALLY permanent? It looks like we're slowly growing up and COULD change it for the better...I need to really think before letting it go." And then a part of me still wants to discuss with him what he said...maybe about me loving him, his feeling vs. the surrounding cirsumstances, and his comment "we fight" which makes my blood boil more than anything...my parents fight and I'm not saying it's ideal...but it's natural. You together learn to grow up, mature, how to better handle it...Couples ALWAYS improve with time and effort. So I want a mix of all that...but I'm not sure how to blend, in what amounts, the last two ideas with the first. I wouldn't really get married to make him jealous, no matter how good the marriage is...When I get married it will ONLY be because I am deeply truly in love with my boyfriend or fiancee and WANT to be married and care ONLY about them, by that point I won't care what or if Joe thinks of me in that aspect, if not, then I'm not ready to marry someone else yet.
Anyway, in the dream I had sent him a letter telling him how I felt. And then we were in a cafeteria or something and first he was avoiding me. Then I confronted him and he was mad that I had sent it. Basically told me why do I have to keep dragging this out, it's over, move on. And I was slapping his arm and crying saying "after all the crap you've done...being in love and moving on two months later and being in love with someone else....how dare you try and tell me that I can't love you or to move on. I'm not like you, I can't move on that quick if it's LOVE!" and Andrea Marcantonio was there...why I have NO clue, but she watched us and then she needed to borrow something and wrote me a note asking me what I meant about something I said about life going on or whatever and I explained on paper that I meant people are growing up...we've all graduated from HS, we're adults, within a few years we'll be marrying, having jobs/careers/babies and all that...it's moving so fast. Just a few years ago we were in middle school wondering who had a crush on who, wondering if we'd last another year in school and how long our silly relationships then would last...and all that. Anyway then he left and I just bawled and sobbed and cried. Then I put on a wig on tried to spy on him and found him spouting sonnets and "in love" with some high school girl...she was supposedly the little sister of a girl I knew in sixth grade who was in my science class with ms. filliman. I think her name was..It began with a K....OH she was supposed to be the little sister of Kaleigh Bates I guess. But anyway, that was that.
I still haven't decided anything definite on how to handle him...I think the best way is to just keep going as normal, not say anything about love or what he said or whatever...and let time run it's course. He'll focus on him, date, learn lessons, I'll do the same and I think eventually we'll have another chance. If not, then we move on as best we can and God will provide a better way for both of us. But still a part of me wants to make him pay...whether for what he said if we DON'T discuss it or if he just never gives us another honest chance...that part wants me to still focus on me make myself into ALL I want, something GREAT in all areas, "the girl all the guys want" still be me but the best, most accomplishing, driven, active, good looking, me ever. Make HIM see what he's lost. Make HIM think how nice it would be to have me as a loving, devoted, homemaking wife and mother. Make him wish that he hadn't given me up. Date guys and tell him how great they are. Just be what I want to be in all areas. If he's still not knocked over the head, then get married and have the love and marriage I want, because I WANT it...but also to dig at him. Be loving, devoted, homemaking, a good wife and mother...obviously affectionate, let him see it's because we BOTH work hard at it and that's how hard I would've worked with him had he given me a chance, but he blew it. And I want to do some of that, even in a small portion to make him THINK, to make him WISH, to get him thinking "are we sure? Have I REALLY prayed? Was that thought REALLY permanent? It looks like we're slowly growing up and COULD change it for the better...I need to really think before letting it go." And then a part of me still wants to discuss with him what he said...maybe about me loving him, his feeling vs. the surrounding cirsumstances, and his comment "we fight" which makes my blood boil more than anything...my parents fight and I'm not saying it's ideal...but it's natural. You together learn to grow up, mature, how to better handle it...Couples ALWAYS improve with time and effort. So I want a mix of all that...but I'm not sure how to blend, in what amounts, the last two ideas with the first. I wouldn't really get married to make him jealous, no matter how good the marriage is...When I get married it will ONLY be because I am deeply truly in love with my boyfriend or fiancee and WANT to be married and care ONLY about them, by that point I won't care what or if Joe thinks of me in that aspect, if not, then I'm not ready to marry someone else yet.