a letter to hot straightness
Dear Incredibly Wonderful Straight Girl With Whom I Was Recently Infatuated,
First, you should know that you are amazing. Your hair is hotter than hot, and the fact that you make your own puppets and then make crazy-ass movies and skits with them is beyond phenomenal. The fact that you do it all yourself makes you seem like Really Rosie, and she was effing cool. Further, you have every trait a Claire could want. Your political views, your loathing of substance abuse, your kindness, your creativity, your you-ness... you should have been mine.
Second, you should know that when I said "We should make a movie sometime!" what I really meant was "I don't care what your orientation is. I am claiming you here and now. Do not date anything with or without a dick until I get a chance to make a move." Apparently you did not know that, because as of 9:13 AM yesterday (props to Facebook stalking, yo), you declared yourself IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A FUCKING BICYCLIST NERD.
My darling quirky puppet maker, I hope you realize he does not have breasts. And considering his only comment on your profile has been, "we should hang out again!," I'm thinking he also would not write you sonnets and ask you go to ice skating. These are things you need, dear. You need me, I need you, although we haven't had a real conversation ever. Please reconsider your Facebook relationship status, your pointless (and fleeting!) infatuation with bicyclist dweebs, and your straightness.
Your Future Wife,
Claire
First, you should know that you are amazing. Your hair is hotter than hot, and the fact that you make your own puppets and then make crazy-ass movies and skits with them is beyond phenomenal. The fact that you do it all yourself makes you seem like Really Rosie, and she was effing cool. Further, you have every trait a Claire could want. Your political views, your loathing of substance abuse, your kindness, your creativity, your you-ness... you should have been mine.
Second, you should know that when I said "We should make a movie sometime!" what I really meant was "I don't care what your orientation is. I am claiming you here and now. Do not date anything with or without a dick until I get a chance to make a move." Apparently you did not know that, because as of 9:13 AM yesterday (props to Facebook stalking, yo), you declared yourself IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A FUCKING BICYCLIST NERD.
My darling quirky puppet maker, I hope you realize he does not have breasts. And considering his only comment on your profile has been, "we should hang out again!," I'm thinking he also would not write you sonnets and ask you go to ice skating. These are things you need, dear. You need me, I need you, although we haven't had a real conversation ever. Please reconsider your Facebook relationship status, your pointless (and fleeting!) infatuation with bicyclist dweebs, and your straightness.
Your Future Wife,
Claire