petunia syndrome
I'm going to mope. So now's when you can skip this entry and I can feel just fine about making it a public post, until I hate seeing it so much that I delete it.
Tonight a very specific kind of lust has gotten to me. Not my normal Andy Goldblatt/Sarah Silverman/Giada De Laurentiis/intellectual intercourse lust. It's not even sexual, but only lust leaves you feeling this empty and self-sacrificingly desperate. I just want to have one or more friends and go somewhere that isn't my house with them after dark.
Dad and I went through the Tom&Jerry's drive-through and for the first time in a while I was totally overcome with the desire to be a stupid teenager sitting at a booth in there.
Whenever I feel this socially malnourished I'm always reminded of Dustin, who was lonely and hated it, so he used his superfine brain to muscle himself into the crowds he could tolerate and never looked back. And now he has a girlfriend and big parties. That's the way to be. You're lonely? Suck it the fuck up, stop fighting it, and make people like you.
I wish Mat were online. He'd tell me how utterly stupid I am to fantasize about doing whatever it took, sacrificing pride, letting down moral codes and somehow making stupid ex-girlfriend ho let me be one of her friends. I don't need Mat to tell me. I know it's stupid. If I became their friend, I'd sit there quietly at Tom&Jerry's while she kissed her other friends and they talked about parties and sex and getting high. I'd feel bored and out-of-place. I'd try to channel all my brainwaves into making Emma Woodhouse from the novel call my cellphone and say "Why Miss Christensen, whatever are you doing? I need you ever so terribly-- simply cannot do without you! I'm sending the chaise-and-four for you post haste." Or something.
I doubt they'd even make movies with me. My ideas would all be stupid to them-- "Can't we just make a movie about lesbians having sex?" Something like that. Perhaps I'm being unduly mean. Perhaps they could get drunk and I could just watch, and they would be very nice and avoid puking on my shoes.
Having friends would be amazingly nice. Having something to do on a weekend besides homework would be... *deep breath* How long till ISU? Guess I'm not lonely enough to let down my stupid, self-important morals and my wounded beyond wounded pride and suck it up to the popular homecoming queen girl. Probably means I have no right to whine.
Tonight a very specific kind of lust has gotten to me. Not my normal Andy Goldblatt/Sarah Silverman/Giada De Laurentiis/intellectual intercourse lust. It's not even sexual, but only lust leaves you feeling this empty and self-sacrificingly desperate. I just want to have one or more friends and go somewhere that isn't my house with them after dark.
Dad and I went through the Tom&Jerry's drive-through and for the first time in a while I was totally overcome with the desire to be a stupid teenager sitting at a booth in there.
Whenever I feel this socially malnourished I'm always reminded of Dustin, who was lonely and hated it, so he used his superfine brain to muscle himself into the crowds he could tolerate and never looked back. And now he has a girlfriend and big parties. That's the way to be. You're lonely? Suck it the fuck up, stop fighting it, and make people like you.
I wish Mat were online. He'd tell me how utterly stupid I am to fantasize about doing whatever it took, sacrificing pride, letting down moral codes and somehow making stupid ex-girlfriend ho let me be one of her friends. I don't need Mat to tell me. I know it's stupid. If I became their friend, I'd sit there quietly at Tom&Jerry's while she kissed her other friends and they talked about parties and sex and getting high. I'd feel bored and out-of-place. I'd try to channel all my brainwaves into making Emma Woodhouse from the novel call my cellphone and say "Why Miss Christensen, whatever are you doing? I need you ever so terribly-- simply cannot do without you! I'm sending the chaise-and-four for you post haste." Or something.
I doubt they'd even make movies with me. My ideas would all be stupid to them-- "Can't we just make a movie about lesbians having sex?" Something like that. Perhaps I'm being unduly mean. Perhaps they could get drunk and I could just watch, and they would be very nice and avoid puking on my shoes.
Having friends would be amazingly nice. Having something to do on a weekend besides homework would be... *deep breath* How long till ISU? Guess I'm not lonely enough to let down my stupid, self-important morals and my wounded beyond wounded pride and suck it up to the popular homecoming queen girl. Probably means I have no right to whine.