A day at the cemetery
[Written with summers_grey]
[Locked to summers_grey and red_eyed_sin]
Rogue pulled the coat closer around her body, feeling slightly dirty as she was still wearing the dress and other clothing from the previous night. She was carrying two to-go cups of Starbucks coffee and was thankful that at least she had decided to wear black as walking around a cemetery mid-morning in a red outfit would probably not be the proper thing to do. Her mind was a jumbled mess and she wanted to see Rachel and make sure the girl was okay and that Mystique hadn't done anything detrimental, or well, at least nothing that couldn't be rectified. She stopped at the rendezvous spot and sighed. Now all I gotta do is wait.
Rachel flew into the cemetery, hiding her presence from passers-by. Misuse of powers, whatever. She didn't care. Anna had called and asked to talk. Rachel was dimly aware that she felt sick and terrified. But she couldn't be bothered. Couldn't spend the energy on it. She'd betrayed Anna. Hadn't even fought Mystique. Rachel had no defense. She knew that.
She touched down behind Anna. She knew her hound markings were showing. She didn't care. Anna was carrying something. Coffee?
*Hey,* Rachel sent quietly. "Over here."
Rogue turned and walked over, handing Rachel a mug. "Coffee, the way you like it." She took a deep breath before hugging her friend tightly. "I'm sorry for whatever Mystique did to you." She pulled back and looked down at her coffee. "She came to where I was, confronted me and Erik. Knew about the two of us. I know you wouldn't have told her without her...well, doing what she usually does."
Rachel stiffened when Anna hugged her. The coffee slipped from her hand and spilled. She felt suddenly very much like crying. But she didn't. Rachel swallowed hard and stood in Rogue's embrace. Anna was forgiving her. But that didn't mean Rachel hadn't done it. She took a step back. "It's not Mystique's fault," Rachel whispered, looking at the ground. "But thank you for thinking so."
"Honey," Rogue began, and brushed hair from her friend's face. "I hardly think she just came up and asked you who I was seeing and you told her. She had to have done something that made you scared enough to tell her." She took a deep breath and sighed. "She's my mother. I kind of know how she works. Please don't be mad at yourself over this. It was gonna happen eventually." She hugged Rachel again, wanting her to know how much she didn't care, wanting things to be okay between them. "Anyway, its good that she knew and came and tried to ruin the evening." Wouldn't have ended up in his hotel suite if she hadn't. "Ray, what did she do?"
Rachel pushed back a little, but was grateful that Rogue didn't let her go. She sighed, her breath catching a little and leaned her head on Anna's coat. "She . . . she waited until I betrayed myself, and then she said she said she'd tell da- Scott, and then she turned into Sinister and . . ." Rachel started crying then. Ashamed of how easy it had been for Mystique. So goddam easy. "And I told him where you were." She held onto Anna's coat. Tightly. She couldn't bear looking up at Anna's face.
"I'm so sorry, Ray," Rogue murmured, slowly stroking the girl's hair. "That's what she's good at, figuring out things no one wants her to know. And killing people." She sighed again and frowned. "I didn't think she'd go after you like that though. Honey..." She bit her lip unsure how to bring this up. "What's...you and Sinister? How was she able to use that against you?"
Rachel grabbed Anna's lapels and started thumping her head against the other woman's shoulder. "Nothing. At all. Except he wants me to come visit him in London and he has promised great sex." Rachel laughed into Anna's coat at the complete absurdity of it. "And I seem to be turning evil and perverted and only ever think about awful things, so I might as well go do it and be Miss Sinister or Dark Marvel or some other stupid stupid villain name."
"Let's sit down." Rogue tugged Rachel to a bench and raked a hand through her hair. "Okay...so you and Sinister. Hon, I'm hardly one who's gonna tell you you're not allowed to go. Especially not after what I just did with Erik, what I plan on continuing to do with him." She grasped Rachel's hand before remembering she wasn't wearing gloves and let go. "You ain't evil. I ain't evil but I'm sure Scott'll say we've both been brainwashed and try and lock us away and have Emma poke and prod through our minds. She even tries and I'm leaving." She smiled and put down her mug. "Do you want to go to London? To see him?" Rogue wasn't all that sure she wanted Rachel going alone but she wasn't about to stop her friend.
"What?" Rachel said, alarmed. "No! No, I don't want to go to London! I -" Her hand stung a little as Anna pulled away. Rachel looked at her friend. "Are you getting better at that, the touching?" She stopped and reviewed the last few minutes.
"You HAD SEX with MAGNETO?" Rachel yelped. "How? I mean," Rachel said, turning bright red, "not that it's my business and oh my god I can't believe I just asked. . . but . . . how?"
Rogue blushed, pulling her hands into her lap. "We...we didn't have sex. He just...oh god, made me come at the symphony and we kissed. A lot." She smoothed down her dress. "Erik thought of a neat trick using metal, blocks my power somehow." She averted her gaze and bit her lip. "I want to though. Sex with Magneto. I didn't just say that, did I?" Rogue shook her head. "I'm gonna be kicked off the team, disowned, attacked. I can just see it. Though you know and you're not trying to kill me or thinkin' I've been brainwashed." She looked at Rachel closely. "You don't think I've been brainwashed, do you?"
Rachel slid off the bench and sat on the cold ground. She leaned against the bench and looked up at the grey sky. I could check and see, Rachel thought. Just go looking in Anna's head and see if she's been mind-controlled. Rachel thought about it for a long time. She'd been making bad choices recently. She knew that. This was a choice. But Rachel couldn't tell which was the bad choice. Which was worse? Rachel thought about it and realized she was still crying. Quietly. She hadn't stopped yet, it seemed. She didn't mean to be. And she hadn't noticed. She tried to stop. That . . . didn't seem to work. Rachel closed her eyes and leaned her head on Anna's knee. This all hurt. Rachel didn't know what she wanted anymore. Except maybe to stop feeling for a little bit. Then she wouldn't feel confused, and guilty, and ashamed of herself all the time.
Rachel wrapped an arm around Anna's leg and held on. "I guess you're not brainwashed. That's my guess. I could check." Rachel paused. "But I don't think I could tell, anyway. The things I think . . . Anna, I really really hope that Sinister is doing something to me. Because I don't like the things I think. And I'm pretty sure they're all me, all mine. That I'm just . . . a bad person. So even if I looked for mind-control, I don't know that I'd spot it." Rachel started crying harder, and laughing a little, all mixed together. She hadn't been able to talk to anyone, have a conversation with anyone, for days. Afraid of what they could tell or what she'd give away. Afraid they'd just know she was bad. "I can't say anything about you wanting to date Magneto. I'm having trouble seeing anything wrong with it. And I think you can make your own decisions, and have the life you want. And I think that doesn't make you a bad person or an idiot. You know what you want, and you are trying to get it."
Rogue didn't know what to do, hating to see her friend cry, knowing how lost she was feeling. Slowly, she stroked Rachel's hair, letting her speak without interrupting. "Ray, maybe you and I should just get away from the whole superhero thing for awhile. We could go somewhere, anywhere you want and you could try and figure out what you want." She bit her lip and watched Rachel, carefully wiping away tears from the girl's face. "I don't like seeing you like this and I know you don't enjoy it. Do you want to just get away for a bit?"
Rachel took a moment to make sure her hound tattoos were hidden from Anna. She didn't like her friend seeing them, especially not this close. "I don't know," Rachel whispered. Yes. Oh god, yes. "I don't know what I want." I want to like myself. "I'm still trying to do my job, at the school, and with the X-Men." I want to like myself sometimes. Or a little. Once in a while.
Rachel sniffed. It looked like she was done crying. Rachel wished she understood what made her start and stop. It would be nice to be able to stop when she needed to. She sighed. "But. You didn't call about that, I think. I guess? I mean," Rachel said, sitting up a little, "I thought you called to beat me up for telling Mystique. But you think that's her fault. A point," Rachel added, "that I think is just you being nice to me. But. If that's not it, what did you want to talk about? Magneto? And this whole theatre business?" Rachel turned to look at her friend. She blushed, but figured the conversation was already humiliating on a couple levels, so, why not. "So what happened? And why is he dating you? I mean," she added hastily, "you're gorgeous, yes, but why is he trying, with the obvious problem that your friends keep trying to arrest and kill him?"
"Ray," Rogue said, "I know Mystique better than anyone. I've got no doubt that she did everything in her power to break you until you told. She's got no conscience." Rogue frowned and stared out at the row of gravestones. "I...I don't know why he is, Ray. He thinks I'm pretty, he says he enjoys my company and..." She shrugged and bit her lip. "I know everyone'll be worried that he's trying to recruit me but he hasn't done anything to even hint at that. He's always a gentleman except when he, um, can't keep his hands off of me which I don't mind and I like him Ray. I really really like him and I want to keep seeing him. He makes me feel alive. I haven't felt alive in a very long time."
She put her hands in her lap and twisted them, trying to figure out what to say next before looking at Rachel. "No one will fault you for needing time away, Ray, and if Emma says anything nasty I'll hurt her."
Rachel swallowed, thinking of her talk with Mystique. If anyone would understand, it would be Anna. "I'd had a nightmare about Sinister," she said quietly. "And he had actually been there, in my head. And in the dream he was . . . chasing me, and then we were dancing, and he trapped me against a wall. And he breathed on me. Here," she said, touching her neck. "And bit me. And when I woke up I still wanted it. And the next day Mystique started grilling me about you, and, and she started saying stuff. Just stuff, you know, being random and mean? Except when she said she was going to tell Scott that Sinister was in my room- I totally screwed up. I must have done something. Because she jumped on that. And she." Rachel took a deep breath. Shakier than she had hoped for. Oh well. "She changed into Sinister and chased me down the hall. And he backed me against the wall. Trapped me. And leaned over and started breathing on my neck, in the same spot. I thought, I thought at the time how did she know, but now I think I must've been just reacting to everything and giving it all away. And then he stood there and said he'd tell Emma and Scott about our little encounter in the hallway. And I told her you were seeing Magneto." Rachel sighed. "I'm really sorry, Anna. I . . . that doesn't help anything. But I wish I'd been stronger."
"I'm going to kill her," Rogue growled, balling her hands in her lap. "I don't care what twisted reasoning she had for doing it, she shouldn't have treated you that way." She wanted to hit something, hating how Mystique could ruin the most basic of relationships for her. "I don't blame you, Ray, really, that's not me just sayin' that to be nice. I don't blame you." She made a frustrated noise and ran a hand through her hair, forcing herself to calm down. "Sinister's coming into your dreams? I don't..." Rogue took a breath, trying to figure out what precisely to say. "That must have been a very intense dream. And you wanting him to bite you more, Ray...that doesn't make you a bad person or awful or anything." She forced a smile and leaned against Rachel. "I, honey, what do you want to do about this? Don't think about what the X-Men will think or your parents or anyone, what do you want? Close your eyes and just answer this, do you want to go to London and meet Sinister?"
Rachel pulled up her legs and wrapped her arms around her knees. The ground was cold. She hugged herself and tried to think. Thinking about staying at the mansion made her feel sick. Constant hiding, and she knew she would get caught. Get caught doing what, exactly? Get caught thinking bad things? Probably. Get caught fantasizing about Sinister? She closed her eyes, embarrassed. Probably that, too. Get caught betraying the team, the school, her family. Rachel opened her eyes and stared out across the cemetery. It was fitting, she thought, to be having this talk surrounded by dead people. A nice reminder of the stakes. Of what it meant to let psychotic villains into the mansion. To invite them in. I don't deserve to stay, she thought.
But that wasn't what Anna had asked. She'd asked what Rachel wanted. Rachel leaned against Anna again, thinking. Would she like herself more if she went to meet Sinister in London? Could she like herself less? Well, yes. If she actually betrayed the X-Men and people were hurt or killed, she would like herself less. Okay. How did London fit into this?
"I think . . ." Rachel began. "I think I want to stop hiding and lying all the time. I think it's making me crazy, lying to the people I love. I think it'll be easier to get away. But I don't want to go to him. When he talks to me, I scare myself, Anna," Rachel whispered. "What Mystique did to me. The worst part," Rachel whispered, barely audible, "was that I did it to myself. I hate that. I hate that I'm so weak. And I hate what I'm like when I. When I want him."
Rogue wrapped her arm around Rachel, hoping the gesture was comforting. "Have you ever been to Paris?" she asked, laying her head on top of Rachel's. "You and me, in Paris. I'll take one of Mystique's credit cards and we can run it up. Get a fancy hotel, see the sites, spend all her money. It'll be a nice little revenge and maybe it'll help you rejuvenate." And put off me having to announce I'm dating Erik. "If not Paris, pick a place. Mystique owes you and me big time and she'll pay up if I've got anything to say about it."
"I don't want you to feel like you are right now," Rogue continued, "and you don't have to lie to me. I hope you know that." She smoothed back Rachel's hair. "You're...you're my best friend. Tell me what you need."
"I need to sleep," Rachel said sourly, not really thinking about it. She wrapped her sleeve around her hand and held Anna's hand through the cloth. "Paris sounds . . . great. Mystique paying sounds even better." Rachel took a deep breath. It didn't hurt. She paused. Huh. The ache, the tight ache in her chest that had been there for three days. It didn't hurt. Rachel took it as a sign. A Sign. A good one. "Let's go to Paris." Rachel tilted her head back, looking backwards up at Anna. "You can invite Erik if you like. Just let me know first if he's gonna show up? And we better get some rules about no kidnapping or anything. Okay?"
"I think those are very good rules," Rogue murmured, and smiled. "I'll ask him but he might be busy doing...things I don't even want to know about." She raked a shaky hand through her hair. "Do you want to go get a hotel room? You could try and sleep? I'll stay with you again if you want?"
Rachel reached up, still leaning back into Anna's lap. She grabbed Anna's hair and gently pulled her down. "I haven't felt this, well -- not good, but less sick and scared, so mostly good, I guess -- I haven't felt this good in days. Thank you, Anna. I'd really like to stay with you. I mean, at the hotel. I imagine you might have uses for your room." Rachel smiled. She had a little trouble remembering when she'd smiled last. Rachel let go of Anna and climbed up on the bench next to the other woman. Rachel gave Anna a big hug and held on. She didn't know how to explain how much this mattered to her. That she had one person she could trust.
"Yeah, um, the hotel room I was staying in wasn't mine," Rogue told her, turning three shades redder. "It was Erik's and I slept on the bed, he slept on the sofa. Nothing happened. Not really." She gave a nervous laugh and hugged Rachel back. "I don't even have a spare set of clothes! Kind of left them all at Mystique's place. Had to borrow a shirt to sleep in." She shook her head. "You really didn't need to know that." She stood up, tugging Rachel out of the seat. "Come on, let's go get a room. We can order room service and drink from the mini fridge and plan our trip to Paris." Linking her arm with Rachel's she started guiding her down the path. "I'll call Erik and let him know my change in plans when we get a room. I told him I'd be telling the X-Men about the two of us--um, me and him, not you and me. I don't think they have a problem with the two of us being friends."
Rachel giggled. "No, I don't think they have a problem with that." She held on tight to Anna's arm. "So, two rooms, in the same hotel or a different one? And, can your mom pay for a whole bunch of clothes? I need to call home, too. Tell them I'm going on vacation with you."
"Yes, she can. We can stop off at the safe house in DC and get a couple thousand dollars from her safe and we'll do the same in Paris. She's got two there that I know about." Rogue smiled wickedly. "If we stop off in Versailles I can get us even more money. She shouldn't have given me the access code if she didn't want me spending her money. Especially when I'm angry with her." She hailed a cab and gave directions to the driver of the hotel Erik was at. She'd call his room and let him know she was staying for a night or two, see what happens. "We can get one or two rooms, doesn't matter to me for now. In Paris, we should probably get two or let's spend big, get a nice suite with two rooms and a fun bath. I demand we have a big bathtub."
"How about just one room here, and then a huge gorgeous suite in Paris, with a huge marble tub and a view of something pretty." Rachel sat back in the cab. She still held on to Anna's arm, for comfort. And support. And just, just because it was such a relief to have a friend who she could trust. "Are you going to be in our room much," Rachel asked. "Or down the hall at Erik's? Just so I know, you understand."
"I...I don't know," she murmured, cheeks reddening. "He doesn't even know I'm staying here again, yet. Tonight is you and me though, no matter what. Room service, drinking and venting, gossiping. It'll be fun." She paid the fare and tipped the driver, pleased she had taken all the cash from Mystique's safe house in Baltimore just in case something should happen. She went through the motions of getting them a room for two nights and even managed to acquire one on the same floor as Erik's. "Do you want to go shopping or something before we go to the room? Or should we just go upstairs?" She had a feeling she could finagle a shirt out of Erik to sleep in again.
Rachel thought. She grabbed the lapels of Anna's coat and pulled the woman around to face her. She tapped one finger on Anna's lapel, playfully punctuating her remarks. "I want. Extremely sexy clothes that make complete strangers stare at me. Because that feels good. I want really good pho soup. With beef. And those little dumplings. I want a lot of vodka and a similar amount of cranberry juice. And I want that movie, Batman Begins. That," she said, leaning in and poking Anna's coat, "is what I want."
Rogue laughed and put their card keys into her purse. "Okay, then let's go and procure all those things. I need new clothes because I've worn this dress long enough and yes, I have very fond memories involving it now but these stockings and this garter belt have got to go." She linked her arm with Rachel's again and led her outside. She asked the man hailing cabs for guests about a good place for them to go shopping and with a destination in hand got in another cab. "If we're getting you a movie we'll need to tell the hotel we need a DVD player."
She pulled out her cellphone and called the concierge, relaying their need, pleased when he informed her that it wouldn't be a problem. Rogue then asked to be transferred to Erik's room. She twisted the material of her dress nervously as the phone rang, unsure if she was pleased or disappointed when he didn't answer. "Erik, it's Anna. My friend and I have decided to stay in DC and we're actually gonna be at the same hotel." She hoped Rachel wouldn't be angry with what she said next. "We're on the same floor even. I'm in room 512 just to let you know...Please be safe." She hung up her cellphone and looked over at Rachel, wondering how she'd react to being on the same floor as Magneto.
Rachel half-smiled. "You understand, I can't promise Sinister won't show up. You might want to call Erik back and warn him. So we don't have a super-villain battle in the hall." Rachel laughed. "I wonder if Sinister would be polite to Magneto or not? I mean, have they ever met or anything?"
"I don't know, that could be fun," Rogue replied, laughing at the idea. "I ain't sure if they've ever met. I'll let Erik know about the possibility of Sinister showing up after we shop and I get out of these clothes. Dresses are pretty and all but I'm dying for a nice pair of jeans." She paid the fare and exited the car, waiting politely for Rachel to join her. "Come on, let's go and spend ridiculous amounts of money and get all those items you said you wanted." Smiling, she linked her arm with Rachel. A sabbatical was exactly what I needed, what she needs too. She was determined to make sure Rachel had fun and wouldn't be drawn back into her guilt-ridden state. The girl just didn't deserve spending her time that way. No one did.
[Locked to summers_grey and red_eyed_sin]
Rogue pulled the coat closer around her body, feeling slightly dirty as she was still wearing the dress and other clothing from the previous night. She was carrying two to-go cups of Starbucks coffee and was thankful that at least she had decided to wear black as walking around a cemetery mid-morning in a red outfit would probably not be the proper thing to do. Her mind was a jumbled mess and she wanted to see Rachel and make sure the girl was okay and that Mystique hadn't done anything detrimental, or well, at least nothing that couldn't be rectified. She stopped at the rendezvous spot and sighed. Now all I gotta do is wait.
Rachel flew into the cemetery, hiding her presence from passers-by. Misuse of powers, whatever. She didn't care. Anna had called and asked to talk. Rachel was dimly aware that she felt sick and terrified. But she couldn't be bothered. Couldn't spend the energy on it. She'd betrayed Anna. Hadn't even fought Mystique. Rachel had no defense. She knew that.
She touched down behind Anna. She knew her hound markings were showing. She didn't care. Anna was carrying something. Coffee?
*Hey,* Rachel sent quietly. "Over here."
Rogue turned and walked over, handing Rachel a mug. "Coffee, the way you like it." She took a deep breath before hugging her friend tightly. "I'm sorry for whatever Mystique did to you." She pulled back and looked down at her coffee. "She came to where I was, confronted me and Erik. Knew about the two of us. I know you wouldn't have told her without her...well, doing what she usually does."
Rachel stiffened when Anna hugged her. The coffee slipped from her hand and spilled. She felt suddenly very much like crying. But she didn't. Rachel swallowed hard and stood in Rogue's embrace. Anna was forgiving her. But that didn't mean Rachel hadn't done it. She took a step back. "It's not Mystique's fault," Rachel whispered, looking at the ground. "But thank you for thinking so."
"Honey," Rogue began, and brushed hair from her friend's face. "I hardly think she just came up and asked you who I was seeing and you told her. She had to have done something that made you scared enough to tell her." She took a deep breath and sighed. "She's my mother. I kind of know how she works. Please don't be mad at yourself over this. It was gonna happen eventually." She hugged Rachel again, wanting her to know how much she didn't care, wanting things to be okay between them. "Anyway, its good that she knew and came and tried to ruin the evening." Wouldn't have ended up in his hotel suite if she hadn't. "Ray, what did she do?"
Rachel pushed back a little, but was grateful that Rogue didn't let her go. She sighed, her breath catching a little and leaned her head on Anna's coat. "She . . . she waited until I betrayed myself, and then she said she said she'd tell da- Scott, and then she turned into Sinister and . . ." Rachel started crying then. Ashamed of how easy it had been for Mystique. So goddam easy. "And I told him where you were." She held onto Anna's coat. Tightly. She couldn't bear looking up at Anna's face.
"I'm so sorry, Ray," Rogue murmured, slowly stroking the girl's hair. "That's what she's good at, figuring out things no one wants her to know. And killing people." She sighed again and frowned. "I didn't think she'd go after you like that though. Honey..." She bit her lip unsure how to bring this up. "What's...you and Sinister? How was she able to use that against you?"
Rachel grabbed Anna's lapels and started thumping her head against the other woman's shoulder. "Nothing. At all. Except he wants me to come visit him in London and he has promised great sex." Rachel laughed into Anna's coat at the complete absurdity of it. "And I seem to be turning evil and perverted and only ever think about awful things, so I might as well go do it and be Miss Sinister or Dark Marvel or some other stupid stupid villain name."
"Let's sit down." Rogue tugged Rachel to a bench and raked a hand through her hair. "Okay...so you and Sinister. Hon, I'm hardly one who's gonna tell you you're not allowed to go. Especially not after what I just did with Erik, what I plan on continuing to do with him." She grasped Rachel's hand before remembering she wasn't wearing gloves and let go. "You ain't evil. I ain't evil but I'm sure Scott'll say we've both been brainwashed and try and lock us away and have Emma poke and prod through our minds. She even tries and I'm leaving." She smiled and put down her mug. "Do you want to go to London? To see him?" Rogue wasn't all that sure she wanted Rachel going alone but she wasn't about to stop her friend.
"What?" Rachel said, alarmed. "No! No, I don't want to go to London! I -" Her hand stung a little as Anna pulled away. Rachel looked at her friend. "Are you getting better at that, the touching?" She stopped and reviewed the last few minutes.
"You HAD SEX with MAGNETO?" Rachel yelped. "How? I mean," Rachel said, turning bright red, "not that it's my business and oh my god I can't believe I just asked. . . but . . . how?"
Rogue blushed, pulling her hands into her lap. "We...we didn't have sex. He just...oh god, made me come at the symphony and we kissed. A lot." She smoothed down her dress. "Erik thought of a neat trick using metal, blocks my power somehow." She averted her gaze and bit her lip. "I want to though. Sex with Magneto. I didn't just say that, did I?" Rogue shook her head. "I'm gonna be kicked off the team, disowned, attacked. I can just see it. Though you know and you're not trying to kill me or thinkin' I've been brainwashed." She looked at Rachel closely. "You don't think I've been brainwashed, do you?"
Rachel slid off the bench and sat on the cold ground. She leaned against the bench and looked up at the grey sky. I could check and see, Rachel thought. Just go looking in Anna's head and see if she's been mind-controlled. Rachel thought about it for a long time. She'd been making bad choices recently. She knew that. This was a choice. But Rachel couldn't tell which was the bad choice. Which was worse? Rachel thought about it and realized she was still crying. Quietly. She hadn't stopped yet, it seemed. She didn't mean to be. And she hadn't noticed. She tried to stop. That . . . didn't seem to work. Rachel closed her eyes and leaned her head on Anna's knee. This all hurt. Rachel didn't know what she wanted anymore. Except maybe to stop feeling for a little bit. Then she wouldn't feel confused, and guilty, and ashamed of herself all the time.
Rachel wrapped an arm around Anna's leg and held on. "I guess you're not brainwashed. That's my guess. I could check." Rachel paused. "But I don't think I could tell, anyway. The things I think . . . Anna, I really really hope that Sinister is doing something to me. Because I don't like the things I think. And I'm pretty sure they're all me, all mine. That I'm just . . . a bad person. So even if I looked for mind-control, I don't know that I'd spot it." Rachel started crying harder, and laughing a little, all mixed together. She hadn't been able to talk to anyone, have a conversation with anyone, for days. Afraid of what they could tell or what she'd give away. Afraid they'd just know she was bad. "I can't say anything about you wanting to date Magneto. I'm having trouble seeing anything wrong with it. And I think you can make your own decisions, and have the life you want. And I think that doesn't make you a bad person or an idiot. You know what you want, and you are trying to get it."
Rogue didn't know what to do, hating to see her friend cry, knowing how lost she was feeling. Slowly, she stroked Rachel's hair, letting her speak without interrupting. "Ray, maybe you and I should just get away from the whole superhero thing for awhile. We could go somewhere, anywhere you want and you could try and figure out what you want." She bit her lip and watched Rachel, carefully wiping away tears from the girl's face. "I don't like seeing you like this and I know you don't enjoy it. Do you want to just get away for a bit?"
Rachel took a moment to make sure her hound tattoos were hidden from Anna. She didn't like her friend seeing them, especially not this close. "I don't know," Rachel whispered. Yes. Oh god, yes. "I don't know what I want." I want to like myself. "I'm still trying to do my job, at the school, and with the X-Men." I want to like myself sometimes. Or a little. Once in a while.
Rachel sniffed. It looked like she was done crying. Rachel wished she understood what made her start and stop. It would be nice to be able to stop when she needed to. She sighed. "But. You didn't call about that, I think. I guess? I mean," Rachel said, sitting up a little, "I thought you called to beat me up for telling Mystique. But you think that's her fault. A point," Rachel added, "that I think is just you being nice to me. But. If that's not it, what did you want to talk about? Magneto? And this whole theatre business?" Rachel turned to look at her friend. She blushed, but figured the conversation was already humiliating on a couple levels, so, why not. "So what happened? And why is he dating you? I mean," she added hastily, "you're gorgeous, yes, but why is he trying, with the obvious problem that your friends keep trying to arrest and kill him?"
"Ray," Rogue said, "I know Mystique better than anyone. I've got no doubt that she did everything in her power to break you until you told. She's got no conscience." Rogue frowned and stared out at the row of gravestones. "I...I don't know why he is, Ray. He thinks I'm pretty, he says he enjoys my company and..." She shrugged and bit her lip. "I know everyone'll be worried that he's trying to recruit me but he hasn't done anything to even hint at that. He's always a gentleman except when he, um, can't keep his hands off of me which I don't mind and I like him Ray. I really really like him and I want to keep seeing him. He makes me feel alive. I haven't felt alive in a very long time."
She put her hands in her lap and twisted them, trying to figure out what to say next before looking at Rachel. "No one will fault you for needing time away, Ray, and if Emma says anything nasty I'll hurt her."
Rachel swallowed, thinking of her talk with Mystique. If anyone would understand, it would be Anna. "I'd had a nightmare about Sinister," she said quietly. "And he had actually been there, in my head. And in the dream he was . . . chasing me, and then we were dancing, and he trapped me against a wall. And he breathed on me. Here," she said, touching her neck. "And bit me. And when I woke up I still wanted it. And the next day Mystique started grilling me about you, and, and she started saying stuff. Just stuff, you know, being random and mean? Except when she said she was going to tell Scott that Sinister was in my room- I totally screwed up. I must have done something. Because she jumped on that. And she." Rachel took a deep breath. Shakier than she had hoped for. Oh well. "She changed into Sinister and chased me down the hall. And he backed me against the wall. Trapped me. And leaned over and started breathing on my neck, in the same spot. I thought, I thought at the time how did she know, but now I think I must've been just reacting to everything and giving it all away. And then he stood there and said he'd tell Emma and Scott about our little encounter in the hallway. And I told her you were seeing Magneto." Rachel sighed. "I'm really sorry, Anna. I . . . that doesn't help anything. But I wish I'd been stronger."
"I'm going to kill her," Rogue growled, balling her hands in her lap. "I don't care what twisted reasoning she had for doing it, she shouldn't have treated you that way." She wanted to hit something, hating how Mystique could ruin the most basic of relationships for her. "I don't blame you, Ray, really, that's not me just sayin' that to be nice. I don't blame you." She made a frustrated noise and ran a hand through her hair, forcing herself to calm down. "Sinister's coming into your dreams? I don't..." Rogue took a breath, trying to figure out what precisely to say. "That must have been a very intense dream. And you wanting him to bite you more, Ray...that doesn't make you a bad person or awful or anything." She forced a smile and leaned against Rachel. "I, honey, what do you want to do about this? Don't think about what the X-Men will think or your parents or anyone, what do you want? Close your eyes and just answer this, do you want to go to London and meet Sinister?"
Rachel pulled up her legs and wrapped her arms around her knees. The ground was cold. She hugged herself and tried to think. Thinking about staying at the mansion made her feel sick. Constant hiding, and she knew she would get caught. Get caught doing what, exactly? Get caught thinking bad things? Probably. Get caught fantasizing about Sinister? She closed her eyes, embarrassed. Probably that, too. Get caught betraying the team, the school, her family. Rachel opened her eyes and stared out across the cemetery. It was fitting, she thought, to be having this talk surrounded by dead people. A nice reminder of the stakes. Of what it meant to let psychotic villains into the mansion. To invite them in. I don't deserve to stay, she thought.
But that wasn't what Anna had asked. She'd asked what Rachel wanted. Rachel leaned against Anna again, thinking. Would she like herself more if she went to meet Sinister in London? Could she like herself less? Well, yes. If she actually betrayed the X-Men and people were hurt or killed, she would like herself less. Okay. How did London fit into this?
"I think . . ." Rachel began. "I think I want to stop hiding and lying all the time. I think it's making me crazy, lying to the people I love. I think it'll be easier to get away. But I don't want to go to him. When he talks to me, I scare myself, Anna," Rachel whispered. "What Mystique did to me. The worst part," Rachel whispered, barely audible, "was that I did it to myself. I hate that. I hate that I'm so weak. And I hate what I'm like when I. When I want him."
Rogue wrapped her arm around Rachel, hoping the gesture was comforting. "Have you ever been to Paris?" she asked, laying her head on top of Rachel's. "You and me, in Paris. I'll take one of Mystique's credit cards and we can run it up. Get a fancy hotel, see the sites, spend all her money. It'll be a nice little revenge and maybe it'll help you rejuvenate." And put off me having to announce I'm dating Erik. "If not Paris, pick a place. Mystique owes you and me big time and she'll pay up if I've got anything to say about it."
"I don't want you to feel like you are right now," Rogue continued, "and you don't have to lie to me. I hope you know that." She smoothed back Rachel's hair. "You're...you're my best friend. Tell me what you need."
"I need to sleep," Rachel said sourly, not really thinking about it. She wrapped her sleeve around her hand and held Anna's hand through the cloth. "Paris sounds . . . great. Mystique paying sounds even better." Rachel took a deep breath. It didn't hurt. She paused. Huh. The ache, the tight ache in her chest that had been there for three days. It didn't hurt. Rachel took it as a sign. A Sign. A good one. "Let's go to Paris." Rachel tilted her head back, looking backwards up at Anna. "You can invite Erik if you like. Just let me know first if he's gonna show up? And we better get some rules about no kidnapping or anything. Okay?"
"I think those are very good rules," Rogue murmured, and smiled. "I'll ask him but he might be busy doing...things I don't even want to know about." She raked a shaky hand through her hair. "Do you want to go get a hotel room? You could try and sleep? I'll stay with you again if you want?"
Rachel reached up, still leaning back into Anna's lap. She grabbed Anna's hair and gently pulled her down. "I haven't felt this, well -- not good, but less sick and scared, so mostly good, I guess -- I haven't felt this good in days. Thank you, Anna. I'd really like to stay with you. I mean, at the hotel. I imagine you might have uses for your room." Rachel smiled. She had a little trouble remembering when she'd smiled last. Rachel let go of Anna and climbed up on the bench next to the other woman. Rachel gave Anna a big hug and held on. She didn't know how to explain how much this mattered to her. That she had one person she could trust.
"Yeah, um, the hotel room I was staying in wasn't mine," Rogue told her, turning three shades redder. "It was Erik's and I slept on the bed, he slept on the sofa. Nothing happened. Not really." She gave a nervous laugh and hugged Rachel back. "I don't even have a spare set of clothes! Kind of left them all at Mystique's place. Had to borrow a shirt to sleep in." She shook her head. "You really didn't need to know that." She stood up, tugging Rachel out of the seat. "Come on, let's go get a room. We can order room service and drink from the mini fridge and plan our trip to Paris." Linking her arm with Rachel's she started guiding her down the path. "I'll call Erik and let him know my change in plans when we get a room. I told him I'd be telling the X-Men about the two of us--um, me and him, not you and me. I don't think they have a problem with the two of us being friends."
Rachel giggled. "No, I don't think they have a problem with that." She held on tight to Anna's arm. "So, two rooms, in the same hotel or a different one? And, can your mom pay for a whole bunch of clothes? I need to call home, too. Tell them I'm going on vacation with you."
"Yes, she can. We can stop off at the safe house in DC and get a couple thousand dollars from her safe and we'll do the same in Paris. She's got two there that I know about." Rogue smiled wickedly. "If we stop off in Versailles I can get us even more money. She shouldn't have given me the access code if she didn't want me spending her money. Especially when I'm angry with her." She hailed a cab and gave directions to the driver of the hotel Erik was at. She'd call his room and let him know she was staying for a night or two, see what happens. "We can get one or two rooms, doesn't matter to me for now. In Paris, we should probably get two or let's spend big, get a nice suite with two rooms and a fun bath. I demand we have a big bathtub."
"How about just one room here, and then a huge gorgeous suite in Paris, with a huge marble tub and a view of something pretty." Rachel sat back in the cab. She still held on to Anna's arm, for comfort. And support. And just, just because it was such a relief to have a friend who she could trust. "Are you going to be in our room much," Rachel asked. "Or down the hall at Erik's? Just so I know, you understand."
"I...I don't know," she murmured, cheeks reddening. "He doesn't even know I'm staying here again, yet. Tonight is you and me though, no matter what. Room service, drinking and venting, gossiping. It'll be fun." She paid the fare and tipped the driver, pleased she had taken all the cash from Mystique's safe house in Baltimore just in case something should happen. She went through the motions of getting them a room for two nights and even managed to acquire one on the same floor as Erik's. "Do you want to go shopping or something before we go to the room? Or should we just go upstairs?" She had a feeling she could finagle a shirt out of Erik to sleep in again.
Rachel thought. She grabbed the lapels of Anna's coat and pulled the woman around to face her. She tapped one finger on Anna's lapel, playfully punctuating her remarks. "I want. Extremely sexy clothes that make complete strangers stare at me. Because that feels good. I want really good pho soup. With beef. And those little dumplings. I want a lot of vodka and a similar amount of cranberry juice. And I want that movie, Batman Begins. That," she said, leaning in and poking Anna's coat, "is what I want."
Rogue laughed and put their card keys into her purse. "Okay, then let's go and procure all those things. I need new clothes because I've worn this dress long enough and yes, I have very fond memories involving it now but these stockings and this garter belt have got to go." She linked her arm with Rachel's again and led her outside. She asked the man hailing cabs for guests about a good place for them to go shopping and with a destination in hand got in another cab. "If we're getting you a movie we'll need to tell the hotel we need a DVD player."
She pulled out her cellphone and called the concierge, relaying their need, pleased when he informed her that it wouldn't be a problem. Rogue then asked to be transferred to Erik's room. She twisted the material of her dress nervously as the phone rang, unsure if she was pleased or disappointed when he didn't answer. "Erik, it's Anna. My friend and I have decided to stay in DC and we're actually gonna be at the same hotel." She hoped Rachel wouldn't be angry with what she said next. "We're on the same floor even. I'm in room 512 just to let you know...Please be safe." She hung up her cellphone and looked over at Rachel, wondering how she'd react to being on the same floor as Magneto.
Rachel half-smiled. "You understand, I can't promise Sinister won't show up. You might want to call Erik back and warn him. So we don't have a super-villain battle in the hall." Rachel laughed. "I wonder if Sinister would be polite to Magneto or not? I mean, have they ever met or anything?"
"I don't know, that could be fun," Rogue replied, laughing at the idea. "I ain't sure if they've ever met. I'll let Erik know about the possibility of Sinister showing up after we shop and I get out of these clothes. Dresses are pretty and all but I'm dying for a nice pair of jeans." She paid the fare and exited the car, waiting politely for Rachel to join her. "Come on, let's go and spend ridiculous amounts of money and get all those items you said you wanted." Smiling, she linked her arm with Rachel. A sabbatical was exactly what I needed, what she needs too. She was determined to make sure Rachel had fun and wouldn't be drawn back into her guilt-ridden state. The girl just didn't deserve spending her time that way. No one did.