(no subject)
"breathe out, so i can breathe you in"
when i was in the eighth grade i lied. the two attractive girls in my class happened to be best friends. they shared a notebook which they would write notes to each other in and pass it back and forth. the girls seemed to be close friends with the popular guys in the class. most of these guys all wanted to date one girl of the pair. i happened to be attracted to the other, however i was not in this popular group. this event occured sometime when i was accepting that i would never be the most popular guy in the room or the center of attention. i was still finding my place in life.
one day the other girl of the pair turned to me and asked me if i the other girl asked me out, would i date her?
wanting to fit in and save face, i replied, 'yes.'
ever since that time, i've always regretted saying yes. immediately after responding i wish i had amended what i said with, "but i'm attracted to someone else." i wouldn't have had the courage to say it was her, but i would have liked her to know that she shouldn't feel so left out.
i do believe she felt lonely and ignored. and that's why she asked me. as stated, i didn't fit in with her close group of friends, so my outside opinion offered a new perspective.
i still don't think i have the courage to express my feelings when it comes to being attracted to another. the ugly feeling of rejection haunts me. so i avoid putting myself out in the world entirely just to avoid that feeling.
when i do meet someone new who i might be interested in, i get this preconcieved notion that i'm not good enough or desirable so i take on the attitude that nothing i do or say matters since i have nothing left to lose.
i believe my biggest social problems stem from my irrational lack of confidence. i don't see much value in who i am or what i've done and so i don't think i can offer another much of value. which leads to this idea that if a girl isn't going to date me, i don't have to pretend to be someone i'm not. i don't have to hold back anything i say or do when hanging out with my friends. i don't have to try to dress nice. i don't have to try to be impressive in any way at all.
i would say this is a depressing thought, but i've avoided all of the ego-driven, boasts i've seen my friends do just to boost their pride. consequently, i've learned not to care about my pride and ego. i constantly take shots at myself when joking around with my friends. i don't have anything to protect.
i do value being honest. i've tried being true to my personality, but if i'm the only one who acts like this, then it's not catching anyone's eye and i'm always going to be an outcast of sorts.
is there some balance between being myself and holding back to attract a girl? what do i value more, honestly or fitting in socially?
it's been about a year since i've written in this journal and i find myself writing about the same things over and over. i really haven't grown at all in a year. i need to change who i am soon.
Jason
when i was in the eighth grade i lied. the two attractive girls in my class happened to be best friends. they shared a notebook which they would write notes to each other in and pass it back and forth. the girls seemed to be close friends with the popular guys in the class. most of these guys all wanted to date one girl of the pair. i happened to be attracted to the other, however i was not in this popular group. this event occured sometime when i was accepting that i would never be the most popular guy in the room or the center of attention. i was still finding my place in life.
one day the other girl of the pair turned to me and asked me if i the other girl asked me out, would i date her?
wanting to fit in and save face, i replied, 'yes.'
ever since that time, i've always regretted saying yes. immediately after responding i wish i had amended what i said with, "but i'm attracted to someone else." i wouldn't have had the courage to say it was her, but i would have liked her to know that she shouldn't feel so left out.
i do believe she felt lonely and ignored. and that's why she asked me. as stated, i didn't fit in with her close group of friends, so my outside opinion offered a new perspective.
i still don't think i have the courage to express my feelings when it comes to being attracted to another. the ugly feeling of rejection haunts me. so i avoid putting myself out in the world entirely just to avoid that feeling.
when i do meet someone new who i might be interested in, i get this preconcieved notion that i'm not good enough or desirable so i take on the attitude that nothing i do or say matters since i have nothing left to lose.
i believe my biggest social problems stem from my irrational lack of confidence. i don't see much value in who i am or what i've done and so i don't think i can offer another much of value. which leads to this idea that if a girl isn't going to date me, i don't have to pretend to be someone i'm not. i don't have to hold back anything i say or do when hanging out with my friends. i don't have to try to dress nice. i don't have to try to be impressive in any way at all.
i would say this is a depressing thought, but i've avoided all of the ego-driven, boasts i've seen my friends do just to boost their pride. consequently, i've learned not to care about my pride and ego. i constantly take shots at myself when joking around with my friends. i don't have anything to protect.
i do value being honest. i've tried being true to my personality, but if i'm the only one who acts like this, then it's not catching anyone's eye and i'm always going to be an outcast of sorts.
is there some balance between being myself and holding back to attract a girl? what do i value more, honestly or fitting in socially?
it's been about a year since i've written in this journal and i find myself writing about the same things over and over. i really haven't grown at all in a year. i need to change who i am soon.
Jason