letter; dear sirs and mams...
Symptoms that I believe are used to psychologically terrorize myself:
Nausea[minor/daily]
diarrhea[daily]
vomiting[infrequent/wk]
excessive salivation that has a foul taste and often increases nausea if swallowed, strange consistencies[constantly - unless does not occur when I have STML]
dizziness[minor/daily]
impaired vision[minor/daily]
abdominal pains[minor/daily, moderate infrequent wk/month]
excessive perspiration when heart should be at resting rate or reasonable rate for cardio work outs [infrequent/wk]
abnormal heart rates[minor/wk]
short term memory loss[don't know when]
irritated skin around anus/frequent spotting of blood[infrequent/wk]
insomnia/drowsiness[frequent/wk]
sores on lips or inside of mouth[infrequent/wk-month]
memory lapses - cannot account as my own witness and do not have accounts from others. [account not for gossip or story reasons… to be informed and to prevent]
unfamiliar body odors
I ‘awake’ with a terrible residue in mouth and throat
Noticed a recently chipped tooth next to right top molar [don’t remember the occurrence, it’s quite jagged though]
heightened senses
paranoia
easily agitated
disassociation with reality/delusions
Unable to perceive the reality of my own situation. Emotional pain and confusion.
My current situation as I know it:
I am, under the belief / assuming that I / guessing that I need to be medicated to conceive or grasp any sort of optimistic outcome or to possibly be able to understand ‘what is happening to me’. More importantly to function as… a person who is not in constant pain or has major issues looming over every aspect of daily life.
Although many people I’m around don’t believe true happiness to be important or necessary the emotional and mental pain I experience has become moderate to severe and is, at times, unbearable. Physical pain has become moderate frequently[yrs] without receiving medical attention or, if so, without myself being informed of medical treatment. [abuses/allergies/external and/or internal damages are what?]
I do feel that I need to achieve a sense of well being that goes further then the medication I am on. In which case, I feel a social worker might be necessary. [among other professionals] I do not know how a case is built or how a person in my situation might be able to find the assistance necessary.
Harassment. The reason unknown. It does not seem that there is any given place where I could possible go where I am not followed or else already “known of” as a person who I am not. If I was being treated according to who I am I would not be confused by how people act towards me. The harassment is any occurrence in which people attempt to provoke and/or irritate me specifically with intention[direction or indirectly, say a person remains ignorant to harm they may cause me and is employed to behave towards me in a certain way.]. It occurs any time I am in a public place. I know this is not a delusion but enforcement of a choice made by another person/people. The ‘attacks’ or ‘confrontations’ ‘deject’ and ‘injure’ my public image. I do not know how many false representatives I have but I could see that be a definite factor in the public harassment that follows me home and to a place of employment or into any given aspect of what should be my life.
I do not give consent for abusive techniques to be employed in order for myself to learn or communicate or to attempt to live.
I have been confined for a long period of time with no more then emotional turmoil and psychological terrorism in which ridiculous phobias are installed in my mind. I am then expected to beg for a glass of water from people when parched to a nearly depleted level. many people i would have much different relationships with if I could choose. or i would otherwise be able to see a relationship clearly for what it is. Or else, I am made to believe that abuses are occurring using the ‘brainwashing’ so that I could not possibly be content let alone pleasured by ‘being alive’. The conspiracy seems to be a game for the people around and if I in any way benefit from anything I am being forced to experience, I continue to remain a victim! I give no credit to abusers who claim to have taught me or helped me while confining, drugging, and terrorizing me.
there must be a way that my innocence can be proven because it seems that i am being treated as how a cruel awful person would deserve to be treated by some fucked justice system.
I could see many fall under the belief that I am what a false representative would seek to prove I am. I seem to have no claims to myself or no means to provide evidence to support otherwise. The conspiracy could easily set up a fixed scenario and convince many that I am a illegitimate citizen or a criminal of some kind.
Personal possessions ruined, damaged, or taken. I can’t say I am interested in having them back… it is merely the idea that as I am being psychologically terrorized I must watch personal belongings destroyed as well. The personal belongings mean little to none in comparison to more important personal losses. such as -insert names of friends and self-.
I have been made to believe that my social records indicate financial debt and theft. Apparently, it is all so extreme and severe that I cannot possible adjust or fix the problems. I am unable to find help for these issues.
Some limitations are falsely labeled as being 'supervised' which is incorrect because the supervision seems to be non-applicable to myself and entails inappropriate violations of my human rights… I am not allowed to know my options, rights, or what choices I have or to be fully informed of terms and conditions that apply to myself.
it seems, at times, with the mistaken identity i need to be watched for my own safety. is this assumption true? and for what reasons?
I am unable to find a place to live, recover, and exist as myself. There are only brief stays and then I am terrorized once again. The following symptoms, abuses, and harassment continue to occur in public places, any place I have been mislead to believe is a home, hospitals, places of business, places of employment[and the like].
if i terrorize myself, why leave a person to interact with negative aspects of self in a tiny box for the duration of years. i have not been alone in said box but i can say that visitors are treading on grave grounds.
times of mania are inhaled like the last drop of life. i feel in desperate need at times. although i wish not to be left in a perminate state of complete mania.
The harassment. I could attempt to provide details. It is like the nightmares though, contingent upon what psychological terrorism is being enforced. The harassment, as far as I, who cannot grasp reality, can tell is more so derived from the phobias, superstitions, nightmares, brain washing, etc…. that is grown in my mind while, I am guessing, am put on excessive amounts of drugs.
i cannot tell the reality of my own life situation.
I am not so much concerned with the source of the material used in the nightmares because it is otherwise impartial to myself or would not be of concern to myself naturally. I would not interact or meet with the unwanted material and “grind” it into my mind like what is being done with the conspiracy. I am a serious minded person and take serious material as such... although i have no wish to bring the negative material to life. If the material jumped up and attacked me then it would be an isolated event and I would take the necessary steps to prevent that from reoccurring[legal action]. I would also be fully informed. There is no rewinding to the past or one record of the past. I suppose, I feel a lack in my own life. In the case of forced ignorance, I am not treated as an individual with rights and it seems that I cannot defend myself completely. It is possible that the conspiracy could take action against any party interfering with their agenda but I can only remain helpless to endure the abuse.
I can only come to meek poorly supported conclusions. I do not feel that I need to be the one who identifies the abuse being done to myself in order to prevent it from reoccurring and to recover. I do believe that I should be compensated.
What I mean to say is that I am by no means a doctor or lawyer and could not diagnose or represent myself.
The conspiracy intertwines educational games or hallmark cards into my life as I am being abused. As my skeleton of a self, mindless soulless being, is dragged into a public place I might do a little jig or send out an expression. I enjoy educational games and expressions, at times, yet I continue to dislike the abuse and believe that I could enjoy the education games and hallmark cards without the abusive ‘learning’ techniques employed. What I mean to say is that I am at times insulted by the triviality applied to serious life situations and the seriousness applied to minor events.
Harassment. Many people seem to put on acts or behave as various characters of sorts. It seems that the show does not go on naturally once I arrive on the scene, or am brought to the scene. “BS” is always added so that I can’t tell where I am, what is going on, where I should be, or even where I want to be. As far as I know, I have not encountered a natural experience [excluding the drug factor, kids] in YEARS. I am completely confused as to why I seem to be catatonic until I’m forced to go through motions that are going to incorporate tons of incorrect and/or correct occurrences without my presence. People continue to do what they can to irritate me and it infests a disease that is rotting out my insides….
[excluding the drug factor, kids] Simply means that drugs are lifeless innanimate objects to me. Given we all have mass, even square blocks have moving molecules. What I mean to say is that drugs can be used for good or bad, should be in the correct 'hands, and are in a terrible state of neglection by the government. I state this but have no desire to partake in experimental studies.
And then people ‘dislike’ me or ‘look down’ on me if I act a little bitchy or if I’m left screaming at the voices terrorizing me in my sleep and accidentally wake a person out of their sleep.
Oh, and trust me, I’m not looking for unconditional company from unwanted company. Unwanted company is the last thing I need … for my personal life/growth… and that’s always what I get plenty of.
I reject services from any professional who continues with therapy that I am not completely informed of [unless it's to keep my body from dying, in which case could people not kill my body]. Or therapy does not agree with who I am.
I refuse to be forced to endure unwanted therapy/abusive techniques with the rationale that a therapist is attempting to apply an [under]developed theory that doesn’t apply to myself.
There are many topics I am interested in learning more about. I do not find abuse as a means of commerce or the cost to learn or grow or live.
Confusions and misunderstandings seem to be maintained as is an overwhelming amount of ignorance being enforced.
I do not understand why I would be subjected to abusive forms of hypnosis or subliminal learning programs. It is not that I am against that sort of experimental learning; it is that the messages or voices in my head or nightmares are outrageously, for the most part, perverse, repetitive, “retarded”, abusive, and against my choice. It seems that methods of therapy that I do not agree with are being continually enforced. If I had ensured safety and had set aside a time for such it would be a completely different scenerio. I do not speak for all experimental practices, merely the abuse of such that are not harmful in moderation and with preperation.
I feel that I can take in information at a much faster rate, in a more efficient manner, and using an alternate method to slow and painful torture. I do not know the limitations of my own mind. I care not to destroy it.
I need not be used to boost the ego of some person who projects their image onto myself and while I’m a helpless victim they continue to suggest that by throwing their image onto myself they are able to see themselves as a victim. I am not going to be the character of some degenerate person who does actually have the ability to receive medical attention or assistance. I won’t crawl around on all fours while being thrown “scraps of food or information” from the abusers. I have always felt like a person who wanted to help other people, it is simply that I am not allowed to be that person[myself] and refuse to help anyone as this other person who I am forced to be.
I want to clarify that I am speaking of myself as I am disclaiming myself but I cannot quite clairfy accurately. It is merely that extremely abusive techniques are continuing to be employed and used and I do not agree with the characters I feel are made prominent or the terrible nightmares or confinement or the harassment. I am also unable to continue going through long bouts of dormancy and torture before being awakened with a little optimism to show off my new listening skills. I need a legitimate home and ‘place of operation’ where I can have the security, support, insurance, resources, privacy, confidential professional assistance, and personal life that I NEED to become a complete and legitimate person to myself and society - whom I do not think I should have to prove my status to and further believe any member of society to harass me as completely illegal or ‘in the wrong’. I can’t say for sure because I am not allowed to be informed!
Also, a game of pointing fingers, I am not interested. I am being made to be mentally impaired and I am harldy ever myself.
I am attempting to receive medical attention.
I believe that messages I give orally or on paper are sent to the incorrect parties. I do not know if I am allowed to send out messages or if I am considered a dog or retard by most people around me. I am not aware of reoccurring mistakes until a seemingly random person decides to attack me. Even then I do not know what event has ‘enfolded’ because I am put into a hospital and then released to the same outpatient environment that has only landed me back in the hospital numerous times. I should not be afraid to go out! I deserve to be informed about all aspects of my life. At times I receive messages and the party is not on the message or the message is not directed at myself. All of this chaos is simply people enforcing massive misunderstanding. I am made to believe I am not speaking or communicating only to find out that I am only to find out I don’t know with whom and to what level the relationship has progressed or digressed. I could not possible adjust who I am according to who I am talking to because I don’t know. I couldn’t possible learn any given thing about any given environment that I am.
i accept that i may have accussed innocent parties but feel that the misunderstandings have been maintained and continue to effect myself.
again. i care not to be treated as an illegitimate alien among the cruel people who intentionall hurt myself and leave myself in ignorance.
i am surrounding by people who believe it is right and just to enforce abusive techniques in my life.
Short term memory losses and disassociation at inappropriate times without structure or my own choice involved. Another example of violating my human rights. I am not allowed to decide what to do with my mind and body. It seems some random mutterings of mine are enforced but those are usually the only words of mine that "stick". I deserve to make choices about my mind and body and to know how to take care of myself and the people around me. I deserve to be informed. There is no rationale that could justify leaving a person ignorant to their own life situation or to information that the general public has access to. [at the least!]
The conspiracy does not seem to be a society or group effort where I am welcome, supported, or acknowledged. I do not feel secure and I do not want to go back into a coma for long periods of time while being tortured in my ‘sleep’.
I do not believe I am able to sleep. I only seem to be in a state of insomnia or drowsiness. Although I’m sure I hit REM so that everybody can be satisfied. The ‘care takers’ seem to go to extravagant lengths to maintain a level of health while enforcing deterioration in another sense. All the while I am not informed. Seemingly alone save the harassment and intentional actions taken against myself to make sure I am in a state of torture. I have to say I’m amazed at the genius, I worship the true intellectuals! I now ask to be compensated and to have the right to actually take care of myself according to my own standards without the warped manipulation taking over to ‘make a mockery’ of what I manage to utter out when I’m actually allowed to present.
it is wrong to give life and take it away. i don't believe that the people enforcing the ignorance and playing around with my value as a human person or with my human -rights- are -just- people at all.
I am by no means perfect and won't claim to be. It is simply that after one failed attempt to another i cannot help but claim myself as a complete victim.
Attempts I make to form relationships or to make connections with society outside of the believed conspiracy cannot develop. I am not allowed privacy or confidentiality. I believe it is my right to have both privacy and confidentiality. I also believe I have the right to be informed about my own situation. I deserve to know what my choices and options are. Instead I am forced to remain catatonic until I am forced to ‘grossly’ publicly expose myself… I never know how I might be because I am completely guided and then reactive… to then be manipulated and “thrown back onto my face kind of like having shit rubbed on my face.”
i have a difficult time finishing thoughts. i feel like a small person without rights. screaming out of a dark hole.
I cannot say I completely lack a self, although I believe that I may in fact, have no self. At times I am concerned about personal feelings and emotions but then decide that they are only passing reactions that I’ve been trained to have. How can I believe that I am a legitimate person with legitimate ties to humanity with the associations I am forced to make? I feel, at times, that I cannot be responsible for my own actions because I neither incite them nor lead myself to the point of following through with them. On my own I am forced to remain catatonic[scared, screaming, alone, dying inside, withering pain and agony]. And in this sense, have been harassed and abused on many levels. I do believe in having choices and would like to find a way to take action in accordence with benifiting myself or at least with myself included.
i know not constant severe pain nor tormoil. i use these words because i cannot seem to find a means to end the torture and pain. i want to find attention from the needed health care professionals. i have composed information here, could a professional [or people i'm interested in having in my life, if i had one] get to know me a little by reading this entire letter?
I would like to get to my next destination not because I am under the belief that I will be killed if I do not but because it is the correct progressive step to make. I feel i am not allowed to create plans for myself using foresight and am continually guided to ‘places’ where I could not possible receive the medical attention that I need.
I am interested in establishing a place to live and recover. I do not believe that to be a simple feat. It is only after all this time of effort and money being put into my own pain and suffering… that I ask out of rage instead of hope or optimism… can I not be compensated and able to exist as myself? I believe that I deserve to receive the professional assistance I have requested. if not i compensated, at least the investor[s] who never found their way to me.
GreenOaks. Example of rehabilitation efforts. The first time I was at Green Oaks I found that I was unable to articulate words and was sent to recover in an outpatient program. I was medicated although I was not able to follow up with any of the therapy or professional assistance or any furthering of the program to actually be helped. The medications prescribed to myself nearly gave me a heart attack. Literally. I have attempted seeking assistance for transportation and a safe place to live from relatives. I now do not wish for any given relative of mine to be able to provide the needed environment or transportation for myself. I, in fact, dislike “family” after years of abuse while in their lofty mist. It is possible that I had unknowingly initiated a ‘feud’ ‘fight’ or ‘disagreement’ that has long lasted any sort of logical solution. That, I do not know. In such a case, I do not know where I could possibly live while attempting to find the help I need to recover. I believe myself to be brainwashed and the fear of relatives need not be smothered in my face but acknowledged. It is only, how can I be one to demand wanted company? I appear to stubborn or else bitchy but I am not and it is a result of the abuse. I should not be at my parents house or any relatives house as such. I should also be informed of the abuse done to myself. I believe in myself but I do not believe I should be forced to make numerous attempts to recover where I have not been allowed to do so before. I have also found that I am cut off from being informed about my own life situation and am left with ignorance. An inability to function, exist, live actively as myself, and pointless harassment as the bland days blend into one long painful stationary wait….
I won’t go back to that and I don’t want to go back to living with relatives or any sort of party who I identify with pain.
I do not blame or hold responsible any ignorant party who has merely attempted to help me or who may have accidentally acted as a catalysts to any of the reoccurring problems or symptoms plaguing my attempt to exist. It is simply, that I need to be informed and so does an appropriate ‘care taker’ to an appropriate level. I would care to be permitted to decide what information about myself is known to who.
I believe that because of my ignorance and years of abuse from many parties an investigation might be necessary.
I do want to be compensated financially because I do not believe myself to have money in my name in order to assist myself further in affording to recover and to have a future at all.
I would not say I am intentionally behaving in ways that would continue any sort of disagreement or debate that the conspiracy might use as rationale to further abuse me.
I have ideals and dreams and would like to begin to make my future happen.
An abusive technique that I have encountered is being manipulated by characters who use subliminal learning “these drugs and stories” to lead me onto believing I am talking to a person when I am in fact assisting a person who is rehearsing a script. Over the period of many years, apparently. Or that I'm talking to a person I am not or that I am a person that I am not. The pain is real and I am a victim. Much of my personal self has been mangled by the appearance of appearances and false associates who have acted in behalf of the conspiracy to ensure that I am made to believe I have made a connection outside of the conspiracy.
For a while I was led on to believe I was existing and lived with a close friend, Richard Talabay, in Sherman , TX . We were living in a poorly renovated garage that doesn’t have drinkable water. I believe that I would absolutely find “it all” “a dream come true” if only the abuses where not still in effect. The abuses were still much in effect and myself too mentally sick to live. I do not know where the abuses originate from or for what reason or rationale or why confusion is being maintained. I had been under the belief that I was taking myself to Sherman to share life with Richard Talabay [and not a hiding behind his face, screen name, and/or believed identity] and my mind had been ‘wiped clear’ of the conspiracy, temporarily. In fact, I do not know if I arrived on my own means although I had been under the pretense that I was independently employed and a citizen of the united states . Of course, I always end up being without any sort of support and do not have access to any given resource to take of myself and with that said… I had presented myself as an independent individual because I was under the belief that I was an independent individual of the united states… unfortunately I am actually a retarded immigrant of a species not yet identified… and I do not believe Richard was inviting me to stay under the pretense that he would have to care for me financially and all of that jazz. Must end this paragraph because it is too painful to think about and… I can’t even tell the reality….
I often hear words come out of my mouth that I understand and that I could apply to a situation correctly if only I knew in regards to what I was using the words. Meaning, at times, I speak and I cannot be sure if it is relevant to any given subject.
A man who claims to be homeless and is elderly has moved into the living unit. I do not agree with that and couldn't plan to stay there, in such a small space, with an elderly homeless man and the abuses continuing. I have not attempted to make any problems about the homeless man because the conspiracy of abusers leaves me weak and illogical and I don’t think I am wanted there anyway. I cannot say how Richard is because I hardly feel that I am around him, even if I see him all day long. I cannot live at the living unit with the abuse continuing or the elderly man sleeping on a couch in the middle section. The garage has four sections. 1, bedroom/ 2, kitchen & hall/ 3,bathroom/ 4,bedroom. Old guy with tons of books in section 2. So. I get upset. I can't even read or choose what to read. I hope the new roommates enjoy their space and lives while I’m lying to myself by believing I could possibly find the help that I need at Green Oaks. At the least, perhaps Green Oaks could assist with diagnosing the physical symptoms that are not a naturally occurring disease and are being maintained against my choice and could produce the means to be cured and to get my meds cut without excessively awful side effects/or else remove myself from the situation/program where I constantly have abnormal ailments that prevent me from being a functioning person.
If I was not being drugged and harassed and could possibly establish legitimate employment I feel that Richard and I could live together. I do not foresee complications with each of us having independent lives but enough spare time to share life.
At this point, the conspiracy has ruined me. I could not possibly be a whole person, put together, for any given period of time. I would need the assistance of a professional.
It seems to be perfectly legal for myself to remain ignorant. There are horrible droll plots being run through my mind constantly and I am often infuriated as my life is wasting by. I rather believe I was delusional when believing I could visit with Richard instead of him being a part of continuing the conspiracy. I tell myself he is somehow being coerced into being employed for “the conspiracy” that has been abusing me and taking “the best years of my youth” and that Richard has a nice sort of life to return to and that no “harm” is going to come to him. Even if he reacts to the worst most nonsensical blabber that comes out of my mouth. Of course, this paragraph sounds ridiculous, it’s merely because the very realness of the pain is lingering in the back of my mind.
I could be progressing at a much different rate with different motives and agendas. I believe that my learning and growing in any desired direction could not occur as long as the abuse is. Yet I have no choice. I can only be the drug I’m on and the idea planted into my head. I do not have a schedule or the code and feel that my human rights are being violated to a high degree and that these violations are being maintained.
I’ll never get the lost years back and although I have made attempts to be informed about my ignorance I am constantly denied. With the amount of pain and torture that is allowed to be done to myself and the nightmares I have about how I should feel… that I myself am a tool of sorts within the conspiracy against myself… being a part of it at all is wrong.
I do not disagree with any given practice or concept[except hurting people], only how it is employed in my life without any knowledge or consent on my part.
I feel that I am being forced to learn through negative reinforcement. I do not believe in using that sort of therapy let alone having it forced upon myself.
I will be informed about the details of my own situation. It is Richard’s decision if he wishes to partake or exclude information about himself. I do not know if he makes decisions for himself. I am usually gripped with “panic” or “fear” of another person being mistreated in the manner that I am or the seperate idea that another person would be hurt because of my mere presence. I would want Richard in my life in an either casual manner or serious manner. Either way, I would like to know where he stands.
I would like to request private and confidential professional relationships in which I can actively communicate with about my situation, recovery process, and future life. I also feel that I need to find a way to establish a certain amount of privacy because it seems that there is a great deal of attention in my direction. I do not care for negative attention that further insinuates any pain that has been harvested inside nor do I wish to sacrifice any more of my personal self because there seem to be many people who desire to cause conflict and/or drama. If at all possible, I would like to address any withstanding issues once I am able to be informed about my situation. I would like to be legitimately acknowledged by any given professional dealing with my case. If need be, I would like to request to have my medical files and information concealed. I would like to do so from relatives and all other interested parties. I do not care to be left in the hands of a professional who works against their patient [my] interests. I do not have a need to create further drama.
What I am writing now I am fairly certain is not private and I cannot say for what purpose I am being made to believe I might have a change to present and defend myself at all. Even if it is in order to find a way for myself to a party who can do such.
I do not know if I have money in my name. I am hesitant to take money or assistance from any given person who has offered it because it seems to feed the conspiracy. I do wish to maintain privacy from all parties who -I- have found disruptive to myself after being fully informed of my situation.
Please tell me this isn't an intranet and please tell me I'm not going to be murdered for talking.
I have been walked through the wrong ways to go. I have seen the negative outlined. I have not been given enough productive advice or legitimate advice applicable to myself. Or else, have not been able to put into action the steps necessary.
I cannot say for sure if this document as a whole would make sense once read over a couple times. There is no set format or technical language.
With what I have stated it would seem that I would be completely alone by choice. Of course, I would feel more human if I could have a close friend involved. I fear that I am too serious minded [perhaps; hurt, mentally impaired, in pain] about certain issues and that any given person I associate as a friend would do no more then become hysterically ridiculously amused and never speak with me again or end up chatting with any given relative or accused party over tea. That is only an example. I care to know who is informed about my life, to what degree, and to then find a way to politely omit them if they could not possibly be considered a friend of mine.
The level of activity a person has in my life does not add points. See what I am turning into? I don't like it. I merely state that an extremely high amount of the wrong kind of attention to my life has maintained the confusion and forced ignorance that I speak of. I don't get psychic messages, I would like to know what is real and what is not.
I do not believe I should learn how to cope with abuse so that I can continue to endure it.
I do not wish to seem preoccupied, it is that I cannot live while the abuse and harassment is actively destroying my mind, body, and soul. I have convinced myself that there is a way to live without the pain constantly being inflicted on myself.
I believe there to be a middle ground and professionals and personal relationships of choice and the ability for myself to know how to care for myself. Although, i cannot stop the harassment nor identify it's intent or extent.
I may in fact have to spend the rest of my living days as a dumbed up retard while the people plagued by having to care for me go on living their lives and then [shitting on me when they get drunk].
I am restricted from resources, sources, and any sort of venue that could assist or inform myself. I am forced to remain as a character I am not and in this sense do not have a “place to live”. It does not seem possible for me to be employed as the conspiracy is put into effect. As I attempt to find employment the conspiracy has already ensured that I be represented as a character who could not possibly be employed based on requirements, most likely, set at a ‘corporate’ level. It seems that when I am employed I only continue to suffer the abuses mentioned. I cannot seem to dial out and am trapped/confined within variously different environments where I continue to be abused and can only reach out as a character not of my choice.
I do not know where to go. When I stayed at Green Oaks the first time I was not able to communicate with any of the staff. The staff did not arrange any sort of recovery program or give me legitimate attention. The staff pretended to “check my vital signs”.
I would appreciate talking to any given human being who is also a professional [not when I am made to be or appear deranged or in another way that I am not] so that I can find a way to a recover and to also be compensated for the abuses continually enforced against myself. I would like to actively live as myself and be freed from ignorance.
Nausea[minor/daily]
diarrhea[daily]
vomiting[infrequent/wk]
excessive salivation that has a foul taste and often increases nausea if swallowed, strange consistencies[constantly - unless does not occur when I have STML]
dizziness[minor/daily]
impaired vision[minor/daily]
abdominal pains[minor/daily, moderate infrequent wk/month]
excessive perspiration when heart should be at resting rate or reasonable rate for cardio work outs [infrequent/wk]
abnormal heart rates[minor/wk]
short term memory loss[don't know when]
irritated skin around anus/frequent spotting of blood[infrequent/wk]
insomnia/drowsiness[frequent/wk]
sores on lips or inside of mouth[infrequent/wk-month]
memory lapses - cannot account as my own witness and do not have accounts from others. [account not for gossip or story reasons… to be informed and to prevent]
unfamiliar body odors
I ‘awake’ with a terrible residue in mouth and throat
Noticed a recently chipped tooth next to right top molar [don’t remember the occurrence, it’s quite jagged though]
heightened senses
paranoia
easily agitated
disassociation with reality/delusions
Unable to perceive the reality of my own situation. Emotional pain and confusion.
My current situation as I know it:
I am, under the belief / assuming that I / guessing that I need to be medicated to conceive or grasp any sort of optimistic outcome or to possibly be able to understand ‘what is happening to me’. More importantly to function as… a person who is not in constant pain or has major issues looming over every aspect of daily life.
Although many people I’m around don’t believe true happiness to be important or necessary the emotional and mental pain I experience has become moderate to severe and is, at times, unbearable. Physical pain has become moderate frequently[yrs] without receiving medical attention or, if so, without myself being informed of medical treatment. [abuses/allergies/external and/or internal damages are what?]
I do feel that I need to achieve a sense of well being that goes further then the medication I am on. In which case, I feel a social worker might be necessary. [among other professionals] I do not know how a case is built or how a person in my situation might be able to find the assistance necessary.
Harassment. The reason unknown. It does not seem that there is any given place where I could possible go where I am not followed or else already “known of” as a person who I am not. If I was being treated according to who I am I would not be confused by how people act towards me. The harassment is any occurrence in which people attempt to provoke and/or irritate me specifically with intention[direction or indirectly, say a person remains ignorant to harm they may cause me and is employed to behave towards me in a certain way.]. It occurs any time I am in a public place. I know this is not a delusion but enforcement of a choice made by another person/people. The ‘attacks’ or ‘confrontations’ ‘deject’ and ‘injure’ my public image. I do not know how many false representatives I have but I could see that be a definite factor in the public harassment that follows me home and to a place of employment or into any given aspect of what should be my life.
I do not give consent for abusive techniques to be employed in order for myself to learn or communicate or to attempt to live.
I have been confined for a long period of time with no more then emotional turmoil and psychological terrorism in which ridiculous phobias are installed in my mind. I am then expected to beg for a glass of water from people when parched to a nearly depleted level. many people i would have much different relationships with if I could choose. or i would otherwise be able to see a relationship clearly for what it is. Or else, I am made to believe that abuses are occurring using the ‘brainwashing’ so that I could not possibly be content let alone pleasured by ‘being alive’. The conspiracy seems to be a game for the people around and if I in any way benefit from anything I am being forced to experience, I continue to remain a victim! I give no credit to abusers who claim to have taught me or helped me while confining, drugging, and terrorizing me.
there must be a way that my innocence can be proven because it seems that i am being treated as how a cruel awful person would deserve to be treated by some fucked justice system.
I could see many fall under the belief that I am what a false representative would seek to prove I am. I seem to have no claims to myself or no means to provide evidence to support otherwise. The conspiracy could easily set up a fixed scenario and convince many that I am a illegitimate citizen or a criminal of some kind.
Personal possessions ruined, damaged, or taken. I can’t say I am interested in having them back… it is merely the idea that as I am being psychologically terrorized I must watch personal belongings destroyed as well. The personal belongings mean little to none in comparison to more important personal losses. such as -insert names of friends and self-.
I have been made to believe that my social records indicate financial debt and theft. Apparently, it is all so extreme and severe that I cannot possible adjust or fix the problems. I am unable to find help for these issues.
Some limitations are falsely labeled as being 'supervised' which is incorrect because the supervision seems to be non-applicable to myself and entails inappropriate violations of my human rights… I am not allowed to know my options, rights, or what choices I have or to be fully informed of terms and conditions that apply to myself.
it seems, at times, with the mistaken identity i need to be watched for my own safety. is this assumption true? and for what reasons?
I am unable to find a place to live, recover, and exist as myself. There are only brief stays and then I am terrorized once again. The following symptoms, abuses, and harassment continue to occur in public places, any place I have been mislead to believe is a home, hospitals, places of business, places of employment[and the like].
if i terrorize myself, why leave a person to interact with negative aspects of self in a tiny box for the duration of years. i have not been alone in said box but i can say that visitors are treading on grave grounds.
times of mania are inhaled like the last drop of life. i feel in desperate need at times. although i wish not to be left in a perminate state of complete mania.
The harassment. I could attempt to provide details. It is like the nightmares though, contingent upon what psychological terrorism is being enforced. The harassment, as far as I, who cannot grasp reality, can tell is more so derived from the phobias, superstitions, nightmares, brain washing, etc…. that is grown in my mind while, I am guessing, am put on excessive amounts of drugs.
i cannot tell the reality of my own life situation.
I am not so much concerned with the source of the material used in the nightmares because it is otherwise impartial to myself or would not be of concern to myself naturally. I would not interact or meet with the unwanted material and “grind” it into my mind like what is being done with the conspiracy. I am a serious minded person and take serious material as such... although i have no wish to bring the negative material to life. If the material jumped up and attacked me then it would be an isolated event and I would take the necessary steps to prevent that from reoccurring[legal action]. I would also be fully informed. There is no rewinding to the past or one record of the past. I suppose, I feel a lack in my own life. In the case of forced ignorance, I am not treated as an individual with rights and it seems that I cannot defend myself completely. It is possible that the conspiracy could take action against any party interfering with their agenda but I can only remain helpless to endure the abuse.
I can only come to meek poorly supported conclusions. I do not feel that I need to be the one who identifies the abuse being done to myself in order to prevent it from reoccurring and to recover. I do believe that I should be compensated.
What I mean to say is that I am by no means a doctor or lawyer and could not diagnose or represent myself.
The conspiracy intertwines educational games or hallmark cards into my life as I am being abused. As my skeleton of a self, mindless soulless being, is dragged into a public place I might do a little jig or send out an expression. I enjoy educational games and expressions, at times, yet I continue to dislike the abuse and believe that I could enjoy the education games and hallmark cards without the abusive ‘learning’ techniques employed. What I mean to say is that I am at times insulted by the triviality applied to serious life situations and the seriousness applied to minor events.
Harassment. Many people seem to put on acts or behave as various characters of sorts. It seems that the show does not go on naturally once I arrive on the scene, or am brought to the scene. “BS” is always added so that I can’t tell where I am, what is going on, where I should be, or even where I want to be. As far as I know, I have not encountered a natural experience [excluding the drug factor, kids] in YEARS. I am completely confused as to why I seem to be catatonic until I’m forced to go through motions that are going to incorporate tons of incorrect and/or correct occurrences without my presence. People continue to do what they can to irritate me and it infests a disease that is rotting out my insides….
[excluding the drug factor, kids] Simply means that drugs are lifeless innanimate objects to me. Given we all have mass, even square blocks have moving molecules. What I mean to say is that drugs can be used for good or bad, should be in the correct 'hands, and are in a terrible state of neglection by the government. I state this but have no desire to partake in experimental studies.
And then people ‘dislike’ me or ‘look down’ on me if I act a little bitchy or if I’m left screaming at the voices terrorizing me in my sleep and accidentally wake a person out of their sleep.
Oh, and trust me, I’m not looking for unconditional company from unwanted company. Unwanted company is the last thing I need … for my personal life/growth… and that’s always what I get plenty of.
I reject services from any professional who continues with therapy that I am not completely informed of [unless it's to keep my body from dying, in which case could people not kill my body]. Or therapy does not agree with who I am.
I refuse to be forced to endure unwanted therapy/abusive techniques with the rationale that a therapist is attempting to apply an [under]developed theory that doesn’t apply to myself.
There are many topics I am interested in learning more about. I do not find abuse as a means of commerce or the cost to learn or grow or live.
Confusions and misunderstandings seem to be maintained as is an overwhelming amount of ignorance being enforced.
I do not understand why I would be subjected to abusive forms of hypnosis or subliminal learning programs. It is not that I am against that sort of experimental learning; it is that the messages or voices in my head or nightmares are outrageously, for the most part, perverse, repetitive, “retarded”, abusive, and against my choice. It seems that methods of therapy that I do not agree with are being continually enforced. If I had ensured safety and had set aside a time for such it would be a completely different scenerio. I do not speak for all experimental practices, merely the abuse of such that are not harmful in moderation and with preperation.
I feel that I can take in information at a much faster rate, in a more efficient manner, and using an alternate method to slow and painful torture. I do not know the limitations of my own mind. I care not to destroy it.
I need not be used to boost the ego of some person who projects their image onto myself and while I’m a helpless victim they continue to suggest that by throwing their image onto myself they are able to see themselves as a victim. I am not going to be the character of some degenerate person who does actually have the ability to receive medical attention or assistance. I won’t crawl around on all fours while being thrown “scraps of food or information” from the abusers. I have always felt like a person who wanted to help other people, it is simply that I am not allowed to be that person[myself] and refuse to help anyone as this other person who I am forced to be.
I want to clarify that I am speaking of myself as I am disclaiming myself but I cannot quite clairfy accurately. It is merely that extremely abusive techniques are continuing to be employed and used and I do not agree with the characters I feel are made prominent or the terrible nightmares or confinement or the harassment. I am also unable to continue going through long bouts of dormancy and torture before being awakened with a little optimism to show off my new listening skills. I need a legitimate home and ‘place of operation’ where I can have the security, support, insurance, resources, privacy, confidential professional assistance, and personal life that I NEED to become a complete and legitimate person to myself and society - whom I do not think I should have to prove my status to and further believe any member of society to harass me as completely illegal or ‘in the wrong’. I can’t say for sure because I am not allowed to be informed!
Also, a game of pointing fingers, I am not interested. I am being made to be mentally impaired and I am harldy ever myself.
I am attempting to receive medical attention.
I believe that messages I give orally or on paper are sent to the incorrect parties. I do not know if I am allowed to send out messages or if I am considered a dog or retard by most people around me. I am not aware of reoccurring mistakes until a seemingly random person decides to attack me. Even then I do not know what event has ‘enfolded’ because I am put into a hospital and then released to the same outpatient environment that has only landed me back in the hospital numerous times. I should not be afraid to go out! I deserve to be informed about all aspects of my life. At times I receive messages and the party is not on the message or the message is not directed at myself. All of this chaos is simply people enforcing massive misunderstanding. I am made to believe I am not speaking or communicating only to find out that I am only to find out I don’t know with whom and to what level the relationship has progressed or digressed. I could not possible adjust who I am according to who I am talking to because I don’t know. I couldn’t possible learn any given thing about any given environment that I am.
i accept that i may have accussed innocent parties but feel that the misunderstandings have been maintained and continue to effect myself.
again. i care not to be treated as an illegitimate alien among the cruel people who intentionall hurt myself and leave myself in ignorance.
i am surrounding by people who believe it is right and just to enforce abusive techniques in my life.
Short term memory losses and disassociation at inappropriate times without structure or my own choice involved. Another example of violating my human rights. I am not allowed to decide what to do with my mind and body. It seems some random mutterings of mine are enforced but those are usually the only words of mine that "stick". I deserve to make choices about my mind and body and to know how to take care of myself and the people around me. I deserve to be informed. There is no rationale that could justify leaving a person ignorant to their own life situation or to information that the general public has access to. [at the least!]
The conspiracy does not seem to be a society or group effort where I am welcome, supported, or acknowledged. I do not feel secure and I do not want to go back into a coma for long periods of time while being tortured in my ‘sleep’.
I do not believe I am able to sleep. I only seem to be in a state of insomnia or drowsiness. Although I’m sure I hit REM so that everybody can be satisfied. The ‘care takers’ seem to go to extravagant lengths to maintain a level of health while enforcing deterioration in another sense. All the while I am not informed. Seemingly alone save the harassment and intentional actions taken against myself to make sure I am in a state of torture. I have to say I’m amazed at the genius, I worship the true intellectuals! I now ask to be compensated and to have the right to actually take care of myself according to my own standards without the warped manipulation taking over to ‘make a mockery’ of what I manage to utter out when I’m actually allowed to present.
it is wrong to give life and take it away. i don't believe that the people enforcing the ignorance and playing around with my value as a human person or with my human -rights- are -just- people at all.
I am by no means perfect and won't claim to be. It is simply that after one failed attempt to another i cannot help but claim myself as a complete victim.
Attempts I make to form relationships or to make connections with society outside of the believed conspiracy cannot develop. I am not allowed privacy or confidentiality. I believe it is my right to have both privacy and confidentiality. I also believe I have the right to be informed about my own situation. I deserve to know what my choices and options are. Instead I am forced to remain catatonic until I am forced to ‘grossly’ publicly expose myself… I never know how I might be because I am completely guided and then reactive… to then be manipulated and “thrown back onto my face kind of like having shit rubbed on my face.”
i have a difficult time finishing thoughts. i feel like a small person without rights. screaming out of a dark hole.
I cannot say I completely lack a self, although I believe that I may in fact, have no self. At times I am concerned about personal feelings and emotions but then decide that they are only passing reactions that I’ve been trained to have. How can I believe that I am a legitimate person with legitimate ties to humanity with the associations I am forced to make? I feel, at times, that I cannot be responsible for my own actions because I neither incite them nor lead myself to the point of following through with them. On my own I am forced to remain catatonic[scared, screaming, alone, dying inside, withering pain and agony]. And in this sense, have been harassed and abused on many levels. I do believe in having choices and would like to find a way to take action in accordence with benifiting myself or at least with myself included.
i know not constant severe pain nor tormoil. i use these words because i cannot seem to find a means to end the torture and pain. i want to find attention from the needed health care professionals. i have composed information here, could a professional [or people i'm interested in having in my life, if i had one] get to know me a little by reading this entire letter?
I would like to get to my next destination not because I am under the belief that I will be killed if I do not but because it is the correct progressive step to make. I feel i am not allowed to create plans for myself using foresight and am continually guided to ‘places’ where I could not possible receive the medical attention that I need.
I am interested in establishing a place to live and recover. I do not believe that to be a simple feat. It is only after all this time of effort and money being put into my own pain and suffering… that I ask out of rage instead of hope or optimism… can I not be compensated and able to exist as myself? I believe that I deserve to receive the professional assistance I have requested. if not i compensated, at least the investor[s] who never found their way to me.
GreenOaks. Example of rehabilitation efforts. The first time I was at Green Oaks I found that I was unable to articulate words and was sent to recover in an outpatient program. I was medicated although I was not able to follow up with any of the therapy or professional assistance or any furthering of the program to actually be helped. The medications prescribed to myself nearly gave me a heart attack. Literally. I have attempted seeking assistance for transportation and a safe place to live from relatives. I now do not wish for any given relative of mine to be able to provide the needed environment or transportation for myself. I, in fact, dislike “family” after years of abuse while in their lofty mist. It is possible that I had unknowingly initiated a ‘feud’ ‘fight’ or ‘disagreement’ that has long lasted any sort of logical solution. That, I do not know. In such a case, I do not know where I could possibly live while attempting to find the help I need to recover. I believe myself to be brainwashed and the fear of relatives need not be smothered in my face but acknowledged. It is only, how can I be one to demand wanted company? I appear to stubborn or else bitchy but I am not and it is a result of the abuse. I should not be at my parents house or any relatives house as such. I should also be informed of the abuse done to myself. I believe in myself but I do not believe I should be forced to make numerous attempts to recover where I have not been allowed to do so before. I have also found that I am cut off from being informed about my own life situation and am left with ignorance. An inability to function, exist, live actively as myself, and pointless harassment as the bland days blend into one long painful stationary wait….
I won’t go back to that and I don’t want to go back to living with relatives or any sort of party who I identify with pain.
I do not blame or hold responsible any ignorant party who has merely attempted to help me or who may have accidentally acted as a catalysts to any of the reoccurring problems or symptoms plaguing my attempt to exist. It is simply, that I need to be informed and so does an appropriate ‘care taker’ to an appropriate level. I would care to be permitted to decide what information about myself is known to who.
I believe that because of my ignorance and years of abuse from many parties an investigation might be necessary.
I do want to be compensated financially because I do not believe myself to have money in my name in order to assist myself further in affording to recover and to have a future at all.
I would not say I am intentionally behaving in ways that would continue any sort of disagreement or debate that the conspiracy might use as rationale to further abuse me.
I have ideals and dreams and would like to begin to make my future happen.
An abusive technique that I have encountered is being manipulated by characters who use subliminal learning “these drugs and stories” to lead me onto believing I am talking to a person when I am in fact assisting a person who is rehearsing a script. Over the period of many years, apparently. Or that I'm talking to a person I am not or that I am a person that I am not. The pain is real and I am a victim. Much of my personal self has been mangled by the appearance of appearances and false associates who have acted in behalf of the conspiracy to ensure that I am made to believe I have made a connection outside of the conspiracy.
For a while I was led on to believe I was existing and lived with a close friend, Richard Talabay, in Sherman , TX . We were living in a poorly renovated garage that doesn’t have drinkable water. I believe that I would absolutely find “it all” “a dream come true” if only the abuses where not still in effect. The abuses were still much in effect and myself too mentally sick to live. I do not know where the abuses originate from or for what reason or rationale or why confusion is being maintained. I had been under the belief that I was taking myself to Sherman to share life with Richard Talabay [and not a hiding behind his face, screen name, and/or believed identity] and my mind had been ‘wiped clear’ of the conspiracy, temporarily. In fact, I do not know if I arrived on my own means although I had been under the pretense that I was independently employed and a citizen of the united states . Of course, I always end up being without any sort of support and do not have access to any given resource to take of myself and with that said… I had presented myself as an independent individual because I was under the belief that I was an independent individual of the united states… unfortunately I am actually a retarded immigrant of a species not yet identified… and I do not believe Richard was inviting me to stay under the pretense that he would have to care for me financially and all of that jazz. Must end this paragraph because it is too painful to think about and… I can’t even tell the reality….
I often hear words come out of my mouth that I understand and that I could apply to a situation correctly if only I knew in regards to what I was using the words. Meaning, at times, I speak and I cannot be sure if it is relevant to any given subject.
A man who claims to be homeless and is elderly has moved into the living unit. I do not agree with that and couldn't plan to stay there, in such a small space, with an elderly homeless man and the abuses continuing. I have not attempted to make any problems about the homeless man because the conspiracy of abusers leaves me weak and illogical and I don’t think I am wanted there anyway. I cannot say how Richard is because I hardly feel that I am around him, even if I see him all day long. I cannot live at the living unit with the abuse continuing or the elderly man sleeping on a couch in the middle section. The garage has four sections. 1, bedroom/ 2, kitchen & hall/ 3,bathroom/ 4,bedroom. Old guy with tons of books in section 2. So. I get upset. I can't even read or choose what to read. I hope the new roommates enjoy their space and lives while I’m lying to myself by believing I could possibly find the help that I need at Green Oaks. At the least, perhaps Green Oaks could assist with diagnosing the physical symptoms that are not a naturally occurring disease and are being maintained against my choice and could produce the means to be cured and to get my meds cut without excessively awful side effects/or else remove myself from the situation/program where I constantly have abnormal ailments that prevent me from being a functioning person.
If I was not being drugged and harassed and could possibly establish legitimate employment I feel that Richard and I could live together. I do not foresee complications with each of us having independent lives but enough spare time to share life.
At this point, the conspiracy has ruined me. I could not possibly be a whole person, put together, for any given period of time. I would need the assistance of a professional.
It seems to be perfectly legal for myself to remain ignorant. There are horrible droll plots being run through my mind constantly and I am often infuriated as my life is wasting by. I rather believe I was delusional when believing I could visit with Richard instead of him being a part of continuing the conspiracy. I tell myself he is somehow being coerced into being employed for “the conspiracy” that has been abusing me and taking “the best years of my youth” and that Richard has a nice sort of life to return to and that no “harm” is going to come to him. Even if he reacts to the worst most nonsensical blabber that comes out of my mouth. Of course, this paragraph sounds ridiculous, it’s merely because the very realness of the pain is lingering in the back of my mind.
I could be progressing at a much different rate with different motives and agendas. I believe that my learning and growing in any desired direction could not occur as long as the abuse is. Yet I have no choice. I can only be the drug I’m on and the idea planted into my head. I do not have a schedule or the code and feel that my human rights are being violated to a high degree and that these violations are being maintained.
I’ll never get the lost years back and although I have made attempts to be informed about my ignorance I am constantly denied. With the amount of pain and torture that is allowed to be done to myself and the nightmares I have about how I should feel… that I myself am a tool of sorts within the conspiracy against myself… being a part of it at all is wrong.
I do not disagree with any given practice or concept[except hurting people], only how it is employed in my life without any knowledge or consent on my part.
I feel that I am being forced to learn through negative reinforcement. I do not believe in using that sort of therapy let alone having it forced upon myself.
I will be informed about the details of my own situation. It is Richard’s decision if he wishes to partake or exclude information about himself. I do not know if he makes decisions for himself. I am usually gripped with “panic” or “fear” of another person being mistreated in the manner that I am or the seperate idea that another person would be hurt because of my mere presence. I would want Richard in my life in an either casual manner or serious manner. Either way, I would like to know where he stands.
I would like to request private and confidential professional relationships in which I can actively communicate with about my situation, recovery process, and future life. I also feel that I need to find a way to establish a certain amount of privacy because it seems that there is a great deal of attention in my direction. I do not care for negative attention that further insinuates any pain that has been harvested inside nor do I wish to sacrifice any more of my personal self because there seem to be many people who desire to cause conflict and/or drama. If at all possible, I would like to address any withstanding issues once I am able to be informed about my situation. I would like to be legitimately acknowledged by any given professional dealing with my case. If need be, I would like to request to have my medical files and information concealed. I would like to do so from relatives and all other interested parties. I do not care to be left in the hands of a professional who works against their patient [my] interests. I do not have a need to create further drama.
What I am writing now I am fairly certain is not private and I cannot say for what purpose I am being made to believe I might have a change to present and defend myself at all. Even if it is in order to find a way for myself to a party who can do such.
I do not know if I have money in my name. I am hesitant to take money or assistance from any given person who has offered it because it seems to feed the conspiracy. I do wish to maintain privacy from all parties who -I- have found disruptive to myself after being fully informed of my situation.
Please tell me this isn't an intranet and please tell me I'm not going to be murdered for talking.
I have been walked through the wrong ways to go. I have seen the negative outlined. I have not been given enough productive advice or legitimate advice applicable to myself. Or else, have not been able to put into action the steps necessary.
I cannot say for sure if this document as a whole would make sense once read over a couple times. There is no set format or technical language.
With what I have stated it would seem that I would be completely alone by choice. Of course, I would feel more human if I could have a close friend involved. I fear that I am too serious minded [perhaps; hurt, mentally impaired, in pain] about certain issues and that any given person I associate as a friend would do no more then become hysterically ridiculously amused and never speak with me again or end up chatting with any given relative or accused party over tea. That is only an example. I care to know who is informed about my life, to what degree, and to then find a way to politely omit them if they could not possibly be considered a friend of mine.
The level of activity a person has in my life does not add points. See what I am turning into? I don't like it. I merely state that an extremely high amount of the wrong kind of attention to my life has maintained the confusion and forced ignorance that I speak of. I don't get psychic messages, I would like to know what is real and what is not.
I do not believe I should learn how to cope with abuse so that I can continue to endure it.
I do not wish to seem preoccupied, it is that I cannot live while the abuse and harassment is actively destroying my mind, body, and soul. I have convinced myself that there is a way to live without the pain constantly being inflicted on myself.
I believe there to be a middle ground and professionals and personal relationships of choice and the ability for myself to know how to care for myself. Although, i cannot stop the harassment nor identify it's intent or extent.
I may in fact have to spend the rest of my living days as a dumbed up retard while the people plagued by having to care for me go on living their lives and then [shitting on me when they get drunk].
I am restricted from resources, sources, and any sort of venue that could assist or inform myself. I am forced to remain as a character I am not and in this sense do not have a “place to live”. It does not seem possible for me to be employed as the conspiracy is put into effect. As I attempt to find employment the conspiracy has already ensured that I be represented as a character who could not possibly be employed based on requirements, most likely, set at a ‘corporate’ level. It seems that when I am employed I only continue to suffer the abuses mentioned. I cannot seem to dial out and am trapped/confined within variously different environments where I continue to be abused and can only reach out as a character not of my choice.
I do not know where to go. When I stayed at Green Oaks the first time I was not able to communicate with any of the staff. The staff did not arrange any sort of recovery program or give me legitimate attention. The staff pretended to “check my vital signs”.
I would appreciate talking to any given human being who is also a professional [not when I am made to be or appear deranged or in another way that I am not] so that I can find a way to a recover and to also be compensated for the abuses continually enforced against myself. I would like to actively live as myself and be freed from ignorance.