keep talking...

[tivona]

is that all they want... is for me to keep talking... running around talking to strangers. forgetting where i came from. god knows i couldn't literally. have done awful horrible things and hurt people. is there no middle ground for me. am i some kind of monster? why does it seem those with weary hearts must give up on me or else send me spinning. i don't mean to wear away at fragil hearts. it isn't my intention. why can't i filter who i am according to the reality around myself? parts of myself are not appropriate for the environment. It isn't the environment's fault but why must I continue to be a tool for hurting. I don't want to be chatty and absent of mind. I want to exist actively. why maintain the sadness. I am concerned. The time until relief... much too far away... i don't know the rules for where i am at any given time and may not ever arrive as myself. i do need a welcome though. i don't mean to be selective but over the course of time i feel i need to be with certain types of company and most definitely -not- with ohter types. how can i bring myself into being, can i? is it impossible. does the void go too deep and too broad? I might talk all night, if I must, to fight the invading pain.

i write not a script. i'll re-read my words or else, post them here. that's what i'll do. write my words of release here on my space. the complete version, the most complete i have it. without being afraid that it will be twisted and the twisted version becoming the law, what is enforced, in my life. it's a story i wrote while distrought about my previous self. i must say, with all i write, records coming from any given person who has lived inside of myself. i mean not to make my future detrimental or to cause harm to any other person.