update journal
Why can these people with all of this money and effort to do no more then continually do what they can to make sure that I am not actually living?!?!?!?!? It’s outrageous for me to expect any given person to help me actually function and live as a legitimate individual but it isn’t outrageous for tons of people to constantly put money and effort into making sure I am unhappy, unacknowledged, alone, miserable, and always hooked-up against my will to this psychological terrorism.
The people around seem to weld in with the rest of the conspiracy. …change with the wind… as do these flocking people who seem to be ever changing and progressing… as long as it doesn’t involve myself doing the same.
I cannot find a single -real- person to communicate with. I’m serious. There are so many fucking… walking talking nothings… everywhere. I cannot ‘get in’ to be around legitimate people. They’re all slogans… simply another part of the conspiracy. The artificial intelligence aimed to make sure that I am never existing as myself at all. I am tired of being harassed. I’d rather be alone, honestly, then be trapped in this hellish nightmare of trying to exist. I only get glimpse of what my life would be like if I had anything to do with it!!! Only, in reality, all I get are samples of what other people would enforce in my life if they had the chance to manipulate everything about who I am.
… all it would be is a character development or analysis… I am now loosing the ability to think clearly and I’m forgetting. It’s easy enough to identify what is apparent. I don’t know. I shouldn’t be here knowing that the conspiracy is sure to make sure I’m actually -not- here. All I’m doing is creating negative associations with the physical places around me. More poor life experiences. I’m now forced to lower my level of thinking - vocabulary and language in general. Why would I want any person to put anything into being around me. I definitely wouldn’t. I’m only driven from place to place. Being held off… held off from starting life. It’s only when I begin to think that I might be able to live… that’s when the nightmares begin, the excessive drugging, nightmares, psychological terrorism, the dehumanization of anything I’ve invested in emotionally… the conspiracy is much greater. Anything I am given is not my own... it's only given to be taken away. Using whatever rationale the conspiracy wants to use. I am unable to communicate with the people hurting me or helping me [although most likely they’re just helping themselves] because there is no me… I’m just a vessel people can use to make what they desire. It’s obvious money and effort is involved although nothing can be said of high class… or of people being ‘made over’… I don’t have a life to be handed back over to myself. The conspiracy makes sure to take anything that I might want to create for myself… and to keep me locked away as they continue to torture and neglect me. Giving me nothing but pain.
The intranet limiting me from all resources. The Disney version of all forms of entertainment or media… except I can still be victimized by some total pervert as I am not sleeping but put into an unconscious state. There are a few hours from time to time, if added up, where I might receive the subtitles for interesting topics or might feel remotely as myself. Only, it isn’t enough, and it’s all tainted by the unnaturally occurring shit that is continually force fed into me! I don’t think that I can actually access the WWW. I guess, I’d rather know if I can’t have access to a given resource… rather then being made to believe I do.
And the harassment. There don’t seem to be worth while people within miles!!!! Decades. They must all be in another time or place. It’s all about the conspiracy. The ridiculous scripts that seem to be written by children. I should be able the end the abuse but I do not know where it is coming from. I can’t go anywhere or do anything. As myself. I don’t have any privacy or confidential professional relationships with two-way communication that are of my choice and to a level that I am comfortable with. I’d love to have that, especially if I was involved and I was able to make some progress in my life. I am unable to use my own vocabulary or words… my representatives don’t know anything about -me-. If I attempt to mingle with a crowd that I’d find enjoyable… some “bull shit ‘goes down’”, I’m not there, or the conspiracy is… and suddenly I’m being harassed again by people who I don’t even see being in my life if I had one. I can’t even speak… literally… I’m saying… I’m made to be mute until I am completely ridiculous myself. If I tried to seek help for myself… I wouldn’t get it. I seem to only help masochists and sadists… the unhappy depressed class of society I’m sure has a nice comfy chair reserved for me… as do many classes of society that I simply don’t feel like myself in. I don’t even get enough time with myself to find my way anywhere. It’s wherever anybody wants to toss me. I guess I could pretend that I’m VIP and that’s why I can’t go anywhere or do anything without the conspiracy and tons of harassment… like… omg who am I? Did I just do something controversial? Do I seem to be of royalty? Why all of the ignorance… am I a Mormon or...??!?!! Or maybe I’m a foster child of sorts… without anything to my name… travel from home to home with all sorts of different classes… etc…. only I can’t know that I’m a foster child or that there is the conspiracy of people up keeping an inability for myself to exist…. Trying to make what I know to make sense… but I just can’t!!!! It isn’t more then money[in my name]… I think it would take -a lot- of money… at this point I seem totally messed up. I feel like it would be extreme for myself to find a way to be protected and insured and represented accurately. That happening wouldn’t be for one person to realize who I am… it would be so that I could exist and be able to so on an everyday basis. I keep looking around and there are only walls… and the psychological terrorism… breaking down every aspect of my human existence. I belief the conspiracy to use extreme ridiculous methods of manipulations to strap me down and make sure I’m basically dead yet alive enough to feel the pain. Perhaps it’s all they know but this isn’t who I am… I’m not living… anything I'd enjoy about living is ruined by the massive conspiracy aiming to make sure I stay sick, unhappy, depressed, alone, uninformed, etc....