(no subject)
Tell me you didn't see this mess of an entry coming.
I'm trying really hard to cope with the reality I've been handed. You know when you wake up still drunk and you're like "HA! None of that happened...RIGHT?!" That's how I woke up this morning--after less than 3 hours sleep. My head was and still is kind of spinning and I'm just really really out of it right now. And I really wasn't drinking.
I thought this would be easier to write down, I woke up with the words pouring out of my head and now I'm at a bit of a loss.
My constant need to please everyone around me really isn't helping in this situation one bit.
I spent entire weeks telling myself to shut the fuck up and to get over it, and all that intensely difficult mental anguish fell the fuck apart last night. I feel like the depth of the situation has been overlooked by most, and that in my joking nature towards it I may have been able to hide the real pain that I've been feeling.
Only I would end up here, and "here" still isn't much of anywhere. It's a state of mind and an intangible, unfulfillable feeling.
I've never seen someone in so much pain before. Like it actually physically made me uncomfortable to hear all the things he's thinking and to know all the things he's been feeling. He said that there was something "wrong" with him more than once and I just wanted to scream. I've been playing along into that pseudo "I hate what you are" act for way too long now to not feel absolutely terrible about it.
I want to delete every word of this fucking entry.
Things were going REALLY well. I was creating distance and like actually getting over the idea that something--anything--could come of this. Then last night happened, and now I have no idea how I feel anymore. To think that entire conversation began because I was MAD at him, and wanted to create further distance and protect myself.
The worst part about it all is I'm still not sure he really gets it. Okay that totally isn't the worst part, but it still really sucks to pour out your soul and to be truly exposed and to not be sure if the person you were basically confessing everything to actually got the depth and the truth behind your words. I guess I do need to be more clear, and to not speak in such riddles and in phrase that have double or triple meanings.
I'm exhausted. Return to sender did not order.
I'm trying really hard to cope with the reality I've been handed. You know when you wake up still drunk and you're like "HA! None of that happened...RIGHT?!" That's how I woke up this morning--after less than 3 hours sleep. My head was and still is kind of spinning and I'm just really really out of it right now. And I really wasn't drinking.
I thought this would be easier to write down, I woke up with the words pouring out of my head and now I'm at a bit of a loss.
My constant need to please everyone around me really isn't helping in this situation one bit.
I spent entire weeks telling myself to shut the fuck up and to get over it, and all that intensely difficult mental anguish fell the fuck apart last night. I feel like the depth of the situation has been overlooked by most, and that in my joking nature towards it I may have been able to hide the real pain that I've been feeling.
Only I would end up here, and "here" still isn't much of anywhere. It's a state of mind and an intangible, unfulfillable feeling.
I've never seen someone in so much pain before. Like it actually physically made me uncomfortable to hear all the things he's thinking and to know all the things he's been feeling. He said that there was something "wrong" with him more than once and I just wanted to scream. I've been playing along into that pseudo "I hate what you are" act for way too long now to not feel absolutely terrible about it.
I want to delete every word of this fucking entry.
Things were going REALLY well. I was creating distance and like actually getting over the idea that something--anything--could come of this. Then last night happened, and now I have no idea how I feel anymore. To think that entire conversation began because I was MAD at him, and wanted to create further distance and protect myself.
The worst part about it all is I'm still not sure he really gets it. Okay that totally isn't the worst part, but it still really sucks to pour out your soul and to be truly exposed and to not be sure if the person you were basically confessing everything to actually got the depth and the truth behind your words. I guess I do need to be more clear, and to not speak in such riddles and in phrase that have double or triple meanings.
I'm exhausted. Return to sender did not order.