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Well well, the fancy parade came round and it was just as it ever was and will be. Nothing out of the ordinary save maybe a few small banners to let you know that this is the county's one-hundred-fiftith year
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thing is i know that i consider you to be quite a prolific person, and i dont know how i reconcile that with my imaginings of you as stagnant. and i know that i truly am bothered most by the lingerings of a self i am trying to outgrow and that has somehow been directed at you for their surface similarities. i agree with what you said about the imaginings of a person we used to know.
i certainly have been despondant in the past. and as you aptly put, the most frustrating thing to me Is that our lives dont overlap.
i am not sure about all this only myself when angry or defensive. i am not sure about that being the only way to reach me. i think this is a bit contrived and that there was some honest anger in what you wrote. i am reachable on a day to day basis, and not just when full of passion.
and therapy is about the self relating to the self. but the thing is you have to leave in order to come back. sometimes looking in the eyes of someone hearing your story, you get to see how they interpret it without them having to say anything, and just by that act it is enough data to reinterpret your own thoughts. there are lots of mechanisms for this, but one benefit of therapy is that (and i am not saying anyone wants to spend a significant amount of time around anyone who is not worthwhile. only worthwhile people are my subjects here) each person comes from a different place, and some people have had radically different experiences, so when you look in there eyes as they hear your story, you have access to a radically different look at your own thoughts, as opposed to just a second one.
i dont know about the trying to impress me thing. i hope or wish that you hadnt felt that way. in some of my loneliest times i have called you up for company, not entertainment. i laugh at absurdity, but i try not to write off whole individuals, and if i have in the past it has probably been mostly in retaliation for having felt the same slight.
there is a lot of arrogance in my first post. a lot. you hit it on the head that i feel like your jobs and hobbies are not as good as mine. in a major way, unbeknownst to me consciously, that was where i was speaking from. i want to take it back. i want to say, what is good for you is good, and what is good for me is good, and they need not be the same, only that we both enjoy our time. i am sincerely sorry.
i guess i want for you what i want for you, and that is mass exposure to the infinite array of lifestyles and paradigms so that your mental barriers break down and you speak freely and live as genuinely spontaneous and experimental as your thoughts. But that is not as great as wanting for you what you want for you, which is Real care, and requires letting go of my self centered judgement scale while holding you up to light. i am sorry i have been self centered.
i hope it is gibberish in your last lines, and a rhetorical quirky quip. All my friends whom you have never met know your name, most have seen your picture. All could testify to your significance to me as a person. i hope there is a time when we re meet as different and yet essentially the same people. maybe that is not right now, but come to think of it, i sort of like the idea that real friends dont go away, you just dont see them sometimes, and when you do- you know each other like you have because you do.
hasta luego.
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