:tcejbuS
Well well, the fancy parade came round and it was just as it ever was and will be. Nothing out of the ordinary save maybe a few small banners to let you know that this is the county's one-hundred-fiftith year.
None of the regulars came by to gander on this silly moving circus, but that night some old friends came to go see the stationary one downtown. She used to be babysat by my mother and is like our sister, and her younger sister came by first and told me my hair was short, and i say yea ive just cut it. But i lied since i went to the barber, but it wouldnt have made a great story seeing as how the nice old russian lady wasnt there that time to cut it and a hasty older-still woman zipped through my hair with military speed.
The movie 'secret window' was really interesting and ive seen it three times now. First on an airplane with a cramp in my neck, second with my dad with pains in my tongue from explaining what just happened in the movie over and over to him, and tonight. Only, tonight, it was called 'hide and seek' and in depp's stead was dinero. Sarcasm aside, this movie was very well made and holds the interest just as well. But it is such a copy of the central concept of 'secret window' that i refuse to take it as a coincidence. For these two movies aside, the last time i really enjoyed a film was 'the village' with its crazy twist.
I am painfully aware that i ignore the troubles in iraq and our own nation, but the power of a good film is too fascinating. No one really wants to hear my negative input on these two subjects anyhow, and will only argue with me about mine and their outlooks. The movies and the outlooks of onlookers can do just about the same amount of good, which is absolutely nothing. I try to only add possitive things like my recent viewing of a good flick or the weather here. I did enjoy the rain this morning as i rushed off to government class.
My sister must use a palm-pilot for her school and told us there is a magnet on the case that they were given as seniors which messes up the computer and battery, and i said i thought the company does it on purpose to keep their customers hungry and needing repairs. I was interupted and not truly listened to. More and more i find this, and it is deeply sadening. It's like im not as young as i used to be, in the sense of the old saying, not that it is not truth. So i tried to make myself clear, in a stubbron oldman way, and said its like how car companies could make cars to last twenty some odd years or however long, and i have heard this time and time again, i have read this time and time again. And with some hasty arrogant comment about how people would still want new cars, she mentally flicked me off, shoved me away. I wasnt even allowed a chance to comment on this, i was just cut off with her swelling anger. I dont want to argue with her, i dont want to argue with anyone. Well alex you have to argue sometimes. Well fine, but when i do argue i simply, calmly, firmly, passionately, stubbornly, absouletly and possitively [in intention] refuse to fly off of the handle. I wont yell to argue, and i dont care how many times friends family and accaintances look at me oddly, and move on fast as if i am too slow to talk with because i will not get all wound up about something as stupid as a magnet. Yes, a magent. Take it off of the case. Dont use that case. Write the company a letter. But do not think that the weighted troubles that crush your weary conscience can be pushed onto a magent. Their is no such thing as blame really, and i will argue so. Especially when you try to say that a magent is at fault, is to be blamed for your grades which could be a little bit better. People push themselves away from others when others are not performing how they wish they would. And then, they are sad when they seem to be utterly alone. Well i am still standing right there, in my mind, not really. I am still standing in that doorway, as if she didnt go on to argue with her mother about some other silly topic. I will ever stand there if need be, if i am not answered. I will not seek out a response, but i will patiently wait for her to calm down. It takes two not to argue, and i have done all that i might have done to keep the peace.
You know, i was asked by Liz, the girl we've known and who is like a sister, when im going to move out. I told her that i was home. Somewhere, deep inside of my mind, a part of me is angry and offended. But i know that it is only childish to poke at people when they poke at you. Maybe they never inteded to poke, maybe they really did, it doesnt matter. When you turn the other cheek and let them poke a bloody mess in that one, they will grow tired of needless violence, or even more hopefully, they will realise that you will not fight back and no arguement will come from their offense, whether intended or not, for unintended offense is not really a true offense and never existed for to cease being anyway. And in the end she said she probably would have done the same thing. There is no definate plan in my mind, but i do not wish to move away from what will be mine. I think that many people see my being here through their own eyes; they think i am free loading because it is something this wish to do or would do in my position. But they could not truly come at my postion without having endured what would make such a motive impossible. To make it perfectly clear, i must now look after my aging parents. Greedy cousins and hasty friends would not like to believe this, but inner peace is the realization that their beliefs are bases for their own lives. These beliefs only concern you when share a relationship with that person, and uncles and cousins of mine who belittle and patronize me will find that i wont be treated as a child any longer. Again, what my uncle told me could have been unintended to insult, but when he said i should come and see them and i woulnd't need my 'mama's permisson' i shut off our relationship. If he is going to resort to playground antics before speaking to me of the care given to my family by me in the weary stead of a gregarious busy life, then i will not treat him like an adult either. I am trying to find a career that will hold over the years, unlike his own. I am sorry that i am not a merchant from turkey, but i am not. My calm manner is always taken as if i am some sort of retarded idiot who isnt able to cope in society. The truth is, the real fucken truth is that i must silence myself from the waves of heated anger that come over me and i handle this in my own my own fashion. Normally i do not want to talk about my anger, do not want to share. Because i know that it is not an anger that will be accepted and so the cycle begins again. But i figure this out for myself, steadily and surely. I hate this reupblican/democrat, black or white world we live in. We have always lived in it though, since the first tribes. When something is mind-stunningly confusing, the fastest way to solve it is to smash it to tiny bits. Belive me i want to smash it to hell. But i deal with it like everyone should and some do, and slowly come to the answer that was always there but was clouded by some sort of human perception or natural decpeption. When people point to you in class and say hey the smart person lets check answers, lets 'compare' notes; when they use you as a stepping stone to get their work done, they use a plethra of tricks to get your help. Compliments are the most normal means, but the crazy thing is, they fucken work. I will not say no. This is the most perplexing part of my own pysche. I am held back by this desire to help other people, to explain in vivid lengthy detail. Nothing is more sickening to me that people who use haste as the nature, primal weapon that it is. Haste is just practice from the days of old, practice to kill hard wired in our brains. Practice to run as fast as the tribe is running from danger. Haste keeps the dexterity in the limbs and agility in the fingers in order to make the kill and to eat the meat and to survive. Haste is all these things and there is but one letter keeping haste from its dark cousin whom plagues humanity. Hate is all these things and more, and i realize that it has fueled this entire journal entry. But i realize that it is there, i know well that it has used its brethren haste to whip out these words for preservation. I cannot remove this curse, no one can. No two can, no three, none. But a curse exists in terrible abundance and afflicts thousands of millions of trillions of poor souls, and this curse is ignorance. This curse can be cured and reapplied, seemingly at will. When i remove the curse of ignorance from my mind, i find the deep rooted bane of hatred in my mind. Applying more igonrance covers up some hatred. It is almost a science, which is remarkable in the realm of emotion. Ignorance is not stupidity and the ignorant can be taught said truth, but the stupid will listen to none of it. You can be ignorant of something and then know it, and are no longer ignorant, but if you are cursed with stupidity then you cannot grasp it. Its as if a limb is missing in the mind, and there simply is no mechanism to hold onto the thought, the notion of whatever it is that is the key to your becoming aware. And just when i think of it as a science, just when a have a mathematical formula half drawn up for the relationship of ingorance and hatred, stupidity is thrown into the mix, assigned as well. This is like an assignment i will only ever receive a C for, because i cannot fit stupidity into it. It has blown my mind from the very first days of my understanding of the terms, from my elementary school days of homemade psycology. i remember those days, so innocent so free. but soon i learned that i must keep certain things to myself. one day we sat around a table and read a story together, and them answered some questions regarding it, and we spend many a good minute on a particular problem. i can almost remember it, for sitting there was like an eternity. the actual problem is on the tip of my mind's tonuge and i have spent many long sessions of mediation trying to remember the problem. but none is needed to recall what happened next. without hesitation i politely rasied my hand and asked how someone could not understand that problem. the teacher's face grew very serious and scolding, and mrs gretenchord [sp] lectured me very sternly about how impolite that actually was. this fed my desire to help others and to explain things to them immensly [sp] and from then on i thought about what i asked. this can be seen as an event which held me back with the average, it can be seen as a grounding lesson which was very helpful. whatever way i choose to look at it while in meditation, i always have such wonderful political daydreams while dwelling on this topic, this particular lesson of getting scolded for saying what was on my mind. and that is the issue, whether or not i was some kind of smarty pants wiseguy genius is beside the point and i think i was being the cousin of the smart different person which is the crazy daydreaming different person, and these cousins are opposite ends of a circular band which is at once outside of and inside of but rarely touching the sheep in the normal group. not to be down on them, sheep are good too. my clothes are made possible by them and some poor soul in china, and they keep lonely horny farmers busy i hear... but seriously the sheep are strong in a flock. [or are sheep in herds? i know lions are in prides...] Even here in this journal this topic has spawned such beautiful tangents. Sure the second grade was fun and it was bad too; i remember a girl throwing up by my desk and i found some breakfast pineapple on the corner of my desk. this dark skinned girl, looked india-indian sat with her dress open and no panties on while we were in a circle sitting [ironicaly enough] indian style. We laughed when the teacher read the word dictionary aloud one sylable at a time. But the real even that year was the reprimanding for lashing out at whoever it was that didnt know the answer. Oh, i didnt directly call them out but they knew and i knew, and i didnt have anger in me then. But anger grows when i must stop for them i guess, i must hold myself back and down because of their not seeing along. I know that events in their lives made them not able to pay attention too, just as much as some refused to pay. But whatever the reason, i always carried a businessman approach and therefore expected them all to as well. It's no use wasting your god given energy on kickball at reccess or football afterschool. When you return to class, your teacher, your professor, or your boss will expect your attention regardless of who you know or fuck and how you did at the softball game on the tenth, you know the one we won against the guys in accounting? Well this has been a very fun ride for coffee riddled me, and i will enjoy reflecting upon it when i am not so wound up as i am now.
Big test in art history tomorrow, but i am not worried about it. One lesson was that the people were 'reforming' during the 'reformation', and thats why it is called that. I had to fight my hand from harming my eyes with a pen. I really didnt know that you could be that ignorant and not know that, but hey all the ignorance is a smooth comfortable quilt in the cold angry world of logic and reason and fact.
Father time is telling me to sleep and mother nature wants me to get up and visit the john. Maybe some air, the rain was nice. And the moon is wonderful tonight, soon it will be full, else i missed the fullness and it is waning... meh... i plan on taking astronomy next sem, good thing i neednt be studying it this go round. Well goodnight journal, take care.
None of the regulars came by to gander on this silly moving circus, but that night some old friends came to go see the stationary one downtown. She used to be babysat by my mother and is like our sister, and her younger sister came by first and told me my hair was short, and i say yea ive just cut it. But i lied since i went to the barber, but it wouldnt have made a great story seeing as how the nice old russian lady wasnt there that time to cut it and a hasty older-still woman zipped through my hair with military speed.
The movie 'secret window' was really interesting and ive seen it three times now. First on an airplane with a cramp in my neck, second with my dad with pains in my tongue from explaining what just happened in the movie over and over to him, and tonight. Only, tonight, it was called 'hide and seek' and in depp's stead was dinero. Sarcasm aside, this movie was very well made and holds the interest just as well. But it is such a copy of the central concept of 'secret window' that i refuse to take it as a coincidence. For these two movies aside, the last time i really enjoyed a film was 'the village' with its crazy twist.
I am painfully aware that i ignore the troubles in iraq and our own nation, but the power of a good film is too fascinating. No one really wants to hear my negative input on these two subjects anyhow, and will only argue with me about mine and their outlooks. The movies and the outlooks of onlookers can do just about the same amount of good, which is absolutely nothing. I try to only add possitive things like my recent viewing of a good flick or the weather here. I did enjoy the rain this morning as i rushed off to government class.
My sister must use a palm-pilot for her school and told us there is a magnet on the case that they were given as seniors which messes up the computer and battery, and i said i thought the company does it on purpose to keep their customers hungry and needing repairs. I was interupted and not truly listened to. More and more i find this, and it is deeply sadening. It's like im not as young as i used to be, in the sense of the old saying, not that it is not truth. So i tried to make myself clear, in a stubbron oldman way, and said its like how car companies could make cars to last twenty some odd years or however long, and i have heard this time and time again, i have read this time and time again. And with some hasty arrogant comment about how people would still want new cars, she mentally flicked me off, shoved me away. I wasnt even allowed a chance to comment on this, i was just cut off with her swelling anger. I dont want to argue with her, i dont want to argue with anyone. Well alex you have to argue sometimes. Well fine, but when i do argue i simply, calmly, firmly, passionately, stubbornly, absouletly and possitively [in intention] refuse to fly off of the handle. I wont yell to argue, and i dont care how many times friends family and accaintances look at me oddly, and move on fast as if i am too slow to talk with because i will not get all wound up about something as stupid as a magnet. Yes, a magent. Take it off of the case. Dont use that case. Write the company a letter. But do not think that the weighted troubles that crush your weary conscience can be pushed onto a magent. Their is no such thing as blame really, and i will argue so. Especially when you try to say that a magent is at fault, is to be blamed for your grades which could be a little bit better. People push themselves away from others when others are not performing how they wish they would. And then, they are sad when they seem to be utterly alone. Well i am still standing right there, in my mind, not really. I am still standing in that doorway, as if she didnt go on to argue with her mother about some other silly topic. I will ever stand there if need be, if i am not answered. I will not seek out a response, but i will patiently wait for her to calm down. It takes two not to argue, and i have done all that i might have done to keep the peace.
You know, i was asked by Liz, the girl we've known and who is like a sister, when im going to move out. I told her that i was home. Somewhere, deep inside of my mind, a part of me is angry and offended. But i know that it is only childish to poke at people when they poke at you. Maybe they never inteded to poke, maybe they really did, it doesnt matter. When you turn the other cheek and let them poke a bloody mess in that one, they will grow tired of needless violence, or even more hopefully, they will realise that you will not fight back and no arguement will come from their offense, whether intended or not, for unintended offense is not really a true offense and never existed for to cease being anyway. And in the end she said she probably would have done the same thing. There is no definate plan in my mind, but i do not wish to move away from what will be mine. I think that many people see my being here through their own eyes; they think i am free loading because it is something this wish to do or would do in my position. But they could not truly come at my postion without having endured what would make such a motive impossible. To make it perfectly clear, i must now look after my aging parents. Greedy cousins and hasty friends would not like to believe this, but inner peace is the realization that their beliefs are bases for their own lives. These beliefs only concern you when share a relationship with that person, and uncles and cousins of mine who belittle and patronize me will find that i wont be treated as a child any longer. Again, what my uncle told me could have been unintended to insult, but when he said i should come and see them and i woulnd't need my 'mama's permisson' i shut off our relationship. If he is going to resort to playground antics before speaking to me of the care given to my family by me in the weary stead of a gregarious busy life, then i will not treat him like an adult either. I am trying to find a career that will hold over the years, unlike his own. I am sorry that i am not a merchant from turkey, but i am not. My calm manner is always taken as if i am some sort of retarded idiot who isnt able to cope in society. The truth is, the real fucken truth is that i must silence myself from the waves of heated anger that come over me and i handle this in my own my own fashion. Normally i do not want to talk about my anger, do not want to share. Because i know that it is not an anger that will be accepted and so the cycle begins again. But i figure this out for myself, steadily and surely. I hate this reupblican/democrat, black or white world we live in. We have always lived in it though, since the first tribes. When something is mind-stunningly confusing, the fastest way to solve it is to smash it to tiny bits. Belive me i want to smash it to hell. But i deal with it like everyone should and some do, and slowly come to the answer that was always there but was clouded by some sort of human perception or natural decpeption. When people point to you in class and say hey the smart person lets check answers, lets 'compare' notes; when they use you as a stepping stone to get their work done, they use a plethra of tricks to get your help. Compliments are the most normal means, but the crazy thing is, they fucken work. I will not say no. This is the most perplexing part of my own pysche. I am held back by this desire to help other people, to explain in vivid lengthy detail. Nothing is more sickening to me that people who use haste as the nature, primal weapon that it is. Haste is just practice from the days of old, practice to kill hard wired in our brains. Practice to run as fast as the tribe is running from danger. Haste keeps the dexterity in the limbs and agility in the fingers in order to make the kill and to eat the meat and to survive. Haste is all these things and there is but one letter keeping haste from its dark cousin whom plagues humanity. Hate is all these things and more, and i realize that it has fueled this entire journal entry. But i realize that it is there, i know well that it has used its brethren haste to whip out these words for preservation. I cannot remove this curse, no one can. No two can, no three, none. But a curse exists in terrible abundance and afflicts thousands of millions of trillions of poor souls, and this curse is ignorance. This curse can be cured and reapplied, seemingly at will. When i remove the curse of ignorance from my mind, i find the deep rooted bane of hatred in my mind. Applying more igonrance covers up some hatred. It is almost a science, which is remarkable in the realm of emotion. Ignorance is not stupidity and the ignorant can be taught said truth, but the stupid will listen to none of it. You can be ignorant of something and then know it, and are no longer ignorant, but if you are cursed with stupidity then you cannot grasp it. Its as if a limb is missing in the mind, and there simply is no mechanism to hold onto the thought, the notion of whatever it is that is the key to your becoming aware. And just when i think of it as a science, just when a have a mathematical formula half drawn up for the relationship of ingorance and hatred, stupidity is thrown into the mix, assigned as well. This is like an assignment i will only ever receive a C for, because i cannot fit stupidity into it. It has blown my mind from the very first days of my understanding of the terms, from my elementary school days of homemade psycology. i remember those days, so innocent so free. but soon i learned that i must keep certain things to myself. one day we sat around a table and read a story together, and them answered some questions regarding it, and we spend many a good minute on a particular problem. i can almost remember it, for sitting there was like an eternity. the actual problem is on the tip of my mind's tonuge and i have spent many long sessions of mediation trying to remember the problem. but none is needed to recall what happened next. without hesitation i politely rasied my hand and asked how someone could not understand that problem. the teacher's face grew very serious and scolding, and mrs gretenchord [sp] lectured me very sternly about how impolite that actually was. this fed my desire to help others and to explain things to them immensly [sp] and from then on i thought about what i asked. this can be seen as an event which held me back with the average, it can be seen as a grounding lesson which was very helpful. whatever way i choose to look at it while in meditation, i always have such wonderful political daydreams while dwelling on this topic, this particular lesson of getting scolded for saying what was on my mind. and that is the issue, whether or not i was some kind of smarty pants wiseguy genius is beside the point and i think i was being the cousin of the smart different person which is the crazy daydreaming different person, and these cousins are opposite ends of a circular band which is at once outside of and inside of but rarely touching the sheep in the normal group. not to be down on them, sheep are good too. my clothes are made possible by them and some poor soul in china, and they keep lonely horny farmers busy i hear... but seriously the sheep are strong in a flock. [or are sheep in herds? i know lions are in prides...] Even here in this journal this topic has spawned such beautiful tangents. Sure the second grade was fun and it was bad too; i remember a girl throwing up by my desk and i found some breakfast pineapple on the corner of my desk. this dark skinned girl, looked india-indian sat with her dress open and no panties on while we were in a circle sitting [ironicaly enough] indian style. We laughed when the teacher read the word dictionary aloud one sylable at a time. But the real even that year was the reprimanding for lashing out at whoever it was that didnt know the answer. Oh, i didnt directly call them out but they knew and i knew, and i didnt have anger in me then. But anger grows when i must stop for them i guess, i must hold myself back and down because of their not seeing along. I know that events in their lives made them not able to pay attention too, just as much as some refused to pay. But whatever the reason, i always carried a businessman approach and therefore expected them all to as well. It's no use wasting your god given energy on kickball at reccess or football afterschool. When you return to class, your teacher, your professor, or your boss will expect your attention regardless of who you know or fuck and how you did at the softball game on the tenth, you know the one we won against the guys in accounting? Well this has been a very fun ride for coffee riddled me, and i will enjoy reflecting upon it when i am not so wound up as i am now.
Big test in art history tomorrow, but i am not worried about it. One lesson was that the people were 'reforming' during the 'reformation', and thats why it is called that. I had to fight my hand from harming my eyes with a pen. I really didnt know that you could be that ignorant and not know that, but hey all the ignorance is a smooth comfortable quilt in the cold angry world of logic and reason and fact.
Father time is telling me to sleep and mother nature wants me to get up and visit the john. Maybe some air, the rain was nice. And the moon is wonderful tonight, soon it will be full, else i missed the fullness and it is waning... meh... i plan on taking astronomy next sem, good thing i neednt be studying it this go round. Well goodnight journal, take care.