Graduation.
This post is long belated, I know.
A levels ended exactly 10 days ago for me and it hasn't fully settled in that I would no longer be studying like a mad cow in school uniform for (hopefully) the rest of my living years. I suppose the holiday to Penang had aided the process a little but it honestly has not lifted its ban from me. I guess it was because it all happened so fast. The end to the apparent misery was so sudden. I had spent 1 and a half of the 2 not even full years in SA grumbling about it that when farewell came it didn't actually feel like farewell. In a sense, I'm still ready to pack my bag with all my notes and go to school at 7am to mentally prepare and cram for an 8am paper. I'm still ready to go to school and stay there from 7am-7pm to mug on the days where I don't have papers. I still wake up in panic that I have to get ready for my afternoon papers when I get up past 8.30am. I suppose this is what they call withdrawal? I have nightmares every night about my papers. Most of them about econs; the things my subconscious won't let go. It pains me to know just exactly how much I have regretted. Nonetheless, I'm glad I didn't give up and take the easy way out like I always do. The most important lesson I learned from this examinations is not all the knowledge that I've gained or the studying techniques but something so basic that people would turn their nose up at the anticlimax of this: determination.
4 months ago I was still lamenting about my incredible stupidity. My self esteem had been shot to pieces what with my bad(code for not up to standard) grades and my horrible SAT 1 score. It did not help that my classmates were so hardworking that I just felt like I could never measure up. My Prelim results really hit me hard when I saw everyone around me improving by heaps and I was just stuck at the same spot even though I had put in more effort, especially for chemistry. 4 months ago if you had told me I would willingly spend 7-7 in school mugging I would've told you that you didn't know the first thing about me. But I changed. Yes my self confidence was shot. Yes I was close to giving up. Yes it seemed like nothing would get better. Yet, somewhere inside I knew that things could change. I knew that even if it were not 4As, something close to that would be a vast improvement from where I was. The first week of study break was tough, I remember. I had spent two full days slacking and I hated myself so much but as it drew nearer, I panicked even more. The sunday before my first a level paper, I sat at the dining table from 7am to 11.30pm and completed two KI essays and mugging 3 KI topics, finished 07full math paper, 08 paper2, chem 08 p1,p2, econs essay outline..that's about all I can remember.
By that point I was so stressed out thinking that I had not done enough, and I now know that I haven't. That is something I will have to live with. The night before the chemistry paper I cried for an hour after my tuition teacher spoke these few scary words to me "how come, until now, you still don't know your 'transition elements'?" That did me in, on the car ride home I had an anxiety attack and it all went downhill. My parents tried to comfort me. My father even pulling out the "que sera sera" card. But it was all futile. I eventually went to bed at 9pm and woke up the next morning at 530am and spent the rest of the time until the paper mugging.
A levels really was the scariest experience I have ever had and it has not ended. It will never end, just like how my O lvl cert still haunts me. Still convincing me that I'm unintelligent, that I'm a failure, that I'm not good enough. But it's alright because I'll slowly overcome it.
Well now that school is over I guess I have many things to confess. I have yet to decide at this point whether this post will be friend locked,
we shall see. First of all, it may be a harsh statement to say that all the guys in my school are absolutely repulsive, what is closer to the truth is I honestly have not had a crush for really a few years. I have lost that feeling. I think I think too much.(Ironic isn't it, this statement) Honestly, there just isn't an attraction. It was to the point where I honestly thought I had a slight defect and started fabricating feelings for people that are really UNJUSTIFIED.
To the guy with the same damn prank,
for a period of time I "liked" you perhaps because you were one of the few guys that were willing to interact with me despite my ice bitch persona. You were funny and you weren't that bad looking either. What mattered was that I felt halfway comfortable with you even when I knew I would never fit it with the rest of the posse. But it was fake. I was looking for something to hold on to. Something to dream about. Something to waste the time away. Something that would stop me from digging a ditch of self criticism so deep that lava would come spilling out.
To the guy who is fake,
this, now this may be closer to real. I think I honestly do respect and admire you. Yet, nothing else about your personality or looks seems to justify why in the world I, or anyone for that matter would be attracted to you. You have a motor mouth, you're two-faced, you're confusing as hell and just plain weird. I enjoy talking to you I guess but it seems that I haven't made as deep an impression on you than you have on me. Just please stop sending me mixed signals, this thing has to be cleared up soon and it has to end.
I guess more than anything else, I haven't shared the real me with many people in the two years I've spent in "azkaban". I've made few true friends besides the ones that were carried over from crescent. I'm seen as the scary Ice Bitch. I don't deny that, I will be sarcastic to you, it's my sense of humour. I will be snappy and crack wise comments if you deserve it. I'm straightforward and the truth hurts. Usually I cap it, I don't dish out anything you don't deserve or that I know you can't handle. So go ahead, you want to be hypocritical go ahead. I've learnt that doesn't end well for me so I'm not even going to pretend anymore. If I have something to say there's a 90% chance you'll be hearing it.
I guess there isn't much to miss. I'll miss KI the most I think. It's most refreshing thing I've done in all my years in Singapore. It's something that I'm going to continue. I'll continue reading philosophy and doing critical thinking. Now that the stress and pressure from having to do it in a time limit is gone it should be much more enjoyable.
I was officially distracted by my "school=azkaban" thought and posted on facebook then got distracted by facebook, then twitter...heh.
so there goes my self confessional mode.
Anyway, there seems to be enough material in this one post so it's just going to go up up up in the internet feed. I don't think I have to lock it. You people(besides the ones I told) are probably clueless as to who I'm talking about.
That's all,
Isabel.
A levels ended exactly 10 days ago for me and it hasn't fully settled in that I would no longer be studying like a mad cow in school uniform for (hopefully) the rest of my living years. I suppose the holiday to Penang had aided the process a little but it honestly has not lifted its ban from me. I guess it was because it all happened so fast. The end to the apparent misery was so sudden. I had spent 1 and a half of the 2 not even full years in SA grumbling about it that when farewell came it didn't actually feel like farewell. In a sense, I'm still ready to pack my bag with all my notes and go to school at 7am to mentally prepare and cram for an 8am paper. I'm still ready to go to school and stay there from 7am-7pm to mug on the days where I don't have papers. I still wake up in panic that I have to get ready for my afternoon papers when I get up past 8.30am. I suppose this is what they call withdrawal? I have nightmares every night about my papers. Most of them about econs; the things my subconscious won't let go. It pains me to know just exactly how much I have regretted. Nonetheless, I'm glad I didn't give up and take the easy way out like I always do. The most important lesson I learned from this examinations is not all the knowledge that I've gained or the studying techniques but something so basic that people would turn their nose up at the anticlimax of this: determination.
4 months ago I was still lamenting about my incredible stupidity. My self esteem had been shot to pieces what with my bad(code for not up to standard) grades and my horrible SAT 1 score. It did not help that my classmates were so hardworking that I just felt like I could never measure up. My Prelim results really hit me hard when I saw everyone around me improving by heaps and I was just stuck at the same spot even though I had put in more effort, especially for chemistry. 4 months ago if you had told me I would willingly spend 7-7 in school mugging I would've told you that you didn't know the first thing about me. But I changed. Yes my self confidence was shot. Yes I was close to giving up. Yes it seemed like nothing would get better. Yet, somewhere inside I knew that things could change. I knew that even if it were not 4As, something close to that would be a vast improvement from where I was. The first week of study break was tough, I remember. I had spent two full days slacking and I hated myself so much but as it drew nearer, I panicked even more. The sunday before my first a level paper, I sat at the dining table from 7am to 11.30pm and completed two KI essays and mugging 3 KI topics, finished 07full math paper, 08 paper2, chem 08 p1,p2, econs essay outline..that's about all I can remember.
By that point I was so stressed out thinking that I had not done enough, and I now know that I haven't. That is something I will have to live with. The night before the chemistry paper I cried for an hour after my tuition teacher spoke these few scary words to me "how come, until now, you still don't know your 'transition elements'?" That did me in, on the car ride home I had an anxiety attack and it all went downhill. My parents tried to comfort me. My father even pulling out the "que sera sera" card. But it was all futile. I eventually went to bed at 9pm and woke up the next morning at 530am and spent the rest of the time until the paper mugging.
A levels really was the scariest experience I have ever had and it has not ended. It will never end, just like how my O lvl cert still haunts me. Still convincing me that I'm unintelligent, that I'm a failure, that I'm not good enough. But it's alright because I'll slowly overcome it.
Well now that school is over I guess I have many things to confess. I have yet to decide at this point whether this post will be friend locked,
we shall see. First of all, it may be a harsh statement to say that all the guys in my school are absolutely repulsive, what is closer to the truth is I honestly have not had a crush for really a few years. I have lost that feeling. I think I think too much.(Ironic isn't it, this statement) Honestly, there just isn't an attraction. It was to the point where I honestly thought I had a slight defect and started fabricating feelings for people that are really UNJUSTIFIED.
To the guy with the same damn prank,
for a period of time I "liked" you perhaps because you were one of the few guys that were willing to interact with me despite my ice bitch persona. You were funny and you weren't that bad looking either. What mattered was that I felt halfway comfortable with you even when I knew I would never fit it with the rest of the posse. But it was fake. I was looking for something to hold on to. Something to dream about. Something to waste the time away. Something that would stop me from digging a ditch of self criticism so deep that lava would come spilling out.
To the guy who is fake,
this, now this may be closer to real. I think I honestly do respect and admire you. Yet, nothing else about your personality or looks seems to justify why in the world I, or anyone for that matter would be attracted to you. You have a motor mouth, you're two-faced, you're confusing as hell and just plain weird. I enjoy talking to you I guess but it seems that I haven't made as deep an impression on you than you have on me. Just please stop sending me mixed signals, this thing has to be cleared up soon and it has to end.
I guess more than anything else, I haven't shared the real me with many people in the two years I've spent in "azkaban". I've made few true friends besides the ones that were carried over from crescent. I'm seen as the scary Ice Bitch. I don't deny that, I will be sarcastic to you, it's my sense of humour. I will be snappy and crack wise comments if you deserve it. I'm straightforward and the truth hurts. Usually I cap it, I don't dish out anything you don't deserve or that I know you can't handle. So go ahead, you want to be hypocritical go ahead. I've learnt that doesn't end well for me so I'm not even going to pretend anymore. If I have something to say there's a 90% chance you'll be hearing it.
I guess there isn't much to miss. I'll miss KI the most I think. It's most refreshing thing I've done in all my years in Singapore. It's something that I'm going to continue. I'll continue reading philosophy and doing critical thinking. Now that the stress and pressure from having to do it in a time limit is gone it should be much more enjoyable.
I was officially distracted by my "school=azkaban" thought and posted on facebook then got distracted by facebook, then twitter...heh.
so there goes my self confessional mode.
Anyway, there seems to be enough material in this one post so it's just going to go up up up in the internet feed. I don't think I have to lock it. You people(besides the ones I told) are probably clueless as to who I'm talking about.
That's all,
Isabel.