walks in the rain
A post, before I shut down my computer, before I pack it into the Washington van to move to Cleveland.
wrote this a few days ago:
who are you?
what are you called,
you over there?
are you a student,
do you learn?
are you engaged,
do you love?
are you in control,
on track;
are you ok?
do you know
what you are?
do you have a plan,
do you know
what you want
to be?
do you know
where you’re going?
do you even know
where you’ve been?
who are you,
you over there,
across the mirror
from me?
I have an answer, i think.
UB has made me who I am. The professors, people I met, friends I made and kept, some I made and lost to some extent - you have shaped me beyond your own estimation, I'm sure. I am...I just... thanks.
I walked back to my apartment from a graduation ceremony today, and it was raining. Not pouring, not sprinkling, just raining. And I walked inside for a while, thinking about how I wouldn't ever walk the connected spine again in that capacity. I turned into Fronczak Hall from NSC, and took the stairs to the roof; I found the door ajar. I stepped out, after a moment's indecision, and stood in the rain, looking out across the tops of the buildings I know so well, thinking about those things I'm giving up. Thinking about the awesome - in the original sense of the word - choice I've made.
All my life, events have been more or less predetermined. I went to school, and did well, because I was supposed to. I graduated top in my class, because I was supposed to. I went to college, because I was supposed to, and because I like science so much, I major in physics, because that's just the way it's supposed to be. I make a choice about a college, yes, and I'm more glad than I can say that I made the choice I did. For a multiplicity of reasons. But, still, it was a choice between colleges, because I knew I was supposed to make a choice, because I was supposed to go.
My moving to Cleveland, marrying Karyn, that wasn't 'supposed' to happen, in the same sense. For what may be the first time in my life, I'm taking an active role. I'm choosing my path. I transfer, at quite possibly the worst possible time, because I feel there is more opportunity somewhere else, even though it means giving up what I strove so hard in high school for - the scholarship. Even though it might mean paying when I ordinarily wouldn't have to. I'm choosing something that wouldn't necessarily 'have to' happen, not like high school or college-in-general had to.
I turned from the roof, and walked back down the stairs, closing the door behind me. On the way back to Hadley, even though I was still thinking about those things I would miss, by the time I got to my apartment, I was smiling.
No, I don't know if this is what's right for me, what's right for Karyn and I. I don't have a guarantee on this, like I did with so many other aspects of my life. I think, overall, I'm ok with that. I'm going to try it, and make me me, make me who I feel I should be. I don't know for sure the complete me, but I have ideas, and I'm going to act on them. I'm going to make something of me, not just be something. I feel like I've accomplished something, here. I feel like I've stepped out of my comfort zones, that I've grown up a little, perhaps.
I have all of you to thank.
I will most certainly be in touch -
::tips his hat::
wrote this a few days ago:
who are you?
what are you called,
you over there?
are you a student,
do you learn?
are you engaged,
do you love?
are you in control,
on track;
are you ok?
do you know
what you are?
do you have a plan,
do you know
what you want
to be?
do you know
where you’re going?
do you even know
where you’ve been?
who are you,
you over there,
across the mirror
from me?
I have an answer, i think.
UB has made me who I am. The professors, people I met, friends I made and kept, some I made and lost to some extent - you have shaped me beyond your own estimation, I'm sure. I am...I just... thanks.
I walked back to my apartment from a graduation ceremony today, and it was raining. Not pouring, not sprinkling, just raining. And I walked inside for a while, thinking about how I wouldn't ever walk the connected spine again in that capacity. I turned into Fronczak Hall from NSC, and took the stairs to the roof; I found the door ajar. I stepped out, after a moment's indecision, and stood in the rain, looking out across the tops of the buildings I know so well, thinking about those things I'm giving up. Thinking about the awesome - in the original sense of the word - choice I've made.
All my life, events have been more or less predetermined. I went to school, and did well, because I was supposed to. I graduated top in my class, because I was supposed to. I went to college, because I was supposed to, and because I like science so much, I major in physics, because that's just the way it's supposed to be. I make a choice about a college, yes, and I'm more glad than I can say that I made the choice I did. For a multiplicity of reasons. But, still, it was a choice between colleges, because I knew I was supposed to make a choice, because I was supposed to go.
My moving to Cleveland, marrying Karyn, that wasn't 'supposed' to happen, in the same sense. For what may be the first time in my life, I'm taking an active role. I'm choosing my path. I transfer, at quite possibly the worst possible time, because I feel there is more opportunity somewhere else, even though it means giving up what I strove so hard in high school for - the scholarship. Even though it might mean paying when I ordinarily wouldn't have to. I'm choosing something that wouldn't necessarily 'have to' happen, not like high school or college-in-general had to.
I turned from the roof, and walked back down the stairs, closing the door behind me. On the way back to Hadley, even though I was still thinking about those things I would miss, by the time I got to my apartment, I was smiling.
No, I don't know if this is what's right for me, what's right for Karyn and I. I don't have a guarantee on this, like I did with so many other aspects of my life. I think, overall, I'm ok with that. I'm going to try it, and make me me, make me who I feel I should be. I don't know for sure the complete me, but I have ideas, and I'm going to act on them. I'm going to make something of me, not just be something. I feel like I've accomplished something, here. I feel like I've stepped out of my comfort zones, that I've grown up a little, perhaps.
I have all of you to thank.
I will most certainly be in touch -
::tips his hat::