Emo diary of emo-ness
It looks like everyone is gone from LJ. I believe facebook, Twitter and Reddit are now the "cool" places to be. I am not a great lover of Reddit, although I enjoy the humour and the size of the communities, but it does not feel like a place where one is allowed to honestly discuss things at all. The ability of people to down-vote your opinion, combined with a lot of stereotypes and witch-hunts make it a bit of a creepy place at times.
I think it would be fun to revive my LJ. I originally wrote it for mum and mum is now dead. I also wrote it for my friends for a while, but the friends have long left LJ. So now I can write it for me. I used to feel like I always had to put a certain spin on things for my "audience". I don't need to do that anymore, which is quite fun. Even my private diary feels as if it should always end on a positive, constructive note - mainly because my counsellor told me to write it. It seems more like a mood exercise, than recounting how I feel halve of the time. This shall be just for me, where I can be as negative as I want to. I shan't mind if I sound like an emo teenager or slightly pathetic. I am just writing for me. I quite like that idea.
So, how am I feeling? Today, I want to die. It is the first day in over a week of feeling suicidal again and lord does it suck. I just want to leave. Nothing inspires me, nothing makes me smile. The thought of food vaguely sounds promising, but mainly because it will give me a slight high - and I am trying to get away from that. Not happy. Especially as I told the doctor only yesterday how much better I was doing. Garry is going on my nerves, as I need some me time and he struggles with the concept. He feels like I should be able to just "cheer up" or "be cheered up", when I feel such a level of grump and grouch that just talking to me is going to set me off. If someone gave me pills, I would take them.
I have no idea if that is my depression or just me. It might just be me to be fair. No idea. I have never been without depression, so I don't know what the normal me is. But then is it normal to feel that you are not allowed to write your private journal for yourself? May be I just don't do normal.
I think it would be fun to revive my LJ. I originally wrote it for mum and mum is now dead. I also wrote it for my friends for a while, but the friends have long left LJ. So now I can write it for me. I used to feel like I always had to put a certain spin on things for my "audience". I don't need to do that anymore, which is quite fun. Even my private diary feels as if it should always end on a positive, constructive note - mainly because my counsellor told me to write it. It seems more like a mood exercise, than recounting how I feel halve of the time. This shall be just for me, where I can be as negative as I want to. I shan't mind if I sound like an emo teenager or slightly pathetic. I am just writing for me. I quite like that idea.
So, how am I feeling? Today, I want to die. It is the first day in over a week of feeling suicidal again and lord does it suck. I just want to leave. Nothing inspires me, nothing makes me smile. The thought of food vaguely sounds promising, but mainly because it will give me a slight high - and I am trying to get away from that. Not happy. Especially as I told the doctor only yesterday how much better I was doing. Garry is going on my nerves, as I need some me time and he struggles with the concept. He feels like I should be able to just "cheer up" or "be cheered up", when I feel such a level of grump and grouch that just talking to me is going to set me off. If someone gave me pills, I would take them.
I have no idea if that is my depression or just me. It might just be me to be fair. No idea. I have never been without depression, so I don't know what the normal me is. But then is it normal to feel that you are not allowed to write your private journal for yourself? May be I just don't do normal.