The cycle
I haven't updated in forever (well, an actual update) so I'll write a book to make up for it.
Interesting thing about cycles, no matter how much you hate them, you need them to be well you.
So yeah, haven't had my "friend" for a while. I mean, I wasn't nervous, I couldn't possibly be pregnant (unless I'm pulling a Mary or something..)But still, if it didn't get sorted out, I would have most likely had to go to the wonderful gyno's office, and that is no fun...especially since I would have most likely been forced into that stupid HPV shot...
Throughout my life I've always had little weird phobias, they come and go. They either caused me a lot of anxiety or disgust me. I consider both a phobia because it's the same sort of feeling..just something I reckognise in myself.
When I was younger, a man's chest (no muscles or too much muscles..hairy..it just grossed me out)
then there was heights, then there was spiders..
I'm over all of that..
Now it's spitting and the one thing that has always been there...needles. It's weird, I can get pierced, that doesn't bother me...but a freakin needle...I know it won't hurt but it disgusts me and causes so much anxiety that it really isn't worth it...I'll seriously shake and just have this reaction to it that is so out of my control...it bothers me soo much.
But anyway, That's probably my problem in the first place. I work so hard to control, to keep the peace, to keep the calmness. I've managed to control my emotions with the exceptions of a few things..
Animals..I don't know why, it's a fucking hot button for me.
Phobias...the one's listed above, I seriously lose control..
And when I get my "friend"..all my emotions just poor out. Granted, I seem to have a ton more. I'm so moody, and it just flows, and it's just weird. It's the one time of the month where I can't control it..and maybe it's good for me..
Earlier I was cold (It's 80 degrees outside, that should have been a sign..) and then I got cramps..and then it starts..
So today, Laura (who also had it...we should not communicate when we've both got it..the bitchiness just escapades...) So we are playing scrabble. And at first I'm frusterated because I can't come up with words when all of my fucking letters are the same, and of course I'm stubborn as fuck (per usual..even without my friend) so I'm not switching in my fucking letters. Then I put down a word, Laura doensn't think it's an actual word, get's all pissy over a letter. I get offended because she doesn't believe me/ in my mind think I could know a word that she doesn't know (remember, I'm near psychotic, and extra sensitive) then we both proceed to have shouting match/tempertantrum, because she doesn't believe me (for her own list of emotions I'm sure) and because I'm frusterated and offended, and then I just say fuck this and put the shit away, I'm fully ready to leave, then I don't want to leave because I want to play guitar hero. Then after guitar hero (during a bit) I feel ashamed of my little outburst. So I apologise, and then I get offended because Laura doesn't apologise, because she was also immature. And then I felt really happy for some unexplicable reason..
So yeah, that's why I try and control my emotions..I'm a sensitive person, extremely. I don't want to get hurt, I don't want to start shit, I just want to keep the peace and the calm, and I think it's very primitive to act on emotions..I have bringing up animals because it will get me started, and I won't think rationally and I can't help it..because I care too much. The Phobias..it's all control. I have no control with my emotions, and how I act with my period. If I take shit out on you, consider it a compliment..because I only do that to people I trust. I wouldn't get pissy with someone I thought couldn't handle it, or that our relationship couldn't last it. I do have that much control. (I'll still feel the same things..just take it out on the next person I can find who I do trust)
And now for the other..never ending cycle in my life..
"The definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results." -AE
It's happening again. There's a new one at Uconn. I fucking attract them. And I go back in forth in my head..I care, but I don't want to care. I need to stay distant, I need to take care of myself and not get involved, not take it upon myself to make this person better. I need to carry Kwiat around in my fucking bag or something around any fucking chick I meet so that I'll know when they are gonna go psycho on me..
I Fucking hate fucking emotions..
Interesting thing about cycles, no matter how much you hate them, you need them to be well you.
So yeah, haven't had my "friend" for a while. I mean, I wasn't nervous, I couldn't possibly be pregnant (unless I'm pulling a Mary or something..)But still, if it didn't get sorted out, I would have most likely had to go to the wonderful gyno's office, and that is no fun...especially since I would have most likely been forced into that stupid HPV shot...
Throughout my life I've always had little weird phobias, they come and go. They either caused me a lot of anxiety or disgust me. I consider both a phobia because it's the same sort of feeling..just something I reckognise in myself.
When I was younger, a man's chest (no muscles or too much muscles..hairy..it just grossed me out)
then there was heights, then there was spiders..
I'm over all of that..
Now it's spitting and the one thing that has always been there...needles. It's weird, I can get pierced, that doesn't bother me...but a freakin needle...I know it won't hurt but it disgusts me and causes so much anxiety that it really isn't worth it...I'll seriously shake and just have this reaction to it that is so out of my control...it bothers me soo much.
But anyway, That's probably my problem in the first place. I work so hard to control, to keep the peace, to keep the calmness. I've managed to control my emotions with the exceptions of a few things..
Animals..I don't know why, it's a fucking hot button for me.
Phobias...the one's listed above, I seriously lose control..
And when I get my "friend"..all my emotions just poor out. Granted, I seem to have a ton more. I'm so moody, and it just flows, and it's just weird. It's the one time of the month where I can't control it..and maybe it's good for me..
Earlier I was cold (It's 80 degrees outside, that should have been a sign..) and then I got cramps..and then it starts..
So today, Laura (who also had it...we should not communicate when we've both got it..the bitchiness just escapades...) So we are playing scrabble. And at first I'm frusterated because I can't come up with words when all of my fucking letters are the same, and of course I'm stubborn as fuck (per usual..even without my friend) so I'm not switching in my fucking letters. Then I put down a word, Laura doensn't think it's an actual word, get's all pissy over a letter. I get offended because she doesn't believe me/ in my mind think I could know a word that she doesn't know (remember, I'm near psychotic, and extra sensitive) then we both proceed to have shouting match/tempertantrum, because she doesn't believe me (for her own list of emotions I'm sure) and because I'm frusterated and offended, and then I just say fuck this and put the shit away, I'm fully ready to leave, then I don't want to leave because I want to play guitar hero. Then after guitar hero (during a bit) I feel ashamed of my little outburst. So I apologise, and then I get offended because Laura doesn't apologise, because she was also immature. And then I felt really happy for some unexplicable reason..
So yeah, that's why I try and control my emotions..I'm a sensitive person, extremely. I don't want to get hurt, I don't want to start shit, I just want to keep the peace and the calm, and I think it's very primitive to act on emotions..I have bringing up animals because it will get me started, and I won't think rationally and I can't help it..because I care too much. The Phobias..it's all control. I have no control with my emotions, and how I act with my period. If I take shit out on you, consider it a compliment..because I only do that to people I trust. I wouldn't get pissy with someone I thought couldn't handle it, or that our relationship couldn't last it. I do have that much control. (I'll still feel the same things..just take it out on the next person I can find who I do trust)
And now for the other..never ending cycle in my life..
"The definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results." -AE
It's happening again. There's a new one at Uconn. I fucking attract them. And I go back in forth in my head..I care, but I don't want to care. I need to stay distant, I need to take care of myself and not get involved, not take it upon myself to make this person better. I need to carry Kwiat around in my fucking bag or something around any fucking chick I meet so that I'll know when they are gonna go psycho on me..
I Fucking hate fucking emotions..