(no subject)
i think dating erik acted as a shield to what i really felt about things, and now that he's no longer here, it's blatently obvious that i never got over bill, that i want him back, and i don't know how/if he'll ever want me back. i wish there was a painless way to just tell him how i feel without the pressure of losing him as a friend even if he doesn't feel the same way. he's the one i want, the one that makes me smile the most.. too many fond memories have him in them. it almost makes me cry again. maybe it'll just suffice to pour my heart out on the lj instead of to him b/c that would save face and not let me get rejected again. but... we belong together. i still remember our first kiss with crystal clarity. it was fantastic. and the first time he said he loved me... that was honestly one of the happiest nights of my life. maybe one day we'll get back to that time and make things right. i love him now. and dont think i'll ever be able to stop.