(no subject)
i decided to stay home today. i think it was a pretty good choice, not gonna lie...
last night was a really rough night.
i couldn't concentrate on my homework at all. i sat there reading, and could only think of other things. i had the gross nauseous/nervous feeling. i think i might have given myself a fever.
i kept falling asleep reading walden, so there was no use. i decided to just go to sleep, and wake up around 5 so i could finish it.
i also hadn't even looked at any of my notes for the 30/20 that i was supposed to take today.
so i fell asleep, only, i kept waking up i think. because i remember being annoyed that i wasn't sleeping well enough.
i woke up at 4:25 because i heard a really gross noise.
(this is really disgusting, but to kristen and others, somewhat amusing...)
lola was shitting all over my blow up chair. and not normal shit, either. diarrhea, of course... you would think i'd be somewhat used to dealing with this because of work.
but not at fucking 4:30 in the morning, and NOT in my own god damn room...
it literally got...everywhere. but i'll spare you the details.
but here i am, awake at 4:30, trying to clean up the disgusting mess. and of course, having felt already sick, only felt even worse...
and on a side note, it also makes me really nervous that she might be seriously sick. we already knew over the summer that there was something wrong, and they said she had worms and she was gonna get meds for it but...she hasn't been looking or acting much better so i really have no idea what's going on with that...
yeah.
so basically i clean up as much as i can stomach for that hour of the morning, spray some air freshener, and got back to reading. i was up for a little over an hour trying to read and i think read about 3 pages because i kept getting distracted and closing my eyes for moments at a time since my body was trying to go back to sleep...
i gave up around 5:45 and decided to sleep for a least a little while longer before i went to school.
i hadn't finished reading, or finished all of the "voice lessons" packet, or studied at all for the 30/20.
i "woke up" (not that i had really fallen to sleep) at 6 because lola was back in my room and made a weird noise. so i freaked out and threw her out of my room.
went back to bed, and got up at 6:30 to go to school. my mom asked me what happened and i told her, and she asked me if i wanted to stay home, but then didn't seem all too thrilled when i said i would. so i told her i would just go to school. i got dressed really quickly and left. i think i got there around 6:55, sometime really early cause the traffic guy wasn't even there yet. i went to the nook, and dropped my stuff...
walked by the auditorium and opened the door a little to see if anyone was in there playing the piano today. can't say i would have really known what to do if there was, but there wasn't. so i went back to the nook and took out the homework i didn't finish.
i felt like shit. i couldn't concentrate, once again, and decided i should have just stayed home. there was no way i could have finished all of my english homework in a half hour.
when kristen got there, i told her what happened-ish. and somehow decided that i was just gonna leave school.
so i did.
i picked up my stuff, went out to my car, and left.
(almost hit vicky on the way out)
i called my mom from the parking lot and told her i was coming home, and she called me out sick while i was on my way home.
so i came home and went back to bed.
and now here i am...
and now i don't really know what i'm doing.
generally i would go into a big rant of how i'm stupid, i made a dumb mistake, and go on to tear my own actions apart.
which is sort of what i'm doing in my head anyway.
but it probably won't get me far.
so this leaves me here having to make yet another decision.
and of course i'm horrible at making decisions, in the first place.
but i don't know what i'm supposed to conclude.
because if i take one choice, everything can go back to "normal" but i think i'll be left wondering what could have been otherwise. i don't know how essentially "happy" i am the way things are right now. it's a shitty situation, and probably shouldn't have been dragged past the summer.
but if i go for the other choice, i don't know what i can really get out of it. i've already dug my own grave, and don't know if there's really a way to get out of it.
but either way...if i'm not happy in choice 1, i should get out of it anyway, right?
i don't know what the hell i'm doing.
this is just mindless rambling, it seems.
don't pay much attention to it.
i have to go read. and study. and do all the homework that i should have had done for today... =/
last night was a really rough night.
i couldn't concentrate on my homework at all. i sat there reading, and could only think of other things. i had the gross nauseous/nervous feeling. i think i might have given myself a fever.
i kept falling asleep reading walden, so there was no use. i decided to just go to sleep, and wake up around 5 so i could finish it.
i also hadn't even looked at any of my notes for the 30/20 that i was supposed to take today.
so i fell asleep, only, i kept waking up i think. because i remember being annoyed that i wasn't sleeping well enough.
i woke up at 4:25 because i heard a really gross noise.
(this is really disgusting, but to kristen and others, somewhat amusing...)
lola was shitting all over my blow up chair. and not normal shit, either. diarrhea, of course... you would think i'd be somewhat used to dealing with this because of work.
but not at fucking 4:30 in the morning, and NOT in my own god damn room...
it literally got...everywhere. but i'll spare you the details.
but here i am, awake at 4:30, trying to clean up the disgusting mess. and of course, having felt already sick, only felt even worse...
and on a side note, it also makes me really nervous that she might be seriously sick. we already knew over the summer that there was something wrong, and they said she had worms and she was gonna get meds for it but...she hasn't been looking or acting much better so i really have no idea what's going on with that...
yeah.
so basically i clean up as much as i can stomach for that hour of the morning, spray some air freshener, and got back to reading. i was up for a little over an hour trying to read and i think read about 3 pages because i kept getting distracted and closing my eyes for moments at a time since my body was trying to go back to sleep...
i gave up around 5:45 and decided to sleep for a least a little while longer before i went to school.
i hadn't finished reading, or finished all of the "voice lessons" packet, or studied at all for the 30/20.
i "woke up" (not that i had really fallen to sleep) at 6 because lola was back in my room and made a weird noise. so i freaked out and threw her out of my room.
went back to bed, and got up at 6:30 to go to school. my mom asked me what happened and i told her, and she asked me if i wanted to stay home, but then didn't seem all too thrilled when i said i would. so i told her i would just go to school. i got dressed really quickly and left. i think i got there around 6:55, sometime really early cause the traffic guy wasn't even there yet. i went to the nook, and dropped my stuff...
walked by the auditorium and opened the door a little to see if anyone was in there playing the piano today. can't say i would have really known what to do if there was, but there wasn't. so i went back to the nook and took out the homework i didn't finish.
i felt like shit. i couldn't concentrate, once again, and decided i should have just stayed home. there was no way i could have finished all of my english homework in a half hour.
when kristen got there, i told her what happened-ish. and somehow decided that i was just gonna leave school.
so i did.
i picked up my stuff, went out to my car, and left.
(almost hit vicky on the way out)
i called my mom from the parking lot and told her i was coming home, and she called me out sick while i was on my way home.
so i came home and went back to bed.
and now here i am...
and now i don't really know what i'm doing.
generally i would go into a big rant of how i'm stupid, i made a dumb mistake, and go on to tear my own actions apart.
which is sort of what i'm doing in my head anyway.
but it probably won't get me far.
so this leaves me here having to make yet another decision.
and of course i'm horrible at making decisions, in the first place.
but i don't know what i'm supposed to conclude.
because if i take one choice, everything can go back to "normal" but i think i'll be left wondering what could have been otherwise. i don't know how essentially "happy" i am the way things are right now. it's a shitty situation, and probably shouldn't have been dragged past the summer.
but if i go for the other choice, i don't know what i can really get out of it. i've already dug my own grave, and don't know if there's really a way to get out of it.
but either way...if i'm not happy in choice 1, i should get out of it anyway, right?
i don't know what the hell i'm doing.
this is just mindless rambling, it seems.
don't pay much attention to it.
i have to go read. and study. and do all the homework that i should have had done for today... =/