used...hurt?
so i am pretty much feeling quite used at the moment.
yes, i have a boyfriend. yes, i have loving friends and family. no reason to complain, right? wrong.
honestly, i feel as if he only "likes" me because of how i am in bed. or something along those lines. as if he isnt interested in getting to know who i actually am. sometimes i feel as if i will never measure up to his girlfriend of 4 years and that i am always being compared to her in his mind. like i'll never be good enough and that this isn't going to last. and then there is the part of me that has totally fallen for him. that is willing to do anything for him, and wants him in her life. but for some reason he seems reluctant to let me into his? he doesn't initiate me meeting his friends or anything, im left out of a lot of plans. we hang out when it is convenient for him...and we do what he wants to do. i just hate people being mad at me...does that make me a bad person? honestly, i have the most mixed up feelings...and i just don't know what to do with myself. i hate it when he swears at me...he did it again tonight...the only guy who has ever sworn at me was my dad...and we all know how he was when i was younger (now too.) but Brian swore at me and i cried like madd. i dont know why but it actually bothers me a lot..in a joking sense or not...i want to talk to him about how i feel but i don't want to get him mad. it's like he want a girlfriend just to say that he has one...except that im not allowed anywhere near his life. yes, i understand that he had one before i came along and duh! i respect that. but to leave me out of it? not cool. im all into meeting the family and getting to know the people he's friends with...but he doesnt want me to...and it saddens me...sure he can be private, like im not a cop or anything...but just some recognition that i matter in the slightest? i know that it's unrealistic to look ahead and be like, well we are going to be together forever...ive learned my lesson from that. but i do want to know that our relationship can and is going somewhere. i dont want to be wasting my time. i hate that.
that is all from me for tonight...any advice? no cliches please, plain ol'suggestions are just dandy. thanks.