my heart is heavy.. and my head is tired..
This past week, my head has been spinning in so many different directions it is crazy.. I keep pretending that this month is not september. I was talking to pj tonight which made me feel a little better, but it stil hurts. I really just want all of this pain to go away.. I dont want to miss him. I dont want to long for him, for his voice, or his hugs.. I can't help it though.. There is a piece of my heart that is missing that i will never get back. I want to be able to tell him about everything that has happened to me over the past year, how much i have grown, how much i have changed.. How things in my family are going. I want him to be able to give me advice. I want him to be able to look at the guys im dating and tell me what he thinks. I want them to have to pass the "big brother" test. I miss everythign. I miss how when I would cry he would sweep me up in the biggest bear hug until i couldn't breath, or started to laugh.. I miss him lecturing me about my life, and how he wants me to be better than he was. How he wants me to be all that i can be and never fall short. I miss the looks that he would give me when i said something dumb, and even the little fights that we would get into over the bathroom.. who knew you could fight over a bathroom with a brother. I miss having someone there that knew everything about me, and stood by my side anyway.. dont get me wrong, my frineds do a lot of this for me, but it was different with him.. He was/is my big brother. I have felt really alone lately. I know that I have people on my side, but I have put myself into this world.. I think it is easier to sit back and watch everything happening than to actually take part in it.. If i pull myself out of the real world and into my world, i can't get hurt. I cant feel this pain again.. I dont ever want to feel this pain again.. I want to make it go away so bad.. On a different note, things with me and my friends are going okay. I do love them and i dont know if they realize how much them just sitting around means to me. I like hanging out with jeromey. when I hang out with him, i forget about all the drama, and the pain and everythign. it is just a really cool how i can talk to him and forget about all that and laugh. I think that laughter will be my medicine to get me through all of this.. I am strong, and he taught me that.. I will be okay, i just feel like this past week i have taken like 3 steps backward and have no clue why. I guess it is all a game of give and take..