Back to front
I have some serious updating to do, because I'm about to pull something that'll leave everyone all "wait... what?!"
Let's start with that, shall we?
I'm going to the States next month. I'm going to see about a guy. Yes: Ron. THE guy.
I'm so excited about this I could just scream!! I'm also nervous and terrified but mostly, I'm really, really happy!
I just decided this tonight. I called him to gauge his reaction, and he was all for it.
I cannot shake this guy out of my head. Believe me, I've tried. There's been lots of crying and lots of drinking and lots of hurting, and still he's there, holding my heart. Maybe I'm spending my money crossing the Atlantic to find out it was all a fantasy and in a way, I kind of hope so because the alternative is so incredibly complicated it breaks my brain. But I gotta know. I gotta take this chance and bang my head against this wall some more.
So. Last time I left off I was leaving for a romantic weekend with the other guy. I came home last Sunday and I haven't really been inclined to say much about the weekend. Like everything else with him, it was entirely pleasant. Of course, being me, I was ready to kill him when Sunday rolled around. He's sweet, he's perfect, he's normal and nice, and I! Am! Bored! That's the crux of it. He's on vacation with his family this week, and sending me tons of texts that I can barely be bothered to answer. I am never gonna love this guy, unfair as it is.
So are my travel plans a reaction to my decision to end it with this guy? Or are they the reason I'm ending it with him? To me, these things don't feel related. Pocket psychiatrists might disagree with me, and they're welcome to it. I just gotta know. That's all it is for me.
I've officially lost my mind. And it feels GREAT!