(no subject)
sometimes when i see a picture of CJ i am filled with sadness and anger. in all parts of my life i am able to avoid the things that i feel until i see a picture of HIM. the way he was the way he used to be. it is so hard to picture him alive. it's like torture to imagine him here living his life and enjoying every aspect of it the way he used to. oh god when i think of him gone unable to live out the rest of his dreams it absolutely shreds my soul to pieces. i think how beautiful his wedding would be and wish it was his marriage to me. i imagine what a great father he would be and it tears me up inside. it breaks my heart that he can never experience the things i swear he'd be so good at. when i see his picture it breaks me down inside. it makes me feel like i shouldn't be here at all. if he can't live and enjoy this all why should i? the image of his face breaks my spirit and my heart all over again. i still can't breathe when i think of how life used to be. i love him.