(no subject)
you know what never goes away? the overwhelming feeling that everything in your life goes wrong because that person is gone. i know it makes no sense and it's not his fault but i blame all my heartache on CJ being gone. it's something that never leaves you, something you never forget and it becomes an easy out for your sadness. every SINGLE time i cry i find someway to blame it on CJ being dead. and i dont even know if that is fair but it's my weakness. i relate every unhappiness to his death. i dont have a job its cus CJ died, i dont have a bf its cus CJ died, i dont have a best friend its cus CJ died... i dont mean to.. it just happens that way my mind functions that way. i hate myself for it. STOP BLAMING HIM.. HE DIDNT DO IT ON PURPOSE and he did not bring you this sadness... but i cant help but think that if CJ was here i would have someone to lean on, someone to make me smile, someone to help me get through it all.. instead of feeling like no one gets it. you know why? .. .because NO ONE GETS IT. they can try and they can want to but NO ONE GETS it! no one knows what its like to compare every human being to the one you love, the one that is gone. it's unfair. it's unhealthy. it's unreal... but it happens. and i'm alone, because no one gets it. and i try so hard to just breathe through these times but it's so damn hard bcus all i want to do is call CJ up and say help me god damnit help me be ok. why did you leave and why did you suck the life out of me?!?! it makes me angry at you. and i feel guilty for being angry because you died. you paid the ultimate price.... but so did i. at least in my eyes. you were the ultimate price... my everything.