IDEK 2.0
The decision is mostly made up. For the longest time, I've thought that I'd be so forlorn if I miss a day of being online, being in chat, talking about random and silly things with people I've now known for more than a year. However, I've had a run recently and it wasn't all that bad. For one, I had more brain cells for writing and reading. Against my wishes, I've been without internet service at home for a bloody fortnight or so now, and just this last week, I've not even gone online for a single second because I also missed work due to respiratory problems and flu. I've been living with "what I don't know won't hurt me" as one of my guidelines but it hardly applies when I notice every little thing. Every. Little. Thing. It barely matters if how I interpret things is not how it was meant to be interpreted. What matters to me is how things make me feel. Emotions aren't something I'm familiar with. But once again, I'm left feeling slighted (and from hereon, I might be talking about more than one thing >__>). Is my existence really that unnoticeable? Is it really that easy to disregard me? I know that of all people I am one to whine about this because the people I count as important to me and worthy of my attention are just a handful (and even then, the 'spot' is still indefinite) but then again, there might not be a more self-centered and possessive person than me. I can be equally detached, though, and more often than not, this is how I go on about because attachment hurts. Disappointment stings. Being neglected is unbearable. Sometimes I forget, sometimes I willingly risk myself because I'm distracted with the fun, but I hope I've learned enough that the chances of it happening in the future would be slimmer. If only it were that easy to just drop and forget everything, Nezumi. But I'm like a sponge, I absorb everything that comes my way. However much I wring myself of them, there's still, however minute, some that get left behind. And those things eat me up. But that doesn't mean I won't try. I'll try and try until I go back to the way I've been before I first went out of my fort last year. It's definitely doable. It'll only take a little bit more time. I can't wait.