"O tina, ba't yata hindi ka madaldal ngayon?"
Practically everyone I know :“tina, ok ka lang? Parang malungkot ka.may problema ka ba?”
Me: “ hindi ako malungkot..ok lang ako…”
That’s how it was the whole day I was in school.
I’m such a bad actor when it comes to hiding how I feel.( it’s so annoying…am I really that transparent?) So whenever people sense that something’s bothering me, being the good friends that they are, they ask me what’s wrong. Most of the time I tell them that I’m ok, and that everything’s fine. I lie about it, not because I want them to bug off, but because I’m such a crybaby. The moment I tell someone what’s bothering me, I’d be crying my eyes out in a few seconds.
But it wasn’t like that yesterday. Sure, I was unusually quiet and was spacing out most of the time. But when I said I wasn’t sad, I meant it. You see, before I left the house for school yesterday, my mom told me that our not-quite-family friend died. Let me explain the not-quite-family friend part. He’s like a family friend to us, but only my dad & I know him.
My dad likes bringing me to parties & concerts sponsored by their company. All of which, end at ungodly hours. Most of the time, if not always, he tells me only a few hours before the event itself, so I don’t get to ask a friend to accompany me. So it’s like this: My dad goes off with his officemates & do business talk to people the whole night. I, on the other hand, go solo. Mon, our not-so-family friend, was my dad’s officemate. He’d see me by myself, and would keep me company. We’d talk the whole night about stuff, my dad being at the top of the list. Although I’m really close to my dad, I don’t get to see him most of the time because of his work. So whenever he tells me things about my dad, it’s like I’m seeing my dad from a different angle, getting to know him all over again. And when he died, I lost a friend. But it felt more like I lost a part of my dad.
I wasn’t sad in a grieving kinda way. Nor was it a painful feeling of loss that immobilizes you to function the way you normally do. But I felt something. Something unfamiliar, to which I can’t describe to myself, much less put into words.
You know that cheesy line about not knowing how to put your feelings into words? That’s exactly how I feel. And maybe, partly why I’m apprehensive to tell my friends about my problems. Sure I tell them about how annoying so and so is, or how crappy the day was. But when it comes to certain things, I find it hard to do so.
It’s funny in a weird, sad way how I can talk about anything and everything under the sun, yet keep so many things to myself. It’s like I could go on and on about trivial stuff, but I can’t seem to put into words what I’m really thinking of.
Parang ang bilis bilis kasi ng mundo. Parang wala kang panahon para isipin kung ano talaga nararamdaman mo, o ikwento kung anu man iyon. Pag tinanong ka kung ok ka lang, kelangan yung sagot mo, oo lang o hindi. Kung hindi, ang tanging eksplenasyon mo lang dun ay dahil malungkot, galit, pagod at kung ano pa man. Baka kasi pag sinabi mo kung ano talaga ang iniisip o nararamdaman mo, baka wala silang oras. Baka maguluhan lang sila, kasi alam mong sa sarili mo, hindi mo rin iyon naiintindihan.
Hay, Malabo talaga akong tao.
Me: “ hindi ako malungkot..ok lang ako…”
That’s how it was the whole day I was in school.
I’m such a bad actor when it comes to hiding how I feel.( it’s so annoying…am I really that transparent?) So whenever people sense that something’s bothering me, being the good friends that they are, they ask me what’s wrong. Most of the time I tell them that I’m ok, and that everything’s fine. I lie about it, not because I want them to bug off, but because I’m such a crybaby. The moment I tell someone what’s bothering me, I’d be crying my eyes out in a few seconds.
But it wasn’t like that yesterday. Sure, I was unusually quiet and was spacing out most of the time. But when I said I wasn’t sad, I meant it. You see, before I left the house for school yesterday, my mom told me that our not-quite-family friend died. Let me explain the not-quite-family friend part. He’s like a family friend to us, but only my dad & I know him.
My dad likes bringing me to parties & concerts sponsored by their company. All of which, end at ungodly hours. Most of the time, if not always, he tells me only a few hours before the event itself, so I don’t get to ask a friend to accompany me. So it’s like this: My dad goes off with his officemates & do business talk to people the whole night. I, on the other hand, go solo. Mon, our not-so-family friend, was my dad’s officemate. He’d see me by myself, and would keep me company. We’d talk the whole night about stuff, my dad being at the top of the list. Although I’m really close to my dad, I don’t get to see him most of the time because of his work. So whenever he tells me things about my dad, it’s like I’m seeing my dad from a different angle, getting to know him all over again. And when he died, I lost a friend. But it felt more like I lost a part of my dad.
I wasn’t sad in a grieving kinda way. Nor was it a painful feeling of loss that immobilizes you to function the way you normally do. But I felt something. Something unfamiliar, to which I can’t describe to myself, much less put into words.
You know that cheesy line about not knowing how to put your feelings into words? That’s exactly how I feel. And maybe, partly why I’m apprehensive to tell my friends about my problems. Sure I tell them about how annoying so and so is, or how crappy the day was. But when it comes to certain things, I find it hard to do so.
It’s funny in a weird, sad way how I can talk about anything and everything under the sun, yet keep so many things to myself. It’s like I could go on and on about trivial stuff, but I can’t seem to put into words what I’m really thinking of.
Parang ang bilis bilis kasi ng mundo. Parang wala kang panahon para isipin kung ano talaga nararamdaman mo, o ikwento kung anu man iyon. Pag tinanong ka kung ok ka lang, kelangan yung sagot mo, oo lang o hindi. Kung hindi, ang tanging eksplenasyon mo lang dun ay dahil malungkot, galit, pagod at kung ano pa man. Baka kasi pag sinabi mo kung ano talaga ang iniisip o nararamdaman mo, baka wala silang oras. Baka maguluhan lang sila, kasi alam mong sa sarili mo, hindi mo rin iyon naiintindihan.
Hay, Malabo talaga akong tao.