It's My Birthday and I'll Cry If I Want To.
First off, let me say, I am not in any way looking for pity by posting this. I just wanted to write about how I am really feeling tonight, and this IS how I am really feeling...
I can't believe my birthday is here. I can't believe I'm thirty. I can't believe how incredibly crappy I feel about both of those things, and how badly I just want to ignore the arrival of both of them. I'm normally SUCH a birthday kinda gal! :)
But it has to be said, this is Not At All where I wanted to be at this stage of my life. A few months ago, I thought I finally had everything together for the first time ever. Now I'm so confused and overwhelmed and just... lost. No direction, no motivation, no solid ground beneath me, and everywhere I look I see problems and dead ends.
The other day, a friend of mine offered me a bottle of wine and I turned her down. I haven't touched a drop of alcohol in months, mainly because I'm afraid that in my depressed state, if I start drinking now, I won't stop. And I don't want to make my situation any worse.
But I'm trying to just put on my big girl panties and hold everything together. The eternal optimist in me always says, "No matter how bad it is today, it will be better tomorrow. The sun will always rise the next morning. The winter will always recede before spring." As far as I know, this is just another chapter in the unfolding saga of my life -- a sad, lonely, depressing chapter, but a chapter just the same. In other words, there is plenty more left to be written, and I can't tell from the middle of the book how this plot point will affect what is left to come.
Still, I am all alone on my birthday for the first time in my life (when I turned 19, my sorority sisters were with me all day on the only other birthday that I wasn't at home with my family), and I have no plans and nothing special to do to mark what is in my mind a rather momentous occasion. I am very ready to leave my twenties behind, but it feels like without some kind of rite of passage that I'm not really doing much leaving after all.
And all I can think is, I want my momma. I want someone to come along and fix this giant mess my life is suddenly in. I need to know, not just think, that soon things will be getting much better. 'Cause right now, I look around and all I see is darkness. Not even one single candle, on or off a cake.
But I guess when you get to a certain age, you have to light your own candles. Frankly, right now, I'd rather just have one giant (birthday) hug.
I can't believe my birthday is here. I can't believe I'm thirty. I can't believe how incredibly crappy I feel about both of those things, and how badly I just want to ignore the arrival of both of them. I'm normally SUCH a birthday kinda gal! :)
But it has to be said, this is Not At All where I wanted to be at this stage of my life. A few months ago, I thought I finally had everything together for the first time ever. Now I'm so confused and overwhelmed and just... lost. No direction, no motivation, no solid ground beneath me, and everywhere I look I see problems and dead ends.
The other day, a friend of mine offered me a bottle of wine and I turned her down. I haven't touched a drop of alcohol in months, mainly because I'm afraid that in my depressed state, if I start drinking now, I won't stop. And I don't want to make my situation any worse.
But I'm trying to just put on my big girl panties and hold everything together. The eternal optimist in me always says, "No matter how bad it is today, it will be better tomorrow. The sun will always rise the next morning. The winter will always recede before spring." As far as I know, this is just another chapter in the unfolding saga of my life -- a sad, lonely, depressing chapter, but a chapter just the same. In other words, there is plenty more left to be written, and I can't tell from the middle of the book how this plot point will affect what is left to come.
Still, I am all alone on my birthday for the first time in my life (when I turned 19, my sorority sisters were with me all day on the only other birthday that I wasn't at home with my family), and I have no plans and nothing special to do to mark what is in my mind a rather momentous occasion. I am very ready to leave my twenties behind, but it feels like without some kind of rite of passage that I'm not really doing much leaving after all.
And all I can think is, I want my momma. I want someone to come along and fix this giant mess my life is suddenly in. I need to know, not just think, that soon things will be getting much better. 'Cause right now, I look around and all I see is darkness. Not even one single candle, on or off a cake.
But I guess when you get to a certain age, you have to light your own candles. Frankly, right now, I'd rather just have one giant (birthday) hug.