Impressions-Twilight fanfic chapter 11
Title: Impressions
Rating: PG-13 (Language)
Summary: Bella is a single, shy, and timid writer. Edward is an engaged, charming, and handsome businessman. What do you get when Bella has to cover "Seattle's New Couple?"
Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer I own nothing.
Comments: AU, AH. I couldn't get this plot bunny out of my head. It demanded to be written.
Chapter 11
Edward's POV.
I walked through the door and flipped the light switch on. Walking to the kitchen I threw my keys on the countertop. I was going to the fridge to get a something to drink when I heard a loud SMACK! on the counter top. I whirled around. Tanya had smacked her hand on the counter. She wanted my attention.
"Where the hell have you been?" Tanya spat.
I cringed. I knew I was in trouble. Big trouble by the looks of it.
"Out." I said lamely. I couldn't tell Tanya where I was. That would be pre-marital suicide.
"And where is out?" she asked.
I stepped forward and tried to reach out for her hand or something but she backed away from me.
"Don't." she said fiercely. She sucked in a breath then let it out. "Where you with a woman?" she asked.
"No." was my automatic reply. I knew lying to her was wrong but what could I do?
"Then where were you?" she repeated.
"Walking around. I needed to clear my head." I replied.
She took a step towards me. "Bad day at work?"
"Yeah. You could say that."
"Edward you scared me. You're cell wasn't on and I thought we were going to meet here to go look at wedding venues?" she said trembling.
A long time ago, I promised myself that I would never hurt Tanya again. She deserved better from me. She put up with me; the good and the bad. She knew me and all my flaws. But I strifed to be a better person for her. I owed that much after the years of pain I had caused her. But now, it was as if I was having a relapse. I was hurting her without ever really hurting her. I was treading a very fine thin line; a line between Tanya and my new obsession, Bella. Bella intrigued me for reasons I can't even explain. After our first meeting she got stuck swimming around in my head. Although, I have never crossed the line with Bella I knew I was close. And both women deserved better.
What am I going to do?
Being the worthless piece of shit that I am, I lied. Again.
"There's just a lot going on. And I really needed to get a clear head. I just left and turned my cell off and walked. That was all. I'm sorry though, I totally forgot we were going out and, I'm sorry for worrying you." I said.
Tanya looked relieved but still a bit apprehensive.
"Edward do you want this wedding or not?" she whispered.
Did I want the wedding? Well yes and no.
Yes because, Tanya has waited this long. She was committed to me. She fucking put up with all my crap when others would have walked away. She took me as I am and even though it pained her sometimes, she loves me. I honestly think Tanya is the only woman capable of loving me. I mean, who else could? I was certain that I would find no other woman who could love me.
I suppose the reason why I didn't want to get married was because I didn't think I could make it work. Sure, I would try for Tanya's benefit but I know what I am and I don't know if marriage is something I could do forever. I promised I wouldn't hurt Tanya yet just moments ago I was close to breaking that promise. I was attracted to another woman. And not just any woman, no, this wasn't some hottie who I lusted after this was a good woman. A woman who was simple and normal and lovely.
The question remains, did I want the wedding?
"Why are you asking?" I had to be careful with my choice of words.
Tanya closed her eyes then opened then again. "I'm asking because to me it seems you don't. I'm asking you what you want. I thought you where done hurting me Edward. When you proposed and gave me the ring I thought FINALLY! He came to his senses and this is it. We're going to be together forever and he's mine. Only mine. But now... I don't know if this is what you really want. We're you even thinking when you asked me?"
I opened my mouth to respond but I couldn't formulate the words. I snapped it back shut.
Quiet and silence.
Tanya was crying now. Not heaving, but silent tears were coming down her face. I instantly felt guilty for causing her sadness. I didn't want to do this but this is all I'm capable of giving to her.
She knew my answer already. My silence said it all.
She wiped her tears away with the back of her hand. "I'm going to bed. Don't follow me."
I nodded. It was the guest room for me tonight.
The next morning was oddly calm. Tanya and I fell into our normal routine. The events of the previous night had so far been ignored. That is till she got ready to leave the apartment.
"Before I leave, I have something I need to say."
I turned to face. "Ok." I said.
She gave a tiny smile. Fake smile. "I think we should hold off planning the wedding."
"Tanya I..." I started to interrupt her. But she held her hand for silence. I nodded in defeat.
"Edward, I realize that trying to plan the wedding so soon is scaring you. I knew you asking me was a miracle but I thought if I pushed and planned it early then I would feel better about us. I thought you would stop and frankly I see it's ok to ease into marriage. We're engaged so let's enjoy this phase, ok? I also realize that your habits won't go away overnight so yes, I am willingly to look the other way. Just as I've always done. But please, Edward, please, don't walk away from me."
She astounded me. I blinked a couple time in comprehension. She was willing to let me screw around so long as in the end I married her. She really didn't care what the hell I did as long as we were married.
It was then that I realized that Tanya and I didn't love each other, at least not in the sense of being in love with each other. If we really we're in love then we would be marrying because of our love not because of whatever the hell it is that we are doing now.
Shit. Even I didn't know what we were doing. I knew we weren't in love. If I was in love with Tanya then I wouldn't be constantly hurting her. I would fully make a commitment to her and it would be easy for me if I loved her enough. But the truth was, I didn't love her enough to quit being what I am.
I had to say it. But not now. Not right here in the front hall. Not when we're about to head off to work. No, I needed to talk with her later tonight.
"We have a lot to talk about." I told her.
She nodded her head ruefully. "I know." she whispered.
"I'll see you tonight?" I asked.
"Yes. Tonight." she walked out the door.
After she left I called work and told them I'm taking the day off and to not expect me. If anything just forward everything to me at the apartment.
With my new free time I plopped myself down on the couch.
I sighed. When did things with Tanya get so screwed up? Had I always not loved her? Did I even care for her? Or was I just some sick bastard with a wandering eye?
I wanted to think I was a person. A good person with good intentions but I wasn't. A good person doesn't use others. A good person doesn't cheat on the one they love. A good person doesn't lie. I had to rectify my mistakes. I wasn't sure how but I knew I had to fix this before I screwed Tanya's and my life even more.
Yes, I did love her, but not in a romantic way. I wasn't in love with her. I didn't have the feeling of loss when she and I were apart. I didn't think I could live without her, because I knew I could. Gosh she deserved so much better.
I cared for her as I would care for any other person. I was nice to her. I did have fun with her, but nothing more than as friends perhaps. She and I didn't have that thing. I don't know what it is since I'm sure I've never had it, but you know how all those romantic movies and novels are? The couple in love always seems to have that thing, a spark so to speak. And they feel overwhelmingly indescribable. I don't get any of that with Tanya. And now I wonder if she gets any of that with me.
She made it clear she wants to get married. But for what reason? She seems so desperate. We really needed to talk. I knew what I wanted to tell her would hurt her but it would hurt her so much less if we got married....
I had to fix this. I had to get my shit together and "man up" in Emmett's eloquent words.
First, I had to speak with Tanya. She and I had to break this engagement off. We needed to touch base with each other. We both have things to say and we needed to be there to listen. Second, I had to tread very carefully with Bella. I've already admitted to myself that I'm attracted to her but I can't treat her like another one of those girls. She's different.
Last night when I went over to her apartment, I didn't really know what I was doing. All I knew is that I wanted to be around her. Her mere prescence was alluring and comforting.
When we sat down on her couch I could tell the wheels in her head were turning. She was no doubt wondering why I was there. I made point to try to talk to her. To get to know her, but if I was talkative then she would respond and then ask questions. I couldn't have that since I knew my answers would scare her.
"Are you Ok, Edward?" she asked.
Oh god. No I'm not OK. I'm drawn to you in ways I didn't think were possible. Ugh. Can't say that....
I cleared my throat. "Yes, I'm fine. Thank you for asking."
She looked at me. "Alright."
We were watching a movie on TNT. It was The Mummy, typical cable tv movie. Bella kept her attention on the screen and I kept my attention on Bella.... occasionally I would watch the television. Bella was wearing comfortable clothing. A pair of pink and grey seats. She had on black rimmed glasses. They were oddly cute.
The pizza was gone and Bella insisted on making ice cream sundaes. Oh my goodness, she is adorable.
I laughed and teased her by saying I haven't had one since I was a kid. She cocked her brow and said, "I feel really sorry for you. How could you without ice cream for so long?"
I sighed. "Kidding Bella. Just kidding." Hah I used her earlier words on her.
She blushed and mumbled, "I knew that."
We settled back on the couch. She handed me a bowl of ice cream and we resumed watching another movie on TNT. This time it was an Adam Sandler movie. When we were watching, I was very aware of Bella's body next to mine. We had a good distance between us but it wouldn't take a lot for either of us to close the gap.
I glanced at Bella after a funny bit in the movie. The way she laughed was endearing. She had a nice girly laugh but then sometimes she would just flat out combust and a little snort escaped. When that happened she would blush again. I shook my head, she really had no idea just how appealing she is.
I left before eleven. I had to get out of there before I did something we would both regret. I thanked her for letting me hang out with her and closed the door behind me.
I was glad Bella didn't ask questions. She didn't ask me why I had come to her. I tried to explain it to her. Well, more like, lie as I go along. But Bella stopped me from explaining. She told me that sometimes we just need a friend.
I grunted. A friend? Yeah that's all we can be for now, I thought.