Foe-ty!
Historically on Livejournal, anytime I’ve used the word “forty” it’s been referencing any variety of malt liquor I spent much of my misspent youth imbibing in large quantities.
But today, I am 40.
This is also the second crack at this entry I’ve made, the first one didn’t post for some reason, and I lost the entire thing. Second time is never as good, but I’ll give it a try.
I’m equal parts proud, excited and optimistic about today’s milestone. I’m also a bit nostalgic and melancholy.
I haven’t been as centered as I am now at any other point in my life. I’ve worked hard over the past 15 or so years to find a balance, but nothing was as transformative for me as the time between November 2020 and March 2021.
My grandma was diagnosed with late-stage cancer and my dad and I were the two primary caregivers for her in the final months of her life. She was in an incredible amount of pain there at the end and shit got mega ugly. Somehow, through that experience I managed to find peace, though. It was the realest shit I've ever done.
I did research into grief and how to manage it while things were escalating with her so I wouldn’t be completely blindsided. I’d made a promise to myself that I would use the experience to grow no matter how much shit I was going to have to process and deal with. One morning, I was in my car driving to the hospital and I lost it. It had been a very, very long time since I had a good cry in a car and suddenly it was like I was transported back to 2003 and I saw myself for who I was: A boy dealing with grief that had no idea he was dealing with grief, with no proper coping tools in which to deal with it.
With that revelation, in that exact moment, I just felt empathy for that lost kid that started this LJ. Emotions and feelings I had repressed for years came rushing to the surface. Not in a “I need to get all this out right now” type of way, but “Oh, so there’s where the majority of my baggage comes from; you poor kid. You didn’t stand a chance.” It was like I felt a weight lifted immediately. It sounds cliché but that’s how it felt.
Back in 2003, I didn’t realize you could feel grief over loss that wasn’t attached to death. When I sold out straightedge, many people who I had been close friends with for years turned their back. They lied; they stole stuff from me. Threatened me. In a lot of ways, the entire foundation of who I was as a person became painful. Anything I’d spent my formative teenage years developing as “who I am” only gave me sorrow. The music, the scene, the subculture, many of my friends and topics of conversation would cut me to the core.
I wrote a verse a couple years back referring to that time period and a line said “the great schism, cause when my heart broke in half I left that one half with ‘em.” I wasn't whole for a long time after that.
I remember reaching a point where I was so tired of feeling sad, I embraced anger and hate. I now can see that when the anger stage of grief came around, I clung to it like a life-preserver and created a wholly new identity around it. An identity that didn’t feel sadness or hurt.
An identity that hung out in the PJs and at sketchy parties slanging dope and rapping. I had no empathy for anyone and I found virtue in selfishness. Arrogant, crass, violent, irresponsible, mean, and ultimately fake. I remember thinking “I bet none of ya’ll pussies come into Mosby to find me” type shit when I’d hear people were “looking for me” to cheese grate the X’s off my wrist or whatever other nonsense. The thing with that is that you are who you pretend to be. Maybe it started as a put-on persona to cope with life at a stage when I had no idea how to cope with life, but then, that becomes you. I lost myself.
I carried that persona with me until 2021 when I took all that energy surrounding death and turned it into clarity. Alchemy.
With that revelation, it wasn’t a very far leap to merge those two halves together and create a whole. I am the sum total of all my personas and experiences through life and at 40, I now encompass it all. Centered and balanced. It took me a couple years to get reacquainted with the person I’d been pushing down for so many years.
Now, I’d like to think 19-year-old me would be stoked on 40-year-old me. I drove to work this morning in my Acura ILX listening to Descendants while wearing a Gangstarr hoodie, sunroof open in the cold for fresh air. Nowadays in Virginia, Cannabis is all but legalized and I have a medical card, so herb is abundant in a type of way I still find novel and I’m still getting down. I don’t really drink anymore, 2-5 beers a year depending. I still push my skateboard around here and there; I own a house bigger than I have any right to have and have been happily married for 10+ years. I have two stepdaughters I love very much that have grown into their own successful, independent women with their own families. I still have both my parents. I have some really good friends, most of whom have been in my life for 25-35 years. I work a blue collar job at a factory and it beats me down sometimes, but I’m also a steward for my Union and lead negotiations with the company last year, which is punk as fuck you can’t tell me SHIT.
I think if I astral projected back to November 15, 2003 and showed that spoiled, ungrateful shit what life was going to be like at 40, he’d be like “yooooo that’s what’s up!! Go head on with ya grown and sexy self!”
And for all that, turning 40 is neat. I’m proud. I didn’t die or get arrested or end up a victim of my addictions. I’ll give myself an atta boy for that.
For other reasons, turning 40 is a bit sad. By 40, some people you spent good times with have died. Close family. Once close friends. You start to understand how fleeting this entire experience is and how precious those are that help make our collective experience unique.
Aaron Lacey. Andrew Schappell (so many comments from him here on LJ, we burned bright for a while there, lad. #9.) Mandy DeVine. Grandma Lois Snyder. Aunts. Uncles. All passed on, some tragically. Overdose. Suicide. Cancer.
Others, we’ve moved into different seasons in our life and don’t find much in common anymore. Those types of folks I like to secretly check in on while online and be happy they are happy even if life is in a spot where I know I won’t work to nurture an ongoing relationship with them. It’s okay to miss people and just be appreciative of the memories they made with you. I think about a lot of people fondly, frequently.
I’m at this point where I'm legitimately glad the people I’ve spent time with are the people I’ve spent time with. I’ve been lucky to have had at different times, large groups of friends made out of very unique, counter-cultural people. What a neat way to grow up. How neat is it that all these folks make up the patchwork of your life and, in turn, you?!
But it is also sad you won’t or can’t carry folks with you into a brand new decade with a literal brand new you.
It used to be I just wanted to be left the fuck alone. Couldn’t understand why people wouldn’t leave me the fuck alone. Made myself as unapproachable as possible so people would leave me the fuck alone. And now that I actually understand how transient and short the ride actually is, I don’t ever want to be alone again.
I want all the experience and memories with all the loved ones right now. Sign me up. Let’s go. It’s a shame it took me this long to be in this headspace but rolling into my 40’s with it is well enough.
It’s like I’m bridging the gap for an entire lifetime here on LJ. The past 20 years is like it’s own little lifetime. If I’m lucky enough to be posting here when I’m turning 60, that will be another lifetime. That basically means I can take all this new insight and apply it to my life and still have another lifetime to experience the gains.
Because one day, I could ACTUALLY be alone. It’s like the specter of death now hangs over my head but it isn’t frightening in the traditional sense, it just makes me hug my wife tighter today than I did yesterday and finally pushes me into being present in all the little moments throughout the day I used to struggle with.
Mindfulness.
It’s taken me years to get here, where you’re walking and you’re like “Oh shit, I’m alive. ALIVE.” You smell the air, maybe watch the clouds as they pass overhead; a squirrel rustles in the leaves to your left. You won’t be alive one day, the people you love that are with you won’t be alive one day, but for today, THIS DAY, you’re all alive and it doesn’t get any better than this. I can now embrace it.
So, as I get started with “official” middle age, I’m in a great head space. The best I’ve ever been in. I’m lucky to have had this transformation this early and I plan to make the most of it. Right now, at this present moment, life is GOOD. The world is crazy, but life is good.
We’ve come a long way, baby, LET’S. FUCKIN. GO.
Oh, and for old time’s sake, lemme end this with a “holla at me, fuckers” or some other sign off I used to have lol. fuckface :)