Chromosomes divide, multiply and thrive, and the strong survive, yeah the strong survive....
Spaceman fucked an ape, but cut out on the date, and now it's much too late.
We're lacking something, something good, something good.
Is this all for nothing, show me the goods, something good...
I sort of had a fight with Katie tonight. I say sort of because I don't know if we can technically fight anymore, I guess anybody can fight though I suppose. I just mean we can argue but I think you are fighting when it's unavoidable. Now most everything is avoidable, or at least from my perspective. I got angry with something she said, she said I took it the wrong way, but I took it how I took it so it doesn't matter. I think you know when things you say can be taken different ways. It's rarely a mistake, maybe not intentional but not unknown. Regardless, I don't really care. I got angry and wrote her back, and then I was fine, then I felt bad for a little while. I was even going to go buy her some food when I went on my lunch. Figures the one time I offer to she doesn't want me to. You can't anticipate Katie. If she ever finds a guy who can anticipate what she's going to do, even fifty percent of the time, she better keep that guy. Anyway, we had a discussion and I felt bad, because of course you can't have a discussion with Katie without coming out of it feeling bad. Not that it's necessarily intentional from her, but it's unavoidable. I feel fine now. Not so bad, or mean. I don't like feeling mean, or bad, and that in itself makes me angry. I don't like to be put in situations where I know I'll end up feeling bad about myself. I try to avoid situations where I could potentially say or do something I'll regret later. But I'm over it now.
Anyway, I was talking to Ally and I told her that I think maybe life, or a good life, is never having to explain yourself. Not necessarily like you're so powerful or above it all that you can do what you want and not have to answer for your actions. It's more like you're doing good if you can do what you think is right, or correct, for the benefit of others as well as yourself and no one second guesses you. Not that you're a leader or the boss or anything, it just that people can look at you and say "Man that Tim knows what he's doing, he won't fuck me over, he won't waste my time". I don't really need people to say that about me, but if they thought it, it would be nice. I just want to be trusted. I feel like maturity comes from trust. Like maybe the second people stop second guessing you, you're there. That is what you have to do with kids, you have to predict when they'll do something wrong. Not necessarily on purpose, but you have to be ready for the mistakes, ready for the wrong outcome. I just feel like I'm ready for people to set back and let me drive. You know how you can sleep in the car on a long trip when your dad is driving, because he's the dad and you are comfortable enough to put your trust in his abilities. I guess what I'm saying is I am ready for some responsibility. Some selfless responsibility. The stuff I've been trying to avoid my entire life. It's like the end of A Clockwork Orange, the book not the movie, where Alex goes back to his old ways of Ultra Violence but becomes disenfranchised with it and realizes the next and inevitable step is to settle down and get a job, a wife, and have some kids.
I never wanted to learn how to drive, and that came from a lack of self esteem. I quit college early because I didn't want to take management classes because I swore I'd never be the boss. Now I don't like to ride in other peoples cars, and I see that the only way I'll make it is to work towards being the boss. I sabotaged my life. I betrayed my future. I put my life in the hands of others and by doing that I let myself down. They haven't let me down, but I hurt myself. Now I welcome adversity. I like paying bills. I don't like spending the money, but I like the organization. I like changing the oil in my car. I would like to be able to do more than that to my car. I like showing Ash how to tie his shoes. I like doing laundry and washing dishes. Their my dishes, and my laundry. I like doing Ally's laundry when she is in. I like cleaning up the apartment. I want what is best for Ash. That's all. I still have some low self esteem, especially where Ash and my being a dad is concerned. Sometimes though, subconsciously, I sort of do and say things that afterwards make me feel good about being a dad. Like maybe in a couple years when he needs me, I'll be ready. That sort of saddends me though, thinking that if Ash had been born a few years later I'd be an even better dad. But maybe not, maybe he's why I get better, or try harder. He's a better kid than somebody like me deserves. Everytime I look at him I smile, and then I see the mistakes I have made with him so far, and then I think of what mistakes I have to avoid in the future.
Well, I've got to talk to Katie some more today, so I'll probably end up arguing some more. I'm not going to say "Why can't we all get along" or anything, but don't you think we can all just look ahead and get to the end of stuff without arguing. I don't think it would be that hard.
We're lacking something, something good, something good.
Is this all for nothing, show me the goods, something good...
I sort of had a fight with Katie tonight. I say sort of because I don't know if we can technically fight anymore, I guess anybody can fight though I suppose. I just mean we can argue but I think you are fighting when it's unavoidable. Now most everything is avoidable, or at least from my perspective. I got angry with something she said, she said I took it the wrong way, but I took it how I took it so it doesn't matter. I think you know when things you say can be taken different ways. It's rarely a mistake, maybe not intentional but not unknown. Regardless, I don't really care. I got angry and wrote her back, and then I was fine, then I felt bad for a little while. I was even going to go buy her some food when I went on my lunch. Figures the one time I offer to she doesn't want me to. You can't anticipate Katie. If she ever finds a guy who can anticipate what she's going to do, even fifty percent of the time, she better keep that guy. Anyway, we had a discussion and I felt bad, because of course you can't have a discussion with Katie without coming out of it feeling bad. Not that it's necessarily intentional from her, but it's unavoidable. I feel fine now. Not so bad, or mean. I don't like feeling mean, or bad, and that in itself makes me angry. I don't like to be put in situations where I know I'll end up feeling bad about myself. I try to avoid situations where I could potentially say or do something I'll regret later. But I'm over it now.
Anyway, I was talking to Ally and I told her that I think maybe life, or a good life, is never having to explain yourself. Not necessarily like you're so powerful or above it all that you can do what you want and not have to answer for your actions. It's more like you're doing good if you can do what you think is right, or correct, for the benefit of others as well as yourself and no one second guesses you. Not that you're a leader or the boss or anything, it just that people can look at you and say "Man that Tim knows what he's doing, he won't fuck me over, he won't waste my time". I don't really need people to say that about me, but if they thought it, it would be nice. I just want to be trusted. I feel like maturity comes from trust. Like maybe the second people stop second guessing you, you're there. That is what you have to do with kids, you have to predict when they'll do something wrong. Not necessarily on purpose, but you have to be ready for the mistakes, ready for the wrong outcome. I just feel like I'm ready for people to set back and let me drive. You know how you can sleep in the car on a long trip when your dad is driving, because he's the dad and you are comfortable enough to put your trust in his abilities. I guess what I'm saying is I am ready for some responsibility. Some selfless responsibility. The stuff I've been trying to avoid my entire life. It's like the end of A Clockwork Orange, the book not the movie, where Alex goes back to his old ways of Ultra Violence but becomes disenfranchised with it and realizes the next and inevitable step is to settle down and get a job, a wife, and have some kids.
I never wanted to learn how to drive, and that came from a lack of self esteem. I quit college early because I didn't want to take management classes because I swore I'd never be the boss. Now I don't like to ride in other peoples cars, and I see that the only way I'll make it is to work towards being the boss. I sabotaged my life. I betrayed my future. I put my life in the hands of others and by doing that I let myself down. They haven't let me down, but I hurt myself. Now I welcome adversity. I like paying bills. I don't like spending the money, but I like the organization. I like changing the oil in my car. I would like to be able to do more than that to my car. I like showing Ash how to tie his shoes. I like doing laundry and washing dishes. Their my dishes, and my laundry. I like doing Ally's laundry when she is in. I like cleaning up the apartment. I want what is best for Ash. That's all. I still have some low self esteem, especially where Ash and my being a dad is concerned. Sometimes though, subconsciously, I sort of do and say things that afterwards make me feel good about being a dad. Like maybe in a couple years when he needs me, I'll be ready. That sort of saddends me though, thinking that if Ash had been born a few years later I'd be an even better dad. But maybe not, maybe he's why I get better, or try harder. He's a better kid than somebody like me deserves. Everytime I look at him I smile, and then I see the mistakes I have made with him so far, and then I think of what mistakes I have to avoid in the future.
Well, I've got to talk to Katie some more today, so I'll probably end up arguing some more. I'm not going to say "Why can't we all get along" or anything, but don't you think we can all just look ahead and get to the end of stuff without arguing. I don't think it would be that hard.