What's the Point?
Title: What's the Point?
Author: Timelordshines
Characters: Ianto Jones, Toshiko Sato, Gwen Cooper
Rating: PG-13
Words: 1687
Spoilers: S1E4,S1E13
Disclaimer: Characters belong to RTD and the BBC - I’m just borrowing them.
Written for hc_bingo prompt "Depression".
“Ianto love, can I have a word in my office please?”
Ianto groaned inwardly. If Gwen was using pet names this wasn’t going to go well.
He put down his clipboard and followed her into Jack’s office. Even after more than two months he couldn’t stop thinking of it as Jack’s. His eyes scanned around the room, quickly cataloguing its contents, making sure Gwen hadn’t tried to move anything again. When she first moved in she had reorganised the space. Some changes Ianto let her get away with - he didn’t have the energy to fight her on everything, but certain things were sacrosanct. When she tried to box up the coral and put it into storage, Ianto replaced it on the desk and stated in no uncertain terms that she wasn’t to move it again. And in her defence she hadn’t. It was still exactly where he left it, where Jack left it.
Gwen settled herself in Jack’s chair and indicated Ianto should sit in the visitor’s chair across the desk from her. She leaned forward resting her elbows on the desk and her chin on her steepled fingers. Ianto noted absently that she looked faintly ridiculous as the desk was too high for her in that pose, not like when Jack sat like that. Ianto’s mind wandered.
“Ianto pet? Did you hear any of what I just said?”
“What? Um no, not really.” He couldn’t even be bothered to look embarrassed or to apologise. What was the point?
“I was just saying that maybe you should take some time off? Get your head sorted out yeah? We are already a man down; we can’t keep babysitting you and letting you stay behind on missions. Right now you are too much of a liability to take into the field but we need to start training you up.”
‘Training me? I’m a much better field agent than you will ever be Miss Cooper. I’d like to see how you would have survived Canary Wharf.’ But he didn’t say any of that, just nodded meekly at her.
“Take two weeks Ianto. It’s not healthy for you to be here all the time. Go home. See your family. Take a holiday. Just relax for a bit.”
‘Home? Home is here. Was here. Jack is my family. We’ve never been on holiday together, I’m not going on one without him.’
He didn’t argue. He didn’t feel up to a battle of wills with Gwen. “Do you want another coffee before I go?”
“Oh yes please!” Gwen grinned, “you are one in a million.”
Ianto nodded curtly and got up on auto pilot to make the drinks. He made five perfect cups and took Gwen’s, Tosh’s and Owen’s out to them, receiving varying degrees of thanks for his offerings. Owen’s was a mere grunt, Gwen’s way over the top as if somehow trying to make up for the fact that she had effectively just suspended him. Tosh’s thanks were at least genuine, if a little distracted as she continued to work on her latest program.
Ianto returned to the kitchen and picked up his own mug, inhaling deeply of the delicious aroma. When he opened his eyes, they came to rest on the blue and white striped mug on the counter, the steam wafting up from its contents taunting him. He roughly threw his own and Jack’s coffees down the sink watching the scalding liquid splash around and swirl down the drain. He leaned on the edge of the sink for a moment, breathing heavily and trying to hold the shattered fragments of himself together. When he regained control he put the two mugs reverently into the dishwasher their handles touching, and left the kitchen making his way up to the tourist office and out without saying a word.
His feet picked their way through the streets of his home city without any conscious thought or direction from his brain and he found himself back at his flat. Ianto took off his shoes and coat and left them in the hallway. He went through to the living room and sat down on the sofa. He looked up at the coffee table. The remote control for the TV was there, just out of reach. He couldn’t be bothered to get up and fetch it so he picked up the newspaper from the arm of the sofa and stared at the crossword on the back page.
An hour later the doorbell rang and Ianto realised he hadn’t filled in any of the clues. “It’s open!” he called.
A second later Tosh’s head appeared around the door. “Ianto? You ok?”
“Yeah, I’m good. How are you?”
Tosh came into the room and sat in the chair across from Ianto. “I’m fine, thank you. You should lock your door you know, just in case. I could have been anybody.”
“You could have, but you weren’t.”
“Well, no….”
“I’m sorry,” Ianto sighed. He hadn’t meant to snap at her. He knew she was trying to be nice. She didn’t have to come over. “Do you want a cup of coffee?”
Tosh smiled, “yes please, that would be lovely.”
He pushed himself up and went into the kitchen, Tosh following him.
“Gwen told me she sent you home,” Tosh stated tentatively, watching Ianto’s shoulders tense as he worked the coffee machine.
“She told me to take two weeks to clear my head.” He handed Tosh her mug, picked up his own and went back into the living room.
Tosh hurried to catch up and sat with him on the sofa this time.
“You’re not going to listen to her are you?”
“What?” Ianto stopped with the coffee half way to his lips.
“You don’t need time on your own Ianto. You need to be with people. You need something to do to take your mind off things. Maybe it’s not healthy to spend so long at work where, well you know, but it’s better than spending too long on your own.”
“But Gwen’s right. I’m no use to any of you.”
“Of course you are. Don’t let Gwen make out she’s any better than you. We only let her designate herself as leader until Jack gets back because Owen can’t be bothered, I don’t want to have to deal with UNIT and we thought you had enough on your plate at the moment, you know, with everything….” Tosh’s speech petered out.
Ianto smiled softly and silently thanked Tosh for her quiet assertion and belief that Jack would return. “It’s ok Tosh. I know I need to pull myself together, but it’s not that easy. Half the time I just think ‘what’s the point?’ you know? I mean, Lisa’s gone, Jack’s gone. Why bother? I’m just so tired Tosh, I don’t want to fight anymore.”
Tosh reached over and took his hand, the simple gesture saying much more than the words that failed her could have done.
“And if Gwen thinks that sending me home to be on my own with just my thoughts for company is going to help in any way than she is even more fucking insane than I am!”
“I think she means well, but she hasn’t really thought it through.”
“Does she ever?” Ianto asked and they both laughed briefly then lapsed into a comfortable silence as they finished their coffees.
“I should be going,” said Tosh getting up, “see you at work tomorrow?”
Ianto stood with her, “yeah. Thanks for coming by, you didn’t have to.”
“I wanted to. I wanted to see how you were. You’re so quiet, sometimes it’s hard to know how you are really feeling.”
“I’m fine.”
Tosh looked at him.
“Ok, no I’m not. It hurts so much. At the Hub everywhere I look reminds me of him, but at least I still feel somehow near to him. Here, I just feel so lost. I miss him so much Tosh. I just want to know where he is, is he ok? Will he come back? Does he want to?”
Tosh took the Welshman’s hands in hers, unsure how to comfort him as he continued, “I don’t want him to come back just because he thinks he ought to because he somehow feels duty bound to come back to us and look after the Earth. But then I also don’t want to think of him trying to get back and not being able to. I just wish we knew. I’ve seen that CCTV footage so many times and it hasn’t helped. It looks like he left of his own accord, so at least he wanted to go, but why didn’t he say anything? Did our mutiny hurt him so much he just couldn’t wait to leave? Could he really not stand to be near us anymore?”
Ianto sank back down into the chair and put his head in his hands, “I betrayed him again, he won’t want to come back and I really can’t blame him.”
Tosh quickly wiped a tear from the corner of her eye before crouching down at his feet.
“He will come back,” she said forcefully.
“He forgave you the first time. He understood why you had to try and help Lisa and he didn’t blame you for it. That is all in the past now. And we all mutinied before he left, not just you. It was stupid, we shouldn’t have doubted him, but we are only human. He knows that, and he forgave us. He loves you Ianto. Anyone can see that from that kiss he gave you when he came back to life. He will be back when he is ready.”
Ianto slowly lowered his hands and looked at his friend.
“You can’t let him see you in this state. You have to be strong and show him what a fighter you are,” she said resting her hand on his knee and looking earnestly into his eyes.
He leaned forward and wrapped Toshiko into a big hug. “Thank you Tosh. I will try. I will be ok. It’s good to know you’ve got my back.”
“Always.” She said, hugging him back tightly.
Author: Timelordshines
Characters: Ianto Jones, Toshiko Sato, Gwen Cooper
Rating: PG-13
Words: 1687
Spoilers: S1E4,S1E13
Disclaimer: Characters belong to RTD and the BBC - I’m just borrowing them.
Written for hc_bingo prompt "Depression".
“Ianto love, can I have a word in my office please?”
Ianto groaned inwardly. If Gwen was using pet names this wasn’t going to go well.
He put down his clipboard and followed her into Jack’s office. Even after more than two months he couldn’t stop thinking of it as Jack’s. His eyes scanned around the room, quickly cataloguing its contents, making sure Gwen hadn’t tried to move anything again. When she first moved in she had reorganised the space. Some changes Ianto let her get away with - he didn’t have the energy to fight her on everything, but certain things were sacrosanct. When she tried to box up the coral and put it into storage, Ianto replaced it on the desk and stated in no uncertain terms that she wasn’t to move it again. And in her defence she hadn’t. It was still exactly where he left it, where Jack left it.
Gwen settled herself in Jack’s chair and indicated Ianto should sit in the visitor’s chair across the desk from her. She leaned forward resting her elbows on the desk and her chin on her steepled fingers. Ianto noted absently that she looked faintly ridiculous as the desk was too high for her in that pose, not like when Jack sat like that. Ianto’s mind wandered.
“Ianto pet? Did you hear any of what I just said?”
“What? Um no, not really.” He couldn’t even be bothered to look embarrassed or to apologise. What was the point?
“I was just saying that maybe you should take some time off? Get your head sorted out yeah? We are already a man down; we can’t keep babysitting you and letting you stay behind on missions. Right now you are too much of a liability to take into the field but we need to start training you up.”
‘Training me? I’m a much better field agent than you will ever be Miss Cooper. I’d like to see how you would have survived Canary Wharf.’ But he didn’t say any of that, just nodded meekly at her.
“Take two weeks Ianto. It’s not healthy for you to be here all the time. Go home. See your family. Take a holiday. Just relax for a bit.”
‘Home? Home is here. Was here. Jack is my family. We’ve never been on holiday together, I’m not going on one without him.’
He didn’t argue. He didn’t feel up to a battle of wills with Gwen. “Do you want another coffee before I go?”
“Oh yes please!” Gwen grinned, “you are one in a million.”
Ianto nodded curtly and got up on auto pilot to make the drinks. He made five perfect cups and took Gwen’s, Tosh’s and Owen’s out to them, receiving varying degrees of thanks for his offerings. Owen’s was a mere grunt, Gwen’s way over the top as if somehow trying to make up for the fact that she had effectively just suspended him. Tosh’s thanks were at least genuine, if a little distracted as she continued to work on her latest program.
Ianto returned to the kitchen and picked up his own mug, inhaling deeply of the delicious aroma. When he opened his eyes, they came to rest on the blue and white striped mug on the counter, the steam wafting up from its contents taunting him. He roughly threw his own and Jack’s coffees down the sink watching the scalding liquid splash around and swirl down the drain. He leaned on the edge of the sink for a moment, breathing heavily and trying to hold the shattered fragments of himself together. When he regained control he put the two mugs reverently into the dishwasher their handles touching, and left the kitchen making his way up to the tourist office and out without saying a word.
His feet picked their way through the streets of his home city without any conscious thought or direction from his brain and he found himself back at his flat. Ianto took off his shoes and coat and left them in the hallway. He went through to the living room and sat down on the sofa. He looked up at the coffee table. The remote control for the TV was there, just out of reach. He couldn’t be bothered to get up and fetch it so he picked up the newspaper from the arm of the sofa and stared at the crossword on the back page.
An hour later the doorbell rang and Ianto realised he hadn’t filled in any of the clues. “It’s open!” he called.
A second later Tosh’s head appeared around the door. “Ianto? You ok?”
“Yeah, I’m good. How are you?”
Tosh came into the room and sat in the chair across from Ianto. “I’m fine, thank you. You should lock your door you know, just in case. I could have been anybody.”
“You could have, but you weren’t.”
“Well, no….”
“I’m sorry,” Ianto sighed. He hadn’t meant to snap at her. He knew she was trying to be nice. She didn’t have to come over. “Do you want a cup of coffee?”
Tosh smiled, “yes please, that would be lovely.”
He pushed himself up and went into the kitchen, Tosh following him.
“Gwen told me she sent you home,” Tosh stated tentatively, watching Ianto’s shoulders tense as he worked the coffee machine.
“She told me to take two weeks to clear my head.” He handed Tosh her mug, picked up his own and went back into the living room.
Tosh hurried to catch up and sat with him on the sofa this time.
“You’re not going to listen to her are you?”
“What?” Ianto stopped with the coffee half way to his lips.
“You don’t need time on your own Ianto. You need to be with people. You need something to do to take your mind off things. Maybe it’s not healthy to spend so long at work where, well you know, but it’s better than spending too long on your own.”
“But Gwen’s right. I’m no use to any of you.”
“Of course you are. Don’t let Gwen make out she’s any better than you. We only let her designate herself as leader until Jack gets back because Owen can’t be bothered, I don’t want to have to deal with UNIT and we thought you had enough on your plate at the moment, you know, with everything….” Tosh’s speech petered out.
Ianto smiled softly and silently thanked Tosh for her quiet assertion and belief that Jack would return. “It’s ok Tosh. I know I need to pull myself together, but it’s not that easy. Half the time I just think ‘what’s the point?’ you know? I mean, Lisa’s gone, Jack’s gone. Why bother? I’m just so tired Tosh, I don’t want to fight anymore.”
Tosh reached over and took his hand, the simple gesture saying much more than the words that failed her could have done.
“And if Gwen thinks that sending me home to be on my own with just my thoughts for company is going to help in any way than she is even more fucking insane than I am!”
“I think she means well, but she hasn’t really thought it through.”
“Does she ever?” Ianto asked and they both laughed briefly then lapsed into a comfortable silence as they finished their coffees.
“I should be going,” said Tosh getting up, “see you at work tomorrow?”
Ianto stood with her, “yeah. Thanks for coming by, you didn’t have to.”
“I wanted to. I wanted to see how you were. You’re so quiet, sometimes it’s hard to know how you are really feeling.”
“I’m fine.”
Tosh looked at him.
“Ok, no I’m not. It hurts so much. At the Hub everywhere I look reminds me of him, but at least I still feel somehow near to him. Here, I just feel so lost. I miss him so much Tosh. I just want to know where he is, is he ok? Will he come back? Does he want to?”
Tosh took the Welshman’s hands in hers, unsure how to comfort him as he continued, “I don’t want him to come back just because he thinks he ought to because he somehow feels duty bound to come back to us and look after the Earth. But then I also don’t want to think of him trying to get back and not being able to. I just wish we knew. I’ve seen that CCTV footage so many times and it hasn’t helped. It looks like he left of his own accord, so at least he wanted to go, but why didn’t he say anything? Did our mutiny hurt him so much he just couldn’t wait to leave? Could he really not stand to be near us anymore?”
Ianto sank back down into the chair and put his head in his hands, “I betrayed him again, he won’t want to come back and I really can’t blame him.”
Tosh quickly wiped a tear from the corner of her eye before crouching down at his feet.
“He will come back,” she said forcefully.
“He forgave you the first time. He understood why you had to try and help Lisa and he didn’t blame you for it. That is all in the past now. And we all mutinied before he left, not just you. It was stupid, we shouldn’t have doubted him, but we are only human. He knows that, and he forgave us. He loves you Ianto. Anyone can see that from that kiss he gave you when he came back to life. He will be back when he is ready.”
Ianto slowly lowered his hands and looked at his friend.
“You can’t let him see you in this state. You have to be strong and show him what a fighter you are,” she said resting her hand on his knee and looking earnestly into his eyes.
He leaned forward and wrapped Toshiko into a big hug. “Thank you Tosh. I will try. I will be ok. It’s good to know you’ve got my back.”
“Always.” She said, hugging him back tightly.