Fic: The Afterlife is So Overrated (3/?) PG-13 rated, Doctor/Master
Title: The Afterlife is So Overrated (3/?)
Rating: PG-13 in this chapter, for cursing and ‘religious themes’, namely a fictional view of the afterlife, Crackfic
Character/Pairing: Simm!Master, Tenth Doctor
Word length: 1,605 in this chapter
Spoiler: A/U after End of Time, Part Two
Disclaimer: Doctor Who and its characters belong to the BBC, not to me
Notes: This story is inspired and based on the view of the afterlife shown in the brilliant short film ‘In God We Trust’ made by Jason Reitman in 2000.
Story Start: Chapter One
“Lightning’s always a great way to smite mortals.” The angel now having a go at the computer smirked.
“No, no, no!” Brad yelled exasperated “He’s in a Volkswagen, not a Vauxhall!”
“... What’s the difference?” The first angel asked confused.
“You hit the bloody wrong car!”
~
The drive was going fine until suddenly the car in front of the Master got hit by a strangely localised lightning bolt. The Time Lord slammed on the brakes, at least slowing down but not preventing the car from rear-ending the somewhat-roasted one and ending up with a face full of airbag. Eventually he managed to stagger out of the car, but at least he wasn’t severely injured, considering. His face felt sore and his ears were ringing painfully from the airbag deployment though. He was still quite a bit better off than the driver that was in front of him, who had made the unfortunate decision of driving a convertible that day. ‘Who drives an open-top in Britain, seriously?’ The Master still thought before leaving the crash scene.
Now he had to find some other means of getting to Chiswick, where he remembered that strange woman to be. Luckily he had a pretty good sense of direction, but he’d rather not walk all the way. Maybe some other means of travel... Ugh, maybe he’d have to take public transport. Wonderful. Now his hearing was coming back slowly, but he kind of wished it didn’t when the silence was pierced by the most horrible sound known to mankind (better known as the ‘Crazy Frog’ ringtone). The Master growled in frustration and turned to the source of the grating noise. He snatched the mobile phone out of the startled human’s hands, threw it on the ground and proceeded to stomp the thing into a thousand little pieces. He sighed when he eventually stopped and walked on feeling quite a bit better.
~
The screen beeped again as a message popped up next to the score, which went up by 10 to leave it at -460: ‘Fighting crimes against Humanity’
“... You have to admit he’s right on this one though.” One of the angels remarked as they stared at the screen. Even Brad had to agree on this occasion.
~
After hypnotising some human into giving him the fare, the Master found himself riding the bus. Yes, the bus. It stunk and was far too full of humans. But it was getting him closer to his destination and time was of the essence as there was still some little chance the Doctor had stuck around for a bit longer. Not his style, true, he was more the ‘run, never look back and don’t stick around for the consequences’ type, but still.
A sign along the road indicated the bus wasn’t far from Chiswick now. Good, he couldn’t wait to get off the damn thing.
~
This time, Brad pushed the others out of the way “I’ll deal with it now.” He growled, typing away on the keyboard. “The best way to kill mortals is just to let them kill each other...”
~
At the next stop, two masked young men suddenly stepped onto the bus, both of them taking a machine gun out of their bags and holding the weapons up. The first guy shouted “Everyone stop moving and be quiet! We’re taking y’all hostage for the terrorist organisation-...”
The no doubt inspiring speech was interrupted as the Time Lord snorted “Aren’t you a bit small for a terrorist organisation? Or are you two the only ones of your little group that aren’t supposed to be in school right now?”
The would-be terrorist narrowed his eyes as they fixed on the black-hooded man, stepping closer and holding the muzzle of the gun aimed at the guy’s head “You got something to say, smart-arse...”
The Master rolled his eyes, then said with a little smile “Actually, I do: This is going to hurt.” He grabbed the barrel of the gun and slammed it up into his attacker’s face, the metal hitting the fragile nose area with a satisfying crunch. As the human howled in pain and grabbed for his broken nose, the Time Lord stood up and kicked him in the stomach. The man stumbled back against the other one, throwing both of them on the floor, where several old ladies hit them with surprisingly-or maybe not so surprisingly- heavy handbags until the both of them were subdued and unconscious.
“Well, now that that excitement is over, can we move on?” He said a bit cheerfully, but unfortunately they couldn’t. Of course, the police had to get involved, take witness statements, etc. Since the Master didn’t want to get caught up in that, he sneaked off the bus by managing to pry open the doors at the back and was gone before they knew it. But then, the humans’ attention was on the two failed hostage-takers anyway.
~
Brad snarled, slamming his fist down on the keyboard as he watched the events and saw the score change to -440 for ‘Saving people from a hostage situation’.
~
Finally he made it to the Noble residence, without any further incidents. Well, except for a yapping Yorkie that tried to bite his ankles and tore the ends of his pant legs a little. He rang the bell and stepped back, shoving his hands in his pockets and watching the door, uncertain what to expect. He doubted it would be the Doctor, and if it was that woman she might do that weird knock-out shockwave... whatever again. Just like the Doctor to put that in a human brain...
But it was the old man that opened the door and then stared at him with a gasp “You!”
“Yes, me. Relax, I’m not here to maim and kill. I need to find the Doctor; do you have some way of contacting him?”
“Erm... well, yeah, I just go in the backyard...” Wilf replied a little sheepish.
The Master blinked “What?”
“He’s in his blue box but it’s been standing there for over an hour now, since we got back...”
Then it clicked “Ooh... right. He’s having an angstfest.”
“... A what?”
“All the cool kids are doing it these days, gramps.” He said, giving a little pat on the older-looking man’s shoulder.
“Oh... one of those.”
“... Yeah. I’ll go see him now. Bye-bye.” The Master said quickly before heading around the house, leaving the old human to wonder puzzled:
“I didn’t know the Doctor liked rap music...”
~
Meanwhile, the dreaded army of the planet Slak was marching on the blue police box. Their leader turned to face the troops, or as much as their bodies had a face. “There it is! Once we take over the Time Lord and control the spacecraft, we will conquer the universe and victory is ensured! ... CHARGE!”
The soldiers echoed the war-cry, their gelatinous bodies jiggling in the bone-like armour in excitement, and followed their general, until the leader’s cry turned into one of alarm when a dark shadow fell over them. “Retreat, retreat!”
~
The Master grimaced when he felt and heard something crunch under his boot, even more so when it seemed to be something sticky as he lifted his foot and had to glance at the sole. “Ugh... a snail...” He wiped the sole on the grass and stepped up to the TARDIS, pushing open the door and headed inside.
~
This time, Brad slammed his face on the keyboard at the screen’s beep and the appearance of the messages:
‘Preventing hostile take-over of the universe by evil beings’ + 30
‘Saving a vulnerable victim from an icky brain-overtaking fate’ +10
All of which brought the score to -400.
~
The Doctor was indeed brooding woefully over his TARDIS console, but he turned around when he heard the door open, thinking it was Wilf. His eyes widened in shock however when he saw who it really was “Master!?”
The renegade sighed as he lowered the hood “Yes, it’s me. Again. People are so shocked to see me, I’m going to start feeling hurt.”
“But ... but how?” The Doctor asked, making a tentative step forward “You’re supposed to be dead...”
“I am. Technically... But I- ... No, no, no, don’t hug-... oof” The Master tried to protest but it was in vain and sighed “... me...”
“I don’t know how you did it, but I’m never going to let you out of my sight now!”
“Yes, yes, wonderful...” The smaller Time Lord grumbled as he tried to disentangle himself from the too-long limbs his fellow Time Lord had. “Now can we get out of here?”
“Huh?” The Doctor pulled back to look at him “Sure, but why? I mean, I get why you want to leave Earth, what with every human now knowing your face and you having killed the President back then, and when you-...”
“I’m getting chased by angels!” The Master cut him off, pulling out of his hold completely now.
The Doctor gasped “The weeping ones or the metal kind?”
“... What!? ... No! The ‘when you die, I get to pick if you go to heaven or hell’, you know, the afterlife kind! ... Don’t laugh.”
Despite the warning, he snickered and brought out a little choked “I’m... I’m sorry, but... angels? With the harp and the halo and the clouds...” The Master resisted the urge to slap him at that... actually, no, he didn’t.
“Now get me out of here.” The Master glared at the Doctor, who was rubbing his sore cheek with a pouting expression.
TO BE CONTINUED