Fic: The Afterlife is So Overrated (2/?) PG-rated, Doctor/Master
Title: The Afterlife is So Overrated (2/?)
Rating: PG in this chapter, for a bit of cursing and ‘religious themes’, namely a fictional view of the afterlife
Character/Pairing: Simm!Master, there will be Doctor(Ten)/Master in later chapter
Word length: 1,127 in this chapter
Spoiler: A/U after End of Time, Part Two
Disclaimer: Doctor Who and its characters belong to the BBC, not to me
Notes: This story is inspired and based on the view of the afterlife shown in the brilliant short film ‘In God We Trust’ made by Jason Reitman in 2000.
Story Start: Chapter One
The Master blinked slowly and surveyed his surroundings. Right, so he was back in the residence of Whateverhisnamewas, why? He resisted the urge to slap himself, it probably wouldn’t do much good under the circumstances. Of course, he died here. Well, at least it was here and not back on Gallifrey, which meant he’d either be stuck in the Timelock or floating in space amidst little pieces of ex-planet. Neither prospect was very appealing, so he was still lucky, considering. It was also somewhat satisfying to think that was in fact Rassilon’s fate, seeing his state of immortality.
He wondered how much time had passed. He hadn’t been that long in that odd office, but things like that tended to make time go wonky. Or what was the proper term again? Oh, right, wibbly wobbly, timey whimey. Speaking of the Doctor though, no sign of him here. Bugger. When he tried to make it to the elevator, those ‘angels’ were in a right state, alarms going off and everything. Somehow he didn’t think he’d have the luck that they’ll just say ‘screw this’ and leave him alone. Sure, he had plenty of people that wanted to kill him in his lifetime, but these guys weren’t quite... mortal. Even worse, now he knew what the afterlife was like. He wondered why he didn’t before, but then again, when he died back then, after the execution of his Traken body, Gallifrey and the Matrix had still been intact. Ah.
Anyway, the best next step forward would be acquiring the TARDIS. He didn’t want to be stuck on Earth again, especially now that literally everyone knew his face. Brilliant plan, that. Well, he still had the ‘hoodie’, it would have to do. He briefly entertained the thought of a mask, but going ‘Phantom of the Opera’ didn’t seem that inconspicuous at all. First of all though, he had to get out of here before Whatshisface and his admittedly-lovely looking daughter (though seeing her now would only bring back the image of himself in a tight pink dress) came back, with their private army.
On his way out, however, something caught his eye. Really, this guy thought he could just get away with using the Time Lord as he did? Well, he wouldn’t be the Master if he’d let that one slide. With an evil smile and the air of a mischievous schoolboy about to pull off one hell of a prank, he perched himself behind the computer again and typed away on the keyboard. Moments later, the Naismiths’ bank accounts had been emptied and all of it donated to charities for Gay Pride and Orphaned Puppies, or something amidst those lines.
~
At the same time, wibbly wobbly timey whimey speaking, several stern looking angels in neat office suits stood around a large computer screen. Well, except for one, who was hopping up and down excitedly with his hand raised in the air “Can I do it, please, please, please, please, pleeeeaaaaase?”
Brad glared at the aforementioned younger angel “No, it’s my case.” His look also told how much he obviously thought of the other’s ability of smiting mortals.
Their department leader had a different opinion though “Young Jimmy here needs to learn the ropes too. Go ahead, son.” He said with a slightly strained voice. Perhaps the real reason he agreed was just to shut the kid up. Brad could concede that.
“Oh boy! I’ll get him good, boss!” Jimmy sat down gleefully in front of the keyboard and moments later the image of the Naismith mansion on the large screen began to shake. The tremors going through the building became so strong that it didn’t take long for the structure to collapse “Hah! No one can get out of that.”
“Good work, Jimmy.” The department leader patted the boy’s shoulder.
“Yes, excellent work. If he had actually been inside the building.” Brad commented dryly.
“What?” The others turned back to the screen to see the screen pan over to the road, where their target was indeed walking away unharmed. “Blast!”
Brad looked a little more smug, until he noticed something else changed as well. “Oh no...” He paled as he watched the counter go up from -500 to -475 while the box next to it proclaimed ‘Donating to charity’. “Come on! That can’t possibly count, it’s not even his money!” He yelled angrily but the screen stared defiantly and unchanging back to him.
~
The Master barely noticed the Naismith mansion collapsing a couple of miles behind him. He was too focused on figuring out how to find the Doctor, or rather, his TARDIS. He must have left with it, though, but it was possible he was still on Earth. He hoped. It was going to be a real pain finding him otherwise. Anyway, the best bet was to find his current human pet, er, ‘companion’. That old man, what did he call him? Wilf... that was not much to go on. Wait, that strange woman that had somehow been immune to the immortality gate’s effect. He tracked her down for his clones to attack... she had something to do with the Doctor, at least. The old man knew her too, so he might be around as well. Someone had to know where the Doctor was.
Now what was that annoying buzzing sound?
~
“How about a poisonous animal attack?” Jimmy suggested eagerly.
“The Australian ones are pretty dangerous.” Another angel nodded sagely. “Try that.”
“Alright!” The boy typed on the keyboard.
Moments later, Brad groaned and rubbed at his temple “Wonderful idea, really... except that most Australian bees are stingless.”
~
Okay, that was weird, the Master thought, after escaping a harmless but oddly persistent little bug. Now on to more important things, he had to get a means of travel. Ah, excellent! Right in front of him was a car waiting. And it was unlocked too, with the key in the ignition. Humans were such idiots, he thought as he sat down in the driver’s seat and started the car. He smirked as the apparent owner yelled at him from the sidewalk as he drove away.
~
“Hah! Now the score will go down aga-...” Brad stared incredulously at the screen as instead of going down, the points went up by five, leaving it at -470. “What!?” He looked back to the camera screen, only now noticing the owner of the car was wearing a pantyhose over the head and was holding a bulky bag, just before said person got tackled down by five policemen. The screen now read ‘Preventing a crime’. “... FFFF-“
The other angels dutifully covered their ears while Brad had his moment of frustration. “This guy really has to be stopped... now.”