(no subject)
So, um... When could you no longer see more than 20 entries back? Based on how often I generally visit, this is going to make me miss a lot more on LJ...
Hey LJ, did you miss me? I can never leave you forever...
I have a lot on my mind at the moment. Paying for school not in the least being one of my problems. However, no matter how bad my financial situation is (and I'll admit it, it's pretty bad at the moment), I can't bring myself to worry about it over the other, probably lesser things in my life.
For instance: I think I may be suffocating slowly from the inside out, and bottom up. I think I have been for a very long time, and just have been too sidetracked to realize that this thing is quite slowly tearing me apart. Well, some days less slowly than others. I'm just coming to this awful realization that I'm fighting tooth and nail (despite how it comes off to people who know) for something I don't even want, something I was ready to give up on months ago. Why is this? Why can't I let go?
I think the best conclusion is that I fear letting anything go. I'm afraid to lose any part of me. I've lost so much in my life (now, don't get me wrong, I've gained every wonderful thing I have, but still) and I'm always worried that if I let anything else go, I'll get lost and float away. I don't want my world slipping through my fingers again. I don't want to build from the ground up again.
I'm better than that this time though. I have something that, no matter what, can keep me anchored. I found (refound?) something I needed, something that makes me feel wonderful. Something that's shown me the value of taking a risk, and saying "Damn the consequences".
I'm letting myself get hurt because it's the easier thing to do. This is a step right back to where I started, right back to where I promised I'd never end up again. There are no bruises, but it stings all the same. One of these days I'm going to find my missing resolve, and do what I've needed to do for a long time.
You know?
Hey LJ, did you miss me? I can never leave you forever...
I have a lot on my mind at the moment. Paying for school not in the least being one of my problems. However, no matter how bad my financial situation is (and I'll admit it, it's pretty bad at the moment), I can't bring myself to worry about it over the other, probably lesser things in my life.
For instance: I think I may be suffocating slowly from the inside out, and bottom up. I think I have been for a very long time, and just have been too sidetracked to realize that this thing is quite slowly tearing me apart. Well, some days less slowly than others. I'm just coming to this awful realization that I'm fighting tooth and nail (despite how it comes off to people who know) for something I don't even want, something I was ready to give up on months ago. Why is this? Why can't I let go?
I think the best conclusion is that I fear letting anything go. I'm afraid to lose any part of me. I've lost so much in my life (now, don't get me wrong, I've gained every wonderful thing I have, but still) and I'm always worried that if I let anything else go, I'll get lost and float away. I don't want my world slipping through my fingers again. I don't want to build from the ground up again.
I'm better than that this time though. I have something that, no matter what, can keep me anchored. I found (refound?) something I needed, something that makes me feel wonderful. Something that's shown me the value of taking a risk, and saying "Damn the consequences".
I'm letting myself get hurt because it's the easier thing to do. This is a step right back to where I started, right back to where I promised I'd never end up again. There are no bruises, but it stings all the same. One of these days I'm going to find my missing resolve, and do what I've needed to do for a long time.
You know?