Try, Part 5
Part 4
Jensen headed to his locker at the end of the day, before heading off to practice for the musical. He walked down the hall, several students still milling about their own lockers. He got to his…and stared. He looked around, wondering if he was on the right floor or at the right locker. Then he realized he had to be, because he saw his name on it.
It was something the students did for each other on days like this, printing out dumb, fun little signs and taping them to each other’s lockers. It was colorful, celebratory, and Jensen never expected it to be done for him. He stepped closer, taking in the printed out pictures of cakes and balloons, a guitar and theatre masks, and the words “HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JENSEN” in bright, multicolored font. The printed pages were signed by Chad, Genevieve, Sandy, Danneel, and Jared. He stood disbelieving, amazed by the gesture and the actual happiness he pulled from it. He touched his hand to the covered locker, his fingers tracing over the repeated words. It felt too good to be true.
“Happy birthday, Jensen.” Jensen turned towards the voice and found Danneel standing before him, smiling shyly.
“Thank you,” he answered. He looked at the locker again and then back at her, smiling, wondering if it was the first time he’d actually smiled in a Waterville High hallway. “I mean, thank you. Really.”
“Come on.” Danneel rolled her eyes and slapped at Jensen’s arm. “Everyone deserves something special on their special day.” He smiled wider until her own smile slipped and she looked away. “I’m sorry about Riley. And everything.”
“Oh, that…” Jensen trailed off, shrugging. He wasn’t sure how much he still harbored against Jared’s - his - friends. But in that moment, he felt like it wouldn’t last. “I mean, I’m okay, and my car’s gonna be okay, so…it’s over.”
She looked up at him, hesitant. “Let me make it up to you? Although, really you’d be doing me a favor.” She laughed nervously and looked away again.
Jensen tilted his head curiously. “What?”
Danneel cleared her throat before continuing. “Seeing as how my ‘date,’ if we can call him that, is suspended and probably doomed to fines and community service, I was wondering if you’d go to the prom with me.” Jensen’s eyes widened, and Danneel held up a hand and added, “Just as a friend!”
“I don’t…I don’t know,” Jensen stuttered, completely stunned. He didn’t think that Danneel thought enough of him to ask. “I didn’t…I wasn’t planning on going.” It was true. He’d missed his senior prom last year, and being at Waterville now, he’d figured he’d just miss it again.
“It could be fun,” Danneel offered, hands holding the straps of her backpack. She shrugged, smiling again. “You missed a once in a lifetime event, and now you have the chance to do it again. How often does that happen?”
She was right about that, Jensen knew it. And somehow, with everything a little bit lighter and with actual friends in Waterville to celebrate his birthday, Jensen actually felt the push to do it. After everything that had happened, he was still alright. He was better than he’d thought he would be, and he had an inkling that he’d feel thankful for this year later. He agreed, and Danneel hugged him tight.
“You’ll have fun,” she said. “I promise.” She pulled away and then gave him an extra hug for his birthday.
Jensen went through his schoolbag and his locker, taking whatever he needed, and then walked off to the auditorium, pleasantly surprised by the smile that wouldn’t leave his face. There was a small part of him wondering if Jared would mind him going to the prom with Danneel, but he couldn’t worry about it now. He wasn’t completely ready to jump back into things with Jared, anyway. He’d let go of a lot of his pain when Mrs. Padalecki had visited, but there was still residual hurt and guilt that he had to deal with. He also still had to deal with his father. But, for the moment, he was actually a normal senior with friends who cared and a date to the prom.
He’d thought about his father ever since Jared’s mother had brought him up, and he knew that she was right. He had to talk to his father. He thought about what he’d promised his mother, how he wouldn’t be angry with his dad and wouldn’t leave him; how they’d still be a family. But living in the same house and barely speaking wasn’t the same thing as being a family. Jensen was breaking a promise, and he knew that he still harbored some resentment for the way that his father had run away when his mom was sick. He wasn’t so sure that he still resented his father for running away after she died and moving them to Waterville. Maybe that was turning out to be a step in the right direction.
If they’d never come here, Jensen would never have had Mrs. Padalecki to step in and comfort him, get him to let go. He never would have thought to confront his father about their lack of a relationship. He never would’ve taken the trip to Minnesota, and even if it hurt a little to think about that week and what happened after, it had still been one of the happiest times of his life. Maybe he would’ve found other things back in Hyannis to help him regain his footing after his mother’s death. Or maybe this was what he’d needed all along.
Jensen decided that night was the time to bite the bullet. He stood at the door of his father’s study, watching him sift through papers and scripts. “Dad?”
He felt a sense of nervous dread when he said it, the word feeling foreign on his lips. He hadn’t realized just how long it’d been since he’d asked for his father’s attention that way. The word settled over the room like a fog, his father pausing what he was doing and just sitting there, as if wondering whether he’d heard right. When he turned to Jensen, his face was carefully blank, as if he was trying too hard to not be surprised.
“Yes?”
“Dad, I’m…” Jensen trailed off, looking away. He didn’t know where or how to start. He felt lost in the conversation already, and they’d barely begun speaking. They’d even gotten through the fiasco with Riley and the car without saying much between them, Jensen downplaying it, and the two of them being too afraid to delve into their emotions around each other. He felt angry suddenly, thinking that any other parent would have shown a little more concern for their child in that situation, resentment flaring up inside of him. “How could you do it?” he found himself saying, and his pulse started racing. He’d never done this. He’d never asked that question. All this time, all the times he’d wanted to, he’d never done it.
His father stood up, staring at him, still carefully blank. “What? How could I do what?”
“Everything,” Jensen said, seething, wondering how his dad could be so clueless. He hadn’t thought he’d had any emotion left after talking to Jared’s mother, but he did, and it surprised him, his face burning with it. “You left mom, you left me. You left when she was dying, and you didn’t even care.”
His father’s face paled a little, his voice sounding weaker when he spoke again. “Jensen, it’s not like that. You don’t understand.”
Jensen’s fists curled up tight, palms still sore, those last words getting under his skin. “I don’t understand? Do you have any idea what I had to do?” Jensen asked, his voice wavering. “For her? Do you have any idea what I’ve been through?”
Alan stood, silent, and Jensen could feel his chest heaving. He’d expected to be met with anger at this confrontation, remembering the anger his father had shown other people who’d questioned his leaving. But now, here, being questioned by his own son, Alan Ackles was backing down. Jensen wasn’t sure how to take that. On one hand, it scared him, seeing a weakness in his father he’d never seen before. On the other, it allowed everything he’d bottled up to flow freely from him, no matter if it was still true or overly harsh.
“Do you even know anything about me anymore?” Jensen continued, his father refusing to look him straight in the eye. “I hated drama. For a long time. I never wanted to act. I didn’t wanna leave home. Everyone at Waterville hated me, and it was because of you.” Jensen felt himself choking up, and he paused, trying to compose himself. It was getting harder to talk through this. “I did everything you were supposed to do for Mom. And I was scared.” He swallowed hard after admitting that, swiping at the tears that were suddenly falling. “I did things no other kids my age did. I know how sick she was, how much pain she was in. I know how much she weighed when she died. I know how to plan a funeral.” He looked up at his father, unable to see his face properly through his blurred vision, wondering if any of this was getting through to him at all. “And I know that I could’ve died last week, and you barely even blinked. You still don’t care about me.”
Jensen was torn between those words feeling awful and wrong, and feeling right, fueled by the torture of two years. But he couldn’t stand there anymore, and his father said nothing. So he turned around and walked away, heading for his room. He was stopped just outside of it, suddenly grabbed and turned around.
“Jensen, wait, please, wait!” Jensen wiped at his eyes again and looked up at Alan, realizing now that there were tears in his eyes. “I’m sorry.”
Jensen could barely breathe around the lump in his throat. He’d never heard his father sound so broken, much like the way he’d sounded with Jared’s mother the other night, losing all control. He was suddenly pulled tight to Alan’s body, strong arms wrapped around him.
“Please, Jensen. I’m so sorry.”
He could feel and hear that his father was crying, and he closed his eyes, burying his face in his dad’s shoulder, the way he used to when he was small and things like this only happened to other people; never Jensen’s family. He waited, letting Alan cling to him and clinging back, savoring that moment of having a real parent again. Then he was pushed back, forced to see the anguish in his father’s eyes.
“I love you,” Alan said, wiping away the tears Jensen had let fall and leaving his own. “I loved her. I know it doesn’t seem that way, and I regret what I did every day of my life. I wasn’t strong enough then, and I’m not now. Some days, I don’t even know if I can keep going.” Alan set his hands on Jensen’s shoulders, gently squeezing them. “And then I remember that you’re here. And I can’t…”
Alan looked away and Jensen watched him, his eyes glued to this man he’d almost forgotten existed. His father kept going, “I didn’t know what to do…with you. I thought I should still make sure you were educated and involved, and I didn’t…I didn’t really look. Because I couldn’t face you.” He looked back at Jensen with a few stray tears still escaping his eyes. “I couldn’t face my own son, because I knew what I’d done to you. And I was afraid that you hated me for it. And I wouldn’t blame you if you did.” Alan looked lost, hopeless, but his hand still cupped Jensen’s cheek, eyes brimming with fear. “If anything had happened to you…it would’ve killed me.”
“Dad,” Jensen said, unable to say anything else in that moment. There were no other words to say, and he didn’t want to speak anymore, didn’t want to flesh out the anger, guilt, and sadness any longer. He just wanted to be held again, like years ago, and he was. His father wrapped him up in his arms, and Jensen hadn’t thought that his father could still read him that well. “Dad.”
They stayed like that for a long while, Alan gently rocking him. Jensen closed his eyes and fell into it. He thought about how most kids his age were dying to be treated like adults, and all he wanted was to feel like a kid again.
“You’re so brave,” Alan whispered, smoothing a hand through Jensen’s hair. “My brave boy.” Jensen heard a soft rush of breath, and then his father’s awed voice. “Nineteen.”
Jensen pulled back, staring at him. “You remembered?”
Alan gave him a watery smile. “I remember the day you were born like it was yesterday. One of the happiest days of my life.” The smile faded then. “I should’ve told you that sooner. I’ll make it up to you, I promise. We’ll find a way to celebrate.”
“It’s okay.” Jensen shrugged and looked away. “This is enough.” Saying that felt like admitting too much, showing just how lost he’d felt without his father, but it was the truth. They were really talking for the first time in two years. Somehow that meant more than presents and a birthday cake.
“I’m sorry, Jensen,” Alan continued. “I’m sorry I put so much on your shoulders. I’m sorry I made you feel like I didn’t care. I’m sorry I ruined everything for you.”
“You didn’t,” Jensen said, leaning back against the hallway wall. And after what they’d just been through, it finally felt like the truth. “Things got better at school. I have friends. I even actually kinda like acting now.” He shrugged, eyes on his hands. “Things kinda turned out okay here.”
“Good.” Alan looked relieved and happy, even proud. “I’m glad to hear it.”
“I’m going to the prom,” Jensen supplied, suddenly feeling nervous again. There was something more he had to say, and he wasn’t sure about risking it. But it was who he was now, even if he didn’t know what to do about it anymore. He just desperately needed the support of family, having been deprived of it for too long. “I’m going with this girl Danneel, just as friends. But, um…I…I kind of have feelings for someone else.”
Alan chuckled, patting Jensen’s knee. “Your mother always said you’d break all the ladies’ hearts.”
“His name’s Jared.” He spit the words out and let them drift between him and his father, waiting for an answer as his stomach tied itself in knots. “Dad, I’m gay.” The pause was a little shorter than Jensen had anticipated.
“Are you sure?” Jensen nodded, still watching his hands. Then his father’s hand was on his shoulder. “Okay.”
Jensen’s head snapped up to look at him. “Okay?”
Alan nodded, taking a deep breath. “Okay. Jensen, you’re all I have. I’ll take you however I can get you. If this is who you are, then…okay.”
Jensen swallowed and nodded, shaking slightly, even as he finally felt relieved and free. “What you said before, about…about being afraid that I hated you? I don’t. It all got to be so much, but…I still love you.”
“Thank you,” Alan said sincerely, pulling Jensen into another tight hug. “Thank you.”
Jared nearly fell out of his chair when Jensen walked into the cafeteria in the morning, headed for the breakfast table. He looked even better than before, even lighter, and he walked over with a shy smile, gesturing to a chair.
“Mind if I sit with you guys?”
Chad slid the chair out for him. “Have a seat.”
They talked, about prom and how they were all paired off, about Jensen’s locker and how grateful he was for the birthday wishes, about anything and everything that friends talk about when they hang out at school together. It warmed Jared to be there, to see it and be a part of it, with Jensen more firmly integrated into the group. He still didn’t push, and he and Jensen still didn’t linger or hang out together after school. But it was enough.
It was odd, working on the musical with Jensen. He still fed off of Jensen’s energy, still felt the connection there between them as they performed together. And this time, they were singing together, playing best friends. Jared hoped that Jensen didn’t see that as too far from real life.
The actual performance was powerful and disturbing, at least for Jared. They stood, acting out their parts in front of a crowd of people, lines and lyrics calling out to Jared in a way they never had before. They made him think of what had happened between him and Jensen, gave him something to tap into in front of the crowd. He felt it in Jensen as well.
“I started out on this alone,
And it's alone I'll see it through
To its conclusion!
Who are they
To judge what I am doing?”
…
“This increasing isolation only adds to your frustration.”
…
“John, I don’t need you to turn on me, as well. More than ever now I need a friend. Can’t you see and don’t you know I’ve been through hell? Don’t condemn what you don’t comprehend.”
It ended with Jekyll begging Utterson to kill him, and Utterson being unable to do so. It ended with Jensen pretending to impale himself on the fake swordstick that Jared was holding, Jared watching him die.
Jared’s mother hugged them both when it was all over. Jensen congratulated Jared on a job well done, but skipped the party for the cast and crew. Jared wasn’t sure he heard right when Jensen said that he had plans with his father.
The first week of April, Jared sat at the Thespian Society banquet, finally inducted. He received an honor certificate, as well as a cord and medallion to wear at graduation, and was notified of scholarships that he could apply for now that he was a member. It was a happy occasion, and he did feel proud of his accomplishments. He just felt that something was missing, especially since Jensen had helped him to earn his last few points. He walked to school the next day, only to stop short when he saw Jensen standing outside the side doors, waiting for him.
“How did it go?”
Jared stared for a while before answering. This was new, Jensen meeting him here. “Uh…great, I guess.”
Jensen pushed off of the door he’d been leaning on and walked towards Jared, settling a hesitant hand on Jared’s shoulder. “You did great. You deserve this. You should be happy.” Jensen smiled at him, nervous, but genuine. “I’m happy for you, asshole.”
Jared smiled, laughing with relief at the feel of Jensen touching him again. The fact that Jensen recalled the words Jared had spoken to him at the one-act play auditions made Jared giddy. “You mean it?”
“Of course I do,” Jensen said, his hand dropping back down to his side. “I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t.” Jared suddenly felt lighter than air. “I’m glad you got what you wanted, Jared.” Jensen’s shoulders sagged with remorse then, his gaze falling to his shoes. “And I’m sorry that I hit you. And that I didn’t apologize for that sooner. Or forgive you sooner.”
“You mean that?” Jared asked, swallowing, his heart filled with hope. “You forgive me? I mean…even if you still can’t trust me…”
“Give me a reason to,” Jensen said simply. Then he smiled. “Other than saving my life.” Jared grinned. “Try again.”
Jared couldn’t help himself. He reached for Jensen, pulling him in for a tight hug. “God, I’ve missed you.”
“Me too,” Jensen said, squeezing.
Jared pulled back, looking down at him. “Come over today?”
Jensen nodded. “Of course.”
They stood looking at each other, as if there was something more to say, and then they laughed awkwardly, Jared shaking his head at his lack of words. Then Jensen’s hand was reaching for him again, sliding around his neck and cupping the back of his head, pulling him down and in for a kiss.
Jared closed his eyes, his heart skipping when their lips brushed together. He was immediately reminded of tongues and bodies, beds and showers. But their kiss outside the school doors was chaste and soft, a new beginning.
“You know, we promised the girls we’d take them to the prom,” Jensen murmured against Jared’s lips.
Jared smiled. “It doesn’t matter who we show up with, just as long as I leave with you.”
Master Post
Jensen headed to his locker at the end of the day, before heading off to practice for the musical. He walked down the hall, several students still milling about their own lockers. He got to his…and stared. He looked around, wondering if he was on the right floor or at the right locker. Then he realized he had to be, because he saw his name on it.
It was something the students did for each other on days like this, printing out dumb, fun little signs and taping them to each other’s lockers. It was colorful, celebratory, and Jensen never expected it to be done for him. He stepped closer, taking in the printed out pictures of cakes and balloons, a guitar and theatre masks, and the words “HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JENSEN” in bright, multicolored font. The printed pages were signed by Chad, Genevieve, Sandy, Danneel, and Jared. He stood disbelieving, amazed by the gesture and the actual happiness he pulled from it. He touched his hand to the covered locker, his fingers tracing over the repeated words. It felt too good to be true.
“Happy birthday, Jensen.” Jensen turned towards the voice and found Danneel standing before him, smiling shyly.
“Thank you,” he answered. He looked at the locker again and then back at her, smiling, wondering if it was the first time he’d actually smiled in a Waterville High hallway. “I mean, thank you. Really.”
“Come on.” Danneel rolled her eyes and slapped at Jensen’s arm. “Everyone deserves something special on their special day.” He smiled wider until her own smile slipped and she looked away. “I’m sorry about Riley. And everything.”
“Oh, that…” Jensen trailed off, shrugging. He wasn’t sure how much he still harbored against Jared’s - his - friends. But in that moment, he felt like it wouldn’t last. “I mean, I’m okay, and my car’s gonna be okay, so…it’s over.”
She looked up at him, hesitant. “Let me make it up to you? Although, really you’d be doing me a favor.” She laughed nervously and looked away again.
Jensen tilted his head curiously. “What?”
Danneel cleared her throat before continuing. “Seeing as how my ‘date,’ if we can call him that, is suspended and probably doomed to fines and community service, I was wondering if you’d go to the prom with me.” Jensen’s eyes widened, and Danneel held up a hand and added, “Just as a friend!”
“I don’t…I don’t know,” Jensen stuttered, completely stunned. He didn’t think that Danneel thought enough of him to ask. “I didn’t…I wasn’t planning on going.” It was true. He’d missed his senior prom last year, and being at Waterville now, he’d figured he’d just miss it again.
“It could be fun,” Danneel offered, hands holding the straps of her backpack. She shrugged, smiling again. “You missed a once in a lifetime event, and now you have the chance to do it again. How often does that happen?”
She was right about that, Jensen knew it. And somehow, with everything a little bit lighter and with actual friends in Waterville to celebrate his birthday, Jensen actually felt the push to do it. After everything that had happened, he was still alright. He was better than he’d thought he would be, and he had an inkling that he’d feel thankful for this year later. He agreed, and Danneel hugged him tight.
“You’ll have fun,” she said. “I promise.” She pulled away and then gave him an extra hug for his birthday.
Jensen went through his schoolbag and his locker, taking whatever he needed, and then walked off to the auditorium, pleasantly surprised by the smile that wouldn’t leave his face. There was a small part of him wondering if Jared would mind him going to the prom with Danneel, but he couldn’t worry about it now. He wasn’t completely ready to jump back into things with Jared, anyway. He’d let go of a lot of his pain when Mrs. Padalecki had visited, but there was still residual hurt and guilt that he had to deal with. He also still had to deal with his father. But, for the moment, he was actually a normal senior with friends who cared and a date to the prom.
He’d thought about his father ever since Jared’s mother had brought him up, and he knew that she was right. He had to talk to his father. He thought about what he’d promised his mother, how he wouldn’t be angry with his dad and wouldn’t leave him; how they’d still be a family. But living in the same house and barely speaking wasn’t the same thing as being a family. Jensen was breaking a promise, and he knew that he still harbored some resentment for the way that his father had run away when his mom was sick. He wasn’t so sure that he still resented his father for running away after she died and moving them to Waterville. Maybe that was turning out to be a step in the right direction.
If they’d never come here, Jensen would never have had Mrs. Padalecki to step in and comfort him, get him to let go. He never would have thought to confront his father about their lack of a relationship. He never would’ve taken the trip to Minnesota, and even if it hurt a little to think about that week and what happened after, it had still been one of the happiest times of his life. Maybe he would’ve found other things back in Hyannis to help him regain his footing after his mother’s death. Or maybe this was what he’d needed all along.
Jensen decided that night was the time to bite the bullet. He stood at the door of his father’s study, watching him sift through papers and scripts. “Dad?”
He felt a sense of nervous dread when he said it, the word feeling foreign on his lips. He hadn’t realized just how long it’d been since he’d asked for his father’s attention that way. The word settled over the room like a fog, his father pausing what he was doing and just sitting there, as if wondering whether he’d heard right. When he turned to Jensen, his face was carefully blank, as if he was trying too hard to not be surprised.
“Yes?”
“Dad, I’m…” Jensen trailed off, looking away. He didn’t know where or how to start. He felt lost in the conversation already, and they’d barely begun speaking. They’d even gotten through the fiasco with Riley and the car without saying much between them, Jensen downplaying it, and the two of them being too afraid to delve into their emotions around each other. He felt angry suddenly, thinking that any other parent would have shown a little more concern for their child in that situation, resentment flaring up inside of him. “How could you do it?” he found himself saying, and his pulse started racing. He’d never done this. He’d never asked that question. All this time, all the times he’d wanted to, he’d never done it.
His father stood up, staring at him, still carefully blank. “What? How could I do what?”
“Everything,” Jensen said, seething, wondering how his dad could be so clueless. He hadn’t thought he’d had any emotion left after talking to Jared’s mother, but he did, and it surprised him, his face burning with it. “You left mom, you left me. You left when she was dying, and you didn’t even care.”
His father’s face paled a little, his voice sounding weaker when he spoke again. “Jensen, it’s not like that. You don’t understand.”
Jensen’s fists curled up tight, palms still sore, those last words getting under his skin. “I don’t understand? Do you have any idea what I had to do?” Jensen asked, his voice wavering. “For her? Do you have any idea what I’ve been through?”
Alan stood, silent, and Jensen could feel his chest heaving. He’d expected to be met with anger at this confrontation, remembering the anger his father had shown other people who’d questioned his leaving. But now, here, being questioned by his own son, Alan Ackles was backing down. Jensen wasn’t sure how to take that. On one hand, it scared him, seeing a weakness in his father he’d never seen before. On the other, it allowed everything he’d bottled up to flow freely from him, no matter if it was still true or overly harsh.
“Do you even know anything about me anymore?” Jensen continued, his father refusing to look him straight in the eye. “I hated drama. For a long time. I never wanted to act. I didn’t wanna leave home. Everyone at Waterville hated me, and it was because of you.” Jensen felt himself choking up, and he paused, trying to compose himself. It was getting harder to talk through this. “I did everything you were supposed to do for Mom. And I was scared.” He swallowed hard after admitting that, swiping at the tears that were suddenly falling. “I did things no other kids my age did. I know how sick she was, how much pain she was in. I know how much she weighed when she died. I know how to plan a funeral.” He looked up at his father, unable to see his face properly through his blurred vision, wondering if any of this was getting through to him at all. “And I know that I could’ve died last week, and you barely even blinked. You still don’t care about me.”
Jensen was torn between those words feeling awful and wrong, and feeling right, fueled by the torture of two years. But he couldn’t stand there anymore, and his father said nothing. So he turned around and walked away, heading for his room. He was stopped just outside of it, suddenly grabbed and turned around.
“Jensen, wait, please, wait!” Jensen wiped at his eyes again and looked up at Alan, realizing now that there were tears in his eyes. “I’m sorry.”
Jensen could barely breathe around the lump in his throat. He’d never heard his father sound so broken, much like the way he’d sounded with Jared’s mother the other night, losing all control. He was suddenly pulled tight to Alan’s body, strong arms wrapped around him.
“Please, Jensen. I’m so sorry.”
He could feel and hear that his father was crying, and he closed his eyes, burying his face in his dad’s shoulder, the way he used to when he was small and things like this only happened to other people; never Jensen’s family. He waited, letting Alan cling to him and clinging back, savoring that moment of having a real parent again. Then he was pushed back, forced to see the anguish in his father’s eyes.
“I love you,” Alan said, wiping away the tears Jensen had let fall and leaving his own. “I loved her. I know it doesn’t seem that way, and I regret what I did every day of my life. I wasn’t strong enough then, and I’m not now. Some days, I don’t even know if I can keep going.” Alan set his hands on Jensen’s shoulders, gently squeezing them. “And then I remember that you’re here. And I can’t…”
Alan looked away and Jensen watched him, his eyes glued to this man he’d almost forgotten existed. His father kept going, “I didn’t know what to do…with you. I thought I should still make sure you were educated and involved, and I didn’t…I didn’t really look. Because I couldn’t face you.” He looked back at Jensen with a few stray tears still escaping his eyes. “I couldn’t face my own son, because I knew what I’d done to you. And I was afraid that you hated me for it. And I wouldn’t blame you if you did.” Alan looked lost, hopeless, but his hand still cupped Jensen’s cheek, eyes brimming with fear. “If anything had happened to you…it would’ve killed me.”
“Dad,” Jensen said, unable to say anything else in that moment. There were no other words to say, and he didn’t want to speak anymore, didn’t want to flesh out the anger, guilt, and sadness any longer. He just wanted to be held again, like years ago, and he was. His father wrapped him up in his arms, and Jensen hadn’t thought that his father could still read him that well. “Dad.”
They stayed like that for a long while, Alan gently rocking him. Jensen closed his eyes and fell into it. He thought about how most kids his age were dying to be treated like adults, and all he wanted was to feel like a kid again.
“You’re so brave,” Alan whispered, smoothing a hand through Jensen’s hair. “My brave boy.” Jensen heard a soft rush of breath, and then his father’s awed voice. “Nineteen.”
Jensen pulled back, staring at him. “You remembered?”
Alan gave him a watery smile. “I remember the day you were born like it was yesterday. One of the happiest days of my life.” The smile faded then. “I should’ve told you that sooner. I’ll make it up to you, I promise. We’ll find a way to celebrate.”
“It’s okay.” Jensen shrugged and looked away. “This is enough.” Saying that felt like admitting too much, showing just how lost he’d felt without his father, but it was the truth. They were really talking for the first time in two years. Somehow that meant more than presents and a birthday cake.
“I’m sorry, Jensen,” Alan continued. “I’m sorry I put so much on your shoulders. I’m sorry I made you feel like I didn’t care. I’m sorry I ruined everything for you.”
“You didn’t,” Jensen said, leaning back against the hallway wall. And after what they’d just been through, it finally felt like the truth. “Things got better at school. I have friends. I even actually kinda like acting now.” He shrugged, eyes on his hands. “Things kinda turned out okay here.”
“Good.” Alan looked relieved and happy, even proud. “I’m glad to hear it.”
“I’m going to the prom,” Jensen supplied, suddenly feeling nervous again. There was something more he had to say, and he wasn’t sure about risking it. But it was who he was now, even if he didn’t know what to do about it anymore. He just desperately needed the support of family, having been deprived of it for too long. “I’m going with this girl Danneel, just as friends. But, um…I…I kind of have feelings for someone else.”
Alan chuckled, patting Jensen’s knee. “Your mother always said you’d break all the ladies’ hearts.”
“His name’s Jared.” He spit the words out and let them drift between him and his father, waiting for an answer as his stomach tied itself in knots. “Dad, I’m gay.” The pause was a little shorter than Jensen had anticipated.
“Are you sure?” Jensen nodded, still watching his hands. Then his father’s hand was on his shoulder. “Okay.”
Jensen’s head snapped up to look at him. “Okay?”
Alan nodded, taking a deep breath. “Okay. Jensen, you’re all I have. I’ll take you however I can get you. If this is who you are, then…okay.”
Jensen swallowed and nodded, shaking slightly, even as he finally felt relieved and free. “What you said before, about…about being afraid that I hated you? I don’t. It all got to be so much, but…I still love you.”
“Thank you,” Alan said sincerely, pulling Jensen into another tight hug. “Thank you.”
Jared nearly fell out of his chair when Jensen walked into the cafeteria in the morning, headed for the breakfast table. He looked even better than before, even lighter, and he walked over with a shy smile, gesturing to a chair.
“Mind if I sit with you guys?”
Chad slid the chair out for him. “Have a seat.”
They talked, about prom and how they were all paired off, about Jensen’s locker and how grateful he was for the birthday wishes, about anything and everything that friends talk about when they hang out at school together. It warmed Jared to be there, to see it and be a part of it, with Jensen more firmly integrated into the group. He still didn’t push, and he and Jensen still didn’t linger or hang out together after school. But it was enough.
It was odd, working on the musical with Jensen. He still fed off of Jensen’s energy, still felt the connection there between them as they performed together. And this time, they were singing together, playing best friends. Jared hoped that Jensen didn’t see that as too far from real life.
The actual performance was powerful and disturbing, at least for Jared. They stood, acting out their parts in front of a crowd of people, lines and lyrics calling out to Jared in a way they never had before. They made him think of what had happened between him and Jensen, gave him something to tap into in front of the crowd. He felt it in Jensen as well.
“I started out on this alone,
And it's alone I'll see it through
To its conclusion!
Who are they
To judge what I am doing?”
…
“This increasing isolation only adds to your frustration.”
…
“John, I don’t need you to turn on me, as well. More than ever now I need a friend. Can’t you see and don’t you know I’ve been through hell? Don’t condemn what you don’t comprehend.”
It ended with Jekyll begging Utterson to kill him, and Utterson being unable to do so. It ended with Jensen pretending to impale himself on the fake swordstick that Jared was holding, Jared watching him die.
Jared’s mother hugged them both when it was all over. Jensen congratulated Jared on a job well done, but skipped the party for the cast and crew. Jared wasn’t sure he heard right when Jensen said that he had plans with his father.
The first week of April, Jared sat at the Thespian Society banquet, finally inducted. He received an honor certificate, as well as a cord and medallion to wear at graduation, and was notified of scholarships that he could apply for now that he was a member. It was a happy occasion, and he did feel proud of his accomplishments. He just felt that something was missing, especially since Jensen had helped him to earn his last few points. He walked to school the next day, only to stop short when he saw Jensen standing outside the side doors, waiting for him.
“How did it go?”
Jared stared for a while before answering. This was new, Jensen meeting him here. “Uh…great, I guess.”
Jensen pushed off of the door he’d been leaning on and walked towards Jared, settling a hesitant hand on Jared’s shoulder. “You did great. You deserve this. You should be happy.” Jensen smiled at him, nervous, but genuine. “I’m happy for you, asshole.”
Jared smiled, laughing with relief at the feel of Jensen touching him again. The fact that Jensen recalled the words Jared had spoken to him at the one-act play auditions made Jared giddy. “You mean it?”
“Of course I do,” Jensen said, his hand dropping back down to his side. “I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t.” Jared suddenly felt lighter than air. “I’m glad you got what you wanted, Jared.” Jensen’s shoulders sagged with remorse then, his gaze falling to his shoes. “And I’m sorry that I hit you. And that I didn’t apologize for that sooner. Or forgive you sooner.”
“You mean that?” Jared asked, swallowing, his heart filled with hope. “You forgive me? I mean…even if you still can’t trust me…”
“Give me a reason to,” Jensen said simply. Then he smiled. “Other than saving my life.” Jared grinned. “Try again.”
Jared couldn’t help himself. He reached for Jensen, pulling him in for a tight hug. “God, I’ve missed you.”
“Me too,” Jensen said, squeezing.
Jared pulled back, looking down at him. “Come over today?”
Jensen nodded. “Of course.”
They stood looking at each other, as if there was something more to say, and then they laughed awkwardly, Jared shaking his head at his lack of words. Then Jensen’s hand was reaching for him again, sliding around his neck and cupping the back of his head, pulling him down and in for a kiss.
Jared closed his eyes, his heart skipping when their lips brushed together. He was immediately reminded of tongues and bodies, beds and showers. But their kiss outside the school doors was chaste and soft, a new beginning.
“You know, we promised the girls we’d take them to the prom,” Jensen murmured against Jared’s lips.
Jared smiled. “It doesn’t matter who we show up with, just as long as I leave with you.”
Master Post