Feed Your Head, Part 5
Feed Your Head, Part 5
Jared woke slowly, then started, his heart beating fast. It was light out, and he was still in the grass, after the Jabberwock had come for them…
“It’s okay.” Danneel’s hand touched his shoulder, and Jared heaved a sigh of relief. He turned to face her and Jensen, happy to see them alive and well, but wondering why they were still here.
“You let me sleep?” He sat up straighter, rubbing at his eyes. “How long have I been out? Shouldn’t we have been on the road by now?”
“You needed the rest,” Danneel said, and before she could say anything more, she pulled him into a tight hug. He looked at Jensen over her shoulder, bewildered, but Jensen just smiled back at him. “You have both of us to come to if you need someone to talk to when we get home.”
Jared pulled back, suddenly self-conscious about what he’d said the night before. “I know. Thank you. Both of you.” He hesitated a moment, clearing his throat. “I’m sorry I had a really dramatic meltdown that led the Jabberwock right to us and almost got us killed?”
Danneel cuffed him lightly, laughing at him. Then she sobered and took a second to squeeze his hand. “I’m sorry we didn’t think about how you were affected by all this.” Her brow furrowed as she frowned. “And a little disturbed that we didn’t care about what happened to the Queen, either. Everything here is just so hard to grasp, even after all this time.”
“Same here,” Jensen said, getting to his feet, and offering both of them a hand to help them up. “And she’s right.” He focused on Jared while his arm wrapped around Danneel. “What happened last night wasn’t your fault.”
Jared nodded, grateful to not have that weight on his shoulders. “How about we all get a clean slate?”
“Deal,” Danneel and Jensen spoke simultaneously, and the three of them laughed and made their way back to the edge of the grass, closer to the road to keep an eye on their progress.
****
It was odd, finally reaching their destination. How real would all of this seem when they were back on the other side of the looking glass? How long would it take for all of this to be fuzzy, dream-like memories? Or would they never truly feel normal again? What if Jared needed more help than Jensen and Danneel could provide? How could they possibly explain their absence from their world?
Jensen thought all of these things as they approached the looking glass, finally stepping out onto the road. They all paused, possibly all sharing the same thoughts and feelings about their return. Jensen turned back and looked at it all, the too-bright colors, the strange light, the mushrooms belonging to the Caterpillar that they’d carefully worked their way past without being seen. He looked back at Wonderland, taking it all in and then wondering if he really even wanted to remember any of this. He took a deep breath and turned back to the looking glass, hands held out to his sides.
“Alright. Let’s make sure we do this right, and we all get through together.”
Danneel’s slender hand took his right, Jared’s larger one fitting into his left. He tightened his grip on both of them, gaze focused straight ahead, and stepped forward. They moved in sync, coming closer and closer to the looking glass.
The force of it pushing them away was unexpected, and Jensen stumbled back, pulling them with him and then fighting to right himself so that they wouldn’t fall. He felt the breath knocked out of him, not just from the push, but the thought of them being unable to leave. He tightened his grip on their hands even more.
“One more time,” he said, determined to make it through this time. But the push came again, and the three of them reeled backward, their hands loosening and coming apart. “NO!” Jensen shouted, dread and rage suddenly filling his chest. “No, this can’t be happening, not now!”
“Maybe the Hatter needs to be here?” Jared sounded just as panicked as Jensen felt, and when Jensen looked up, he saw the fear in Jared’s eyes.
Jensen thought for a moment, or, rather, tried to calm the flow of thoughts in his head. “No,” he said finally, trying to make sense of this. “No, that doesn’t make sense, you and I came through without him.”
“Are we stuck here?” Danneel asked, and Jensen turned to her, his mouth falling open but not knowing what to say. He just wanted this to be over.
“You’re not all stuck.”
The voice startled them all and sent a chill down Jensen’s spine, though it did seem eerily familiar. He looked around, eyes darting in every direction. Then he saw the grin facing up at him from the ground, eyes eventually appearing above it, then the brightly furred body and tail of the Cat.
“You’re not all stuck,” it repeated, and Jensen had never felt the urge to harm an animal before now. “But the Mad Hatter’s exit has certain rules.”
“How do you know?”
“I know things,” the Cat said casually, answering Jensen and weaving its way through his legs. “The number that enters must match the number that leaves.”
The Cat disappeared and reappeared behind Jensen, and he wheeled to face it. “What are you talking about?”
“I believe you came in pairs, didn’t you?” The Cat paused and looked pointedly at the three of them. “You’re a threesome now.”
“Oh, you’ve gotta be kidding me,” Jensen growled, stepping towards the Cat. His heart was sinking, but he was still trying to deny it. “We can’t leave because there are three of us instead of two? That’s fucking ridiculous!”
“I never said the rules made sense,” the Cat snapped, its eyes narrowing before it disappeared and reappeared by Jared’s left foot. “We are in Wonderland, after all. But if you want to leave, you’ll have to leave someone behind.” The Cat rubbed up against Jared’s leg, and its grin seemed more evil than it ever had.
Jensen’s stomach dropped, and his throat went dry. He looked up at Jared, dismayed, but Jared’s eyes were on the ground, his shoulders slumped in defeat. “No, Jared…We’ll find another way,” he said lamely, and Jared shook his head and finally lifted his gaze to Jensen’s.
“We don’t even know if there is another way.” Jared paused to collect himself, and Jensen’s heart broke. Nothing about this was fair. “This is the easiest, fastest way for you to save your family and keep it together. I’m not getting in the way of that.”
“You have a family, too.” Danneel said, stepping forward. “Jared, I said we’d all leave here together.”
“I know that was the plan,” Jared said gently, and Jensen wondered just how much more his best friend would have to endure. “But nobody saw this coming. We’re in danger as long as we’re here, and your family needs to have more of a chance than this. At least I know mine’s safe.” Looked away, trying to fight his tears. “I’ve had the chance to be a parent. You go do that. Just make sure you tell my family that I love them more than anything.”
“Then tell them we left you here in another dimension?” Jensen shook his head violently, still trying hard to fight this. “No. No, Jared, I can’t do that. As far as we know, when we leave here, we won’t be able to help you. I don’t have a magic hat to get back here.”
“Look, I’ll find another way,” Jared said, his tone hard and insistent. “You think I’m giving up on getting back home? Of course not. I don’t know if another way exists, but I’ll try everything in my power to find it. But this, right now? You have to take this.”
Jensen faltered and looked over at his wife. Danneel stood, staring away somewhere as tears rolled down her cheeks. Her hand had settled low over her stomach. He looked at her, thought of her, thought of their baby, and when she turned to look at him, he saw that she had already accepted Jared’s words, as much as she didn’t want to. He hung his head, squeezing his eyes shut and wishing he could make this all go away somehow. He knew what he had to do, but that didn’t make it any easier.
“It’s okay.” Jensen looked up at Jared, who managed to smile at both of them, wiping away tears. “We’re all family, right? But you two…You took vows, you promised everything to each other, and you deserve this chance, right here, right now. It’s what you have to do.” Jared’s eyes focused on Jensen. “It’s what you’d tell me to do if our positions were reversed.”
Jensen couldn’t argue with that. If Jared and Gen were standing here before him, he’d undoubtedly tell them to go home without him.
A roar broke the moment, sounding in the distance, and Jensen’s heart started pounding. Jared’s eyes widened in panic before he brought them under control and showed his calm face to Jensen, trying to make this easier, though it never could be.
“That thing is coming for you, specifically,” Jensen said, his voice raspy and tired, stretching over the lump growing in his throat.
Jared’s smile wavered, then grew a little wider. “You’d better let me get a head start, then.”
Jensen felt his chest start heaving, felt the tears coming as they blurred his vision. “I might never see you again.”
Jared grabbed both him and Danneel in a hug, and Jensen held on tight, hardly able to breathe. “We’ll all see each other again someday, right?” Another roar sounded, closer this time, and Jared gave them both a squeeze. “I love you both.”
“We love you,” Danneel said, and Jensen barely processed her “I’m sorry” before her hand was gripping his and pulling him through the looking glass.
****
Danneel cried out and steadied herself on Jensen’s form, the shock of suddenly being back in their own world harsh and disorienting. She looked around, confused, no sign of the myriad of doors inside the hat or the hat itself, but the last thing she understood was magic. She blinked repeatedly, everything here seeming dim or dull somehow in comparison to the vivid atmosphere of Wonderland.
It took Danneel a moment to adjust, her mind reeling and almost feeling an edge of the madness she’d felt upon entering Wonderland. Part of her almost wondered if she’d just woken up from a dream. But then she turned to her husband and saw the tears in his eyes. She bit her lip and swallowed against the lump in her throat. Of course they’d already known that leaving Wonderland would be permanent, but the realization still hit her hard. No sign of the hat meant no way of helping Jared out of there. It wasn’t the first time she felt guilty about all that had happened, but the guilt was so much worse than before, making her feel hollow. Deep down, she knew it wasn’t her fault, but Jared had gone to Wonderland to save her, and now he was trapped there, with no conceivable way out. It wasn’t fair. She hugged Jensen, the two of them holding each other tight among the trees.
“What do we do now?” Jensen asked, his voice hoarse. Danneel shook her head against his shoulder.
“I don’t know. Wait.” She pulled back, fumbling to pull her phone out of her jeans pocket. It couldn’t have much power left, but she tried turning it on anyway and was rewarded with a display screen with a low battery, as well as the date and time. She stared at it for a few minutes, trying to make sense of it. “Jensen…we’ve only been gone 7 hours.”
Jensen’s eyes snapped to hers, wide and confused, mouth hanging open. “What?”
“I guess time is different there? We know people there age much slower than we do, right? ”
“So…for every hour we’re here…Jared’s there for a day?”
Danneel fought to keep her chin from trembling, and she turned away for a moment, taking a deep breath. “I don’t think anybody saw us.”
“What?”
She turned back around to face Jensen, thoughts racing to figure out what their next step should be. “On the path, before we left here, when the Hatter grabbed me. It was early, and not many people were around. I don’t think anybody saw us. If we’ve only been gone for 7 hours and nobody saw us, then we probably won’t have to explain anything to anybody, right?”
Jensen’s head tilted as he eyed her, still confused and a little angry. She didn’t blame him. She still had more to explain. “Except Jared’s missing.”
“I know,” she said, stepping forward and taking Jensen’s hand. “That’s why we’re going to Gen now. I have something we can show her to help her understand.”
****
Jared nearly dropped to his knees when Jensen and Danneel disappeared through the looking glass, his chest heaving with a choked-off sob. Instead, he ran, as fast as he could manage, running into the tall grass on the opposite side of the path. He wasn’t sure how much shelter it would offer from the Jabberwock during the day, but it was his only chance.
Or maybe not his only chance. Towering over the grass were the caps of the Caterpillar’s mushrooms. Jared sprinted towards them and threw himself beneath the one lowest to the ground just as he heard wings pass by overhead. He hadn’t realized he was shaking, his heart thundering in his chest. He could feel himself beginning to hyperventilate and he closed his eyes, trying to focus on anything but the roar from above. He couldn’t panic now. He needed to stay quiet and hidden.
Jared didn’t think about the Caterpillar much. The Jabberwock was a much bigger threat to his life, even with the hookah incident. The minutes that passed were agonizing, the Jabberwock growing more and more frustrated in his fruitless search. With his next breath, Jared suddenly inhaled something sweet-smelling that sent his mind reeling. He opened his eyes and saw smoke. He knew it was from the Caterpillar’s hookah, and this time he couldn’t escape the effects of it, slipping into a semi-conscious state.
“You can come out now.”
The voice sounded far away, until a hand started tapping at Jared’s cheeks, waking him up. Jared opened his eyes to see the Caterpillar bending over the edge of the smallest mushroom, staring at him.
“The Monster is gone,” it declared easily, moving out of Jared’s sight. Jared gripped the edge of the mushroom and righted himself, the Caterpillar looking back over its shoulder at him. “The smoke covered your smell,” it said, as if Jared’s smell was particularly unpleasant. “You hid well. It’s gone. For now.”
Jared climbed up onto the mushroom and carefully approached the Caterpillar, who airily turned its back on him. “Thank you,” he said gratefully. “Why did you help me?”
“You killed the Queen,” it answered, shrugging nonchalantly. “All of us owe you.” The Caterpillar paused, then raised an eyebrow at him, clearly wondering why Jared was still there. The Caterpillar owed him, but that didn’t make him overly welcome. "Have you made any friends here?" It sounded as though it doubted the possibility, after what Jared had done to it.
"I have," Jared said, knowing he had to flee back to Haigha's home. "Thank you."
Jared set off at a brisk pace, legs feeling wobbly from his slow recovery, the effects of the hookah smoke, and the painful mixed emotions of the day. He kept to the grass once again, knowing that if he stopped to rest this time, he wouldn't have a friend on either side of him to keep the chill and fear of the night away. So, he walked, barely dragging along by the time night did come on. He was tired, his entire body aching. He tried to focus on those aches rather than his wandering thoughts, but that wasn't exactly helping.
Jared took a chance and moved out onto the road to better gauge how close he was. He could see Haigha's front door from where he stood. He swayed on his feet and tried to keep going. When he reached the door, he collapsed against the wood instead of knocking, the thud of his body enough to wake the Hare inside.
Haigha's eyes widened when he saw Jared, then clouded with dismay. He didn't ask, not yet, and Jared was grateful, nearly falling through the door as Haigha ushered him in.
****
Jensen mutely followed Danneel to Jared and Gen's apartment in Vancouver. He was afraid of what he might say and what feelings might be released if he opened his mouth. He didn't hold anybody responsible for what happened, but the guilt and anger roiling inside of him were ugly things that could easily lead to grave mistakes. He had no idea what Danneel had in mind, but assumed he'd find out when they got there, his own mind still picturing Jared left behind in Wonderland, the Jabberwock hot on his heels.
He wasn't sure what to say to Gen when they arrived, though the looks on both his and Danneel's faces immediately caused Gen concern. They were inside and seated, Jensen silently listening to Danneel explain what happened, the actual truth, and waiting for the reaction he knew was coming.
Gen barked a laugh, her concern fading, though she remained wary, Jensen and Danneel still deadly serious. "Did he put you up to this? Because I'll kill him! I've been really worried, he's never gone for this long on a run, and he hasn't answered my calls." Though she didn't believe them, she didn't sound like she believed Jared would ever do such a thing, either. He was a prankster, but he wouldn't make her worry for no good reason.
"I can prove it," Danneel said gently, her tone apologetic and unperturbed. She called Sadie over, and Jensen frowned at her, confused. Then Danneel pulled something from her left pocket and broke off no more than a crumb, feeding it to the dog. Sadie was instantly puppy-sized again, her startled bark high-pitched. Gen bolted up from her chair, staring at the miniature dog. Jensen would have followed if he hadn't already been met with so many surprises. Danneel quickly fed Sadie a different-colored crumb from her right pocket, and Sadie grew back to normal, her ears pressing back as she whined and shivered. "Sorry, girl," Danneel murmured, patting her on the head.
"Get out," Gen said icily, and Jensen looked up at her, stood with Danneel to face her.
"Gen..."
"You left him there!" Gen shouted, tears beginning to build in her eyes as she realized they were telling the truth. She cradled her head in her hands for a moment, and Jensen knew she was battling everything that was telling her she was crazy.
"Gen, we had to," Danneel said softly, her own voice breaking. "I'm so sorry."
Gen turned away, hand over her mouth. They waited in silence for what seemed like hours, and Jensen was reminded that every hour was a day in Wonderland for Jared.
"What am I supposed to do?" Gen asked, turning back to them, her eyes red and wet. This wasn't a breakdown, not yet. It was too new, too bizarre.
"We'll do everything we can to help," Jensen said, and he meant it. He wasn't going to leave Jared behind and leave Gen as a single mother. Danneel nodded beside him. "We'll help you and Thomas until we...figure something out."
"You don't even know how to find him," Gen whispered, tears leaving trails on her cheeks, and Jensen looked away, swallowing against the guilt.
"There has to be a way," Danneel insisted. She hesitated, then continued. "In the meantime, we have to treat this like a normal missing person’s case."
"You want me to call the police and lie to them?"
Jensen felt every bit as incredulous as Gen sounded, but Danneel was right. They would all have to act now, or they would be questioned. Jared was missing, and they couldn't convince the world that he'd been trapped in Wonderland. Even with the mushrooms, the only reason Gen believed them was because she also knew them well enough to know that they wouldn't have harmed Jared. The rest of the world didn't.
"You called us after 7 hours passed," Danneel said, and Jensen was grateful to her for taking charge. He didn't have the strength. "We told you we saw him running in Stanley Park this morning. He stopped to say hi, and then we went our separate ways. Neither of us has heard from him since. He just went missing."
****
Jared dreamed of home, of Gen, Thomas, the dogs, Jensen, Danneel, their new baby. He dreamed for so long and so vividly that it felt real. When he woke, he smiled and turned over to wrap his arm around Gen, eyes still closed. He sighed and opened his eyes when he didn’t feel her there, the world he’d dreamed of crashing down around him when he saw the dimly lit confines of the hay-filled room in Haigha’s cottage. He closed his eyes again, squeezing them shut and turning his face into the soft hay, trying to tell himself that this wasn’t hopeless, and he shouldn’t cry. If anything, he felt well-rested, but for what? What did he have to look forward to, aside from searching this terrible world for a way out that may not even exist while avoiding the monster looking to kill him?
He laid there for a long while. He wasn’t sure how long he’d slept or how long he stayed in bed. He felt sick, emotions tumbling around in his chest, his stomach. Of course he’d done the right thing. Jensen and Danneel needed to get home, to protect their baby. But part of him still ached, wishing he’d gone with them, as it would. Jared wasn’t perfect, not by a long shot, and he couldn’t hide behind some façade of bravery and honor. It wasn’t as if he wouldn’t do it all over again, but he couldn’t help the feelings of regret, anger, and even a little betrayal, even if he knew it was wrong. This was harder than anything Jared had ever faced, even staring down the Queen. Somehow it seemed easier to make a stand when you knew you were going to die. But Jared hadn’t died. Jared was left here, alone, hunted and possibly never able to go back home. Part of Jared wished he had died at the hands of the Queen; that he’d managed to save Jensen and Danneel, but that his heart had been crushed by the Queen’s hands in her death throes, or on the ground, where it fell.
“You’re awake.”
Haigha. Jared wasn’t alone, after all. He supposed he could be grateful for that, at least. Haigha’s voice wasn’t questioning or pressing, just stating a fact.
“Yeah,” Jared croaked, his voice rough and raw from sleep. “Lucky me.”
“Can you tell me what happened?”
Jared turned to face Haigha and softened when he saw the concern in the Hare’s features. “Apparently, there are rules,” he murmured, sighing again. “We entered in pairs. We had to leave in pairs.”
Haigha blinked. “Then you just need someone to go with you?” he asked, voice rising slightly with cautious optimism.
“No.” Jared shook his head. “There’s nobody here that I’d drag through that looking glass with me.” He grimaced after he said it. “No offense.”
Haigha waved his hands. “None taken. From the way you all reacted when you first saw me, I’d wager there aren’t many Hares like me in your world.”
Jared managed a smile. “No, not quite. Not that we couldn’t use some.” Haigha bowed his head slightly at the compliment. “But I’m certainly not taking the Hatter with me, if he’s even still around. I know it’s his hat, and he can probably find a way through, anyway, but I’d be as insane as he is if I gave him a written invitation. Besides, it’s like you said. Everyone in Wonderland knows that they belong here. I know that they belong here. I’m not messing up the order of things just so I can go home.”
“Well…I don’t know of any other way back to your home,” Haigha sighed. “But I will try to help you find one. We’ll have to go further into Wonderland, talk to more of the citizens here. If the Hatter could make a way out, there has to be another way.”
“Haigha…” Jared pushed himself up into a sitting position with some effort, rubbing a hand over his face. He was truly touched by the Hare’s offer, but it seemed too much. “I’m sure I will get out there to try and find some way to get back home. But if I do, it’ll be dangerous. The Jabberwock is after me.”
“I’m well aware.” Haigha straightened his spine, eyes narrowing at Jared. “You think I haven’t taken any risks by helping you ever since you got here?”
Jared paused and hung his head. He’d managed to offend the one true friend he had here in Wonderland. “Of course you have. I know you have. And I’m…beyond grateful.” He looked back up at Haigha, hoping he could say something that wouldn’t come out wrong. “But that’s why I’d rather you stay here. You’re all that I have here, and you’ve done so much for us already. If anything happened to you because you followed me out there on some wild goose chase, I’d never be able to forgive myself. I’d probably just lie back and wait for the fuckin’ Jabberwock to take me.”
Haigha relaxed then, stepping over to sit down next to him on the hay. A paw warmed Jared’s shoulder, and while it was a welcome feeling, it made Jared ache for his friends and family at home. “It wouldn’t be your fault,” Haigha said gently. “I’d be going of my own free will, which I’m happy to have back. I gave it up while I was helping the Queen and the Hatter, and I regained it when I met you and your friends. I want to help you. You think I can bear sitting in here alone wondering if you ever made it home or died on the road any more than you can bear the thought of me dying to help you?”
Jared glanced at Haigha, then looked away, speechless for a moment. “Touché.” There were times even at home when he felt he didn’t deserve the loyalty and affection he was given. He felt that way now, but it still warmed him, and he couldn’t push it aside. “Why don’t we do this the right way, then? I want to get home as soon as possible, but the last time I left here, I still wasn’t quite strong enough. I slowed my friends down, and I could’ve gotten them killed. I want to be ready for a long journey.”
“Good.” Haigha nodded and stood. “You’ll need it. You can rest here as long you like, and I’ll be sure you’re well-fed-”
“Please.” Jared stood, too, unsteady, but better with the amount of sleep he’d had. “I don’t want you slaving over me while I’m here. I know I’m recovering, but let me help you wherever I can.”
Haigha smiled. “Agreed. Once you’re feeling absolutely 100%, we’ll pack some provisions and head out, keeping off the main road as much as possible.”
Jared shifted on his feet. “Well…” He couldn’t help smiling, beginning to feel some hope again, now that he had some steps to take. “I guess that’s a plan.”
Part 6
Jared woke slowly, then started, his heart beating fast. It was light out, and he was still in the grass, after the Jabberwock had come for them…
“It’s okay.” Danneel’s hand touched his shoulder, and Jared heaved a sigh of relief. He turned to face her and Jensen, happy to see them alive and well, but wondering why they were still here.
“You let me sleep?” He sat up straighter, rubbing at his eyes. “How long have I been out? Shouldn’t we have been on the road by now?”
“You needed the rest,” Danneel said, and before she could say anything more, she pulled him into a tight hug. He looked at Jensen over her shoulder, bewildered, but Jensen just smiled back at him. “You have both of us to come to if you need someone to talk to when we get home.”
Jared pulled back, suddenly self-conscious about what he’d said the night before. “I know. Thank you. Both of you.” He hesitated a moment, clearing his throat. “I’m sorry I had a really dramatic meltdown that led the Jabberwock right to us and almost got us killed?”
Danneel cuffed him lightly, laughing at him. Then she sobered and took a second to squeeze his hand. “I’m sorry we didn’t think about how you were affected by all this.” Her brow furrowed as she frowned. “And a little disturbed that we didn’t care about what happened to the Queen, either. Everything here is just so hard to grasp, even after all this time.”
“Same here,” Jensen said, getting to his feet, and offering both of them a hand to help them up. “And she’s right.” He focused on Jared while his arm wrapped around Danneel. “What happened last night wasn’t your fault.”
Jared nodded, grateful to not have that weight on his shoulders. “How about we all get a clean slate?”
“Deal,” Danneel and Jensen spoke simultaneously, and the three of them laughed and made their way back to the edge of the grass, closer to the road to keep an eye on their progress.
****
It was odd, finally reaching their destination. How real would all of this seem when they were back on the other side of the looking glass? How long would it take for all of this to be fuzzy, dream-like memories? Or would they never truly feel normal again? What if Jared needed more help than Jensen and Danneel could provide? How could they possibly explain their absence from their world?
Jensen thought all of these things as they approached the looking glass, finally stepping out onto the road. They all paused, possibly all sharing the same thoughts and feelings about their return. Jensen turned back and looked at it all, the too-bright colors, the strange light, the mushrooms belonging to the Caterpillar that they’d carefully worked their way past without being seen. He looked back at Wonderland, taking it all in and then wondering if he really even wanted to remember any of this. He took a deep breath and turned back to the looking glass, hands held out to his sides.
“Alright. Let’s make sure we do this right, and we all get through together.”
Danneel’s slender hand took his right, Jared’s larger one fitting into his left. He tightened his grip on both of them, gaze focused straight ahead, and stepped forward. They moved in sync, coming closer and closer to the looking glass.
The force of it pushing them away was unexpected, and Jensen stumbled back, pulling them with him and then fighting to right himself so that they wouldn’t fall. He felt the breath knocked out of him, not just from the push, but the thought of them being unable to leave. He tightened his grip on their hands even more.
“One more time,” he said, determined to make it through this time. But the push came again, and the three of them reeled backward, their hands loosening and coming apart. “NO!” Jensen shouted, dread and rage suddenly filling his chest. “No, this can’t be happening, not now!”
“Maybe the Hatter needs to be here?” Jared sounded just as panicked as Jensen felt, and when Jensen looked up, he saw the fear in Jared’s eyes.
Jensen thought for a moment, or, rather, tried to calm the flow of thoughts in his head. “No,” he said finally, trying to make sense of this. “No, that doesn’t make sense, you and I came through without him.”
“Are we stuck here?” Danneel asked, and Jensen turned to her, his mouth falling open but not knowing what to say. He just wanted this to be over.
“You’re not all stuck.”
The voice startled them all and sent a chill down Jensen’s spine, though it did seem eerily familiar. He looked around, eyes darting in every direction. Then he saw the grin facing up at him from the ground, eyes eventually appearing above it, then the brightly furred body and tail of the Cat.
“You’re not all stuck,” it repeated, and Jensen had never felt the urge to harm an animal before now. “But the Mad Hatter’s exit has certain rules.”
“How do you know?”
“I know things,” the Cat said casually, answering Jensen and weaving its way through his legs. “The number that enters must match the number that leaves.”
The Cat disappeared and reappeared behind Jensen, and he wheeled to face it. “What are you talking about?”
“I believe you came in pairs, didn’t you?” The Cat paused and looked pointedly at the three of them. “You’re a threesome now.”
“Oh, you’ve gotta be kidding me,” Jensen growled, stepping towards the Cat. His heart was sinking, but he was still trying to deny it. “We can’t leave because there are three of us instead of two? That’s fucking ridiculous!”
“I never said the rules made sense,” the Cat snapped, its eyes narrowing before it disappeared and reappeared by Jared’s left foot. “We are in Wonderland, after all. But if you want to leave, you’ll have to leave someone behind.” The Cat rubbed up against Jared’s leg, and its grin seemed more evil than it ever had.
Jensen’s stomach dropped, and his throat went dry. He looked up at Jared, dismayed, but Jared’s eyes were on the ground, his shoulders slumped in defeat. “No, Jared…We’ll find another way,” he said lamely, and Jared shook his head and finally lifted his gaze to Jensen’s.
“We don’t even know if there is another way.” Jared paused to collect himself, and Jensen’s heart broke. Nothing about this was fair. “This is the easiest, fastest way for you to save your family and keep it together. I’m not getting in the way of that.”
“You have a family, too.” Danneel said, stepping forward. “Jared, I said we’d all leave here together.”
“I know that was the plan,” Jared said gently, and Jensen wondered just how much more his best friend would have to endure. “But nobody saw this coming. We’re in danger as long as we’re here, and your family needs to have more of a chance than this. At least I know mine’s safe.” Looked away, trying to fight his tears. “I’ve had the chance to be a parent. You go do that. Just make sure you tell my family that I love them more than anything.”
“Then tell them we left you here in another dimension?” Jensen shook his head violently, still trying hard to fight this. “No. No, Jared, I can’t do that. As far as we know, when we leave here, we won’t be able to help you. I don’t have a magic hat to get back here.”
“Look, I’ll find another way,” Jared said, his tone hard and insistent. “You think I’m giving up on getting back home? Of course not. I don’t know if another way exists, but I’ll try everything in my power to find it. But this, right now? You have to take this.”
Jensen faltered and looked over at his wife. Danneel stood, staring away somewhere as tears rolled down her cheeks. Her hand had settled low over her stomach. He looked at her, thought of her, thought of their baby, and when she turned to look at him, he saw that she had already accepted Jared’s words, as much as she didn’t want to. He hung his head, squeezing his eyes shut and wishing he could make this all go away somehow. He knew what he had to do, but that didn’t make it any easier.
“It’s okay.” Jensen looked up at Jared, who managed to smile at both of them, wiping away tears. “We’re all family, right? But you two…You took vows, you promised everything to each other, and you deserve this chance, right here, right now. It’s what you have to do.” Jared’s eyes focused on Jensen. “It’s what you’d tell me to do if our positions were reversed.”
Jensen couldn’t argue with that. If Jared and Gen were standing here before him, he’d undoubtedly tell them to go home without him.
A roar broke the moment, sounding in the distance, and Jensen’s heart started pounding. Jared’s eyes widened in panic before he brought them under control and showed his calm face to Jensen, trying to make this easier, though it never could be.
“That thing is coming for you, specifically,” Jensen said, his voice raspy and tired, stretching over the lump growing in his throat.
Jared’s smile wavered, then grew a little wider. “You’d better let me get a head start, then.”
Jensen felt his chest start heaving, felt the tears coming as they blurred his vision. “I might never see you again.”
Jared grabbed both him and Danneel in a hug, and Jensen held on tight, hardly able to breathe. “We’ll all see each other again someday, right?” Another roar sounded, closer this time, and Jared gave them both a squeeze. “I love you both.”
“We love you,” Danneel said, and Jensen barely processed her “I’m sorry” before her hand was gripping his and pulling him through the looking glass.
****
Danneel cried out and steadied herself on Jensen’s form, the shock of suddenly being back in their own world harsh and disorienting. She looked around, confused, no sign of the myriad of doors inside the hat or the hat itself, but the last thing she understood was magic. She blinked repeatedly, everything here seeming dim or dull somehow in comparison to the vivid atmosphere of Wonderland.
It took Danneel a moment to adjust, her mind reeling and almost feeling an edge of the madness she’d felt upon entering Wonderland. Part of her almost wondered if she’d just woken up from a dream. But then she turned to her husband and saw the tears in his eyes. She bit her lip and swallowed against the lump in her throat. Of course they’d already known that leaving Wonderland would be permanent, but the realization still hit her hard. No sign of the hat meant no way of helping Jared out of there. It wasn’t the first time she felt guilty about all that had happened, but the guilt was so much worse than before, making her feel hollow. Deep down, she knew it wasn’t her fault, but Jared had gone to Wonderland to save her, and now he was trapped there, with no conceivable way out. It wasn’t fair. She hugged Jensen, the two of them holding each other tight among the trees.
“What do we do now?” Jensen asked, his voice hoarse. Danneel shook her head against his shoulder.
“I don’t know. Wait.” She pulled back, fumbling to pull her phone out of her jeans pocket. It couldn’t have much power left, but she tried turning it on anyway and was rewarded with a display screen with a low battery, as well as the date and time. She stared at it for a few minutes, trying to make sense of it. “Jensen…we’ve only been gone 7 hours.”
Jensen’s eyes snapped to hers, wide and confused, mouth hanging open. “What?”
“I guess time is different there? We know people there age much slower than we do, right? ”
“So…for every hour we’re here…Jared’s there for a day?”
Danneel fought to keep her chin from trembling, and she turned away for a moment, taking a deep breath. “I don’t think anybody saw us.”
“What?”
She turned back around to face Jensen, thoughts racing to figure out what their next step should be. “On the path, before we left here, when the Hatter grabbed me. It was early, and not many people were around. I don’t think anybody saw us. If we’ve only been gone for 7 hours and nobody saw us, then we probably won’t have to explain anything to anybody, right?”
Jensen’s head tilted as he eyed her, still confused and a little angry. She didn’t blame him. She still had more to explain. “Except Jared’s missing.”
“I know,” she said, stepping forward and taking Jensen’s hand. “That’s why we’re going to Gen now. I have something we can show her to help her understand.”
****
Jared nearly dropped to his knees when Jensen and Danneel disappeared through the looking glass, his chest heaving with a choked-off sob. Instead, he ran, as fast as he could manage, running into the tall grass on the opposite side of the path. He wasn’t sure how much shelter it would offer from the Jabberwock during the day, but it was his only chance.
Or maybe not his only chance. Towering over the grass were the caps of the Caterpillar’s mushrooms. Jared sprinted towards them and threw himself beneath the one lowest to the ground just as he heard wings pass by overhead. He hadn’t realized he was shaking, his heart thundering in his chest. He could feel himself beginning to hyperventilate and he closed his eyes, trying to focus on anything but the roar from above. He couldn’t panic now. He needed to stay quiet and hidden.
Jared didn’t think about the Caterpillar much. The Jabberwock was a much bigger threat to his life, even with the hookah incident. The minutes that passed were agonizing, the Jabberwock growing more and more frustrated in his fruitless search. With his next breath, Jared suddenly inhaled something sweet-smelling that sent his mind reeling. He opened his eyes and saw smoke. He knew it was from the Caterpillar’s hookah, and this time he couldn’t escape the effects of it, slipping into a semi-conscious state.
“You can come out now.”
The voice sounded far away, until a hand started tapping at Jared’s cheeks, waking him up. Jared opened his eyes to see the Caterpillar bending over the edge of the smallest mushroom, staring at him.
“The Monster is gone,” it declared easily, moving out of Jared’s sight. Jared gripped the edge of the mushroom and righted himself, the Caterpillar looking back over its shoulder at him. “The smoke covered your smell,” it said, as if Jared’s smell was particularly unpleasant. “You hid well. It’s gone. For now.”
Jared climbed up onto the mushroom and carefully approached the Caterpillar, who airily turned its back on him. “Thank you,” he said gratefully. “Why did you help me?”
“You killed the Queen,” it answered, shrugging nonchalantly. “All of us owe you.” The Caterpillar paused, then raised an eyebrow at him, clearly wondering why Jared was still there. The Caterpillar owed him, but that didn’t make him overly welcome. "Have you made any friends here?" It sounded as though it doubted the possibility, after what Jared had done to it.
"I have," Jared said, knowing he had to flee back to Haigha's home. "Thank you."
Jared set off at a brisk pace, legs feeling wobbly from his slow recovery, the effects of the hookah smoke, and the painful mixed emotions of the day. He kept to the grass once again, knowing that if he stopped to rest this time, he wouldn't have a friend on either side of him to keep the chill and fear of the night away. So, he walked, barely dragging along by the time night did come on. He was tired, his entire body aching. He tried to focus on those aches rather than his wandering thoughts, but that wasn't exactly helping.
Jared took a chance and moved out onto the road to better gauge how close he was. He could see Haigha's front door from where he stood. He swayed on his feet and tried to keep going. When he reached the door, he collapsed against the wood instead of knocking, the thud of his body enough to wake the Hare inside.
Haigha's eyes widened when he saw Jared, then clouded with dismay. He didn't ask, not yet, and Jared was grateful, nearly falling through the door as Haigha ushered him in.
****
Jensen mutely followed Danneel to Jared and Gen's apartment in Vancouver. He was afraid of what he might say and what feelings might be released if he opened his mouth. He didn't hold anybody responsible for what happened, but the guilt and anger roiling inside of him were ugly things that could easily lead to grave mistakes. He had no idea what Danneel had in mind, but assumed he'd find out when they got there, his own mind still picturing Jared left behind in Wonderland, the Jabberwock hot on his heels.
He wasn't sure what to say to Gen when they arrived, though the looks on both his and Danneel's faces immediately caused Gen concern. They were inside and seated, Jensen silently listening to Danneel explain what happened, the actual truth, and waiting for the reaction he knew was coming.
Gen barked a laugh, her concern fading, though she remained wary, Jensen and Danneel still deadly serious. "Did he put you up to this? Because I'll kill him! I've been really worried, he's never gone for this long on a run, and he hasn't answered my calls." Though she didn't believe them, she didn't sound like she believed Jared would ever do such a thing, either. He was a prankster, but he wouldn't make her worry for no good reason.
"I can prove it," Danneel said gently, her tone apologetic and unperturbed. She called Sadie over, and Jensen frowned at her, confused. Then Danneel pulled something from her left pocket and broke off no more than a crumb, feeding it to the dog. Sadie was instantly puppy-sized again, her startled bark high-pitched. Gen bolted up from her chair, staring at the miniature dog. Jensen would have followed if he hadn't already been met with so many surprises. Danneel quickly fed Sadie a different-colored crumb from her right pocket, and Sadie grew back to normal, her ears pressing back as she whined and shivered. "Sorry, girl," Danneel murmured, patting her on the head.
"Get out," Gen said icily, and Jensen looked up at her, stood with Danneel to face her.
"Gen..."
"You left him there!" Gen shouted, tears beginning to build in her eyes as she realized they were telling the truth. She cradled her head in her hands for a moment, and Jensen knew she was battling everything that was telling her she was crazy.
"Gen, we had to," Danneel said softly, her own voice breaking. "I'm so sorry."
Gen turned away, hand over her mouth. They waited in silence for what seemed like hours, and Jensen was reminded that every hour was a day in Wonderland for Jared.
"What am I supposed to do?" Gen asked, turning back to them, her eyes red and wet. This wasn't a breakdown, not yet. It was too new, too bizarre.
"We'll do everything we can to help," Jensen said, and he meant it. He wasn't going to leave Jared behind and leave Gen as a single mother. Danneel nodded beside him. "We'll help you and Thomas until we...figure something out."
"You don't even know how to find him," Gen whispered, tears leaving trails on her cheeks, and Jensen looked away, swallowing against the guilt.
"There has to be a way," Danneel insisted. She hesitated, then continued. "In the meantime, we have to treat this like a normal missing person’s case."
"You want me to call the police and lie to them?"
Jensen felt every bit as incredulous as Gen sounded, but Danneel was right. They would all have to act now, or they would be questioned. Jared was missing, and they couldn't convince the world that he'd been trapped in Wonderland. Even with the mushrooms, the only reason Gen believed them was because she also knew them well enough to know that they wouldn't have harmed Jared. The rest of the world didn't.
"You called us after 7 hours passed," Danneel said, and Jensen was grateful to her for taking charge. He didn't have the strength. "We told you we saw him running in Stanley Park this morning. He stopped to say hi, and then we went our separate ways. Neither of us has heard from him since. He just went missing."
****
Jared dreamed of home, of Gen, Thomas, the dogs, Jensen, Danneel, their new baby. He dreamed for so long and so vividly that it felt real. When he woke, he smiled and turned over to wrap his arm around Gen, eyes still closed. He sighed and opened his eyes when he didn’t feel her there, the world he’d dreamed of crashing down around him when he saw the dimly lit confines of the hay-filled room in Haigha’s cottage. He closed his eyes again, squeezing them shut and turning his face into the soft hay, trying to tell himself that this wasn’t hopeless, and he shouldn’t cry. If anything, he felt well-rested, but for what? What did he have to look forward to, aside from searching this terrible world for a way out that may not even exist while avoiding the monster looking to kill him?
He laid there for a long while. He wasn’t sure how long he’d slept or how long he stayed in bed. He felt sick, emotions tumbling around in his chest, his stomach. Of course he’d done the right thing. Jensen and Danneel needed to get home, to protect their baby. But part of him still ached, wishing he’d gone with them, as it would. Jared wasn’t perfect, not by a long shot, and he couldn’t hide behind some façade of bravery and honor. It wasn’t as if he wouldn’t do it all over again, but he couldn’t help the feelings of regret, anger, and even a little betrayal, even if he knew it was wrong. This was harder than anything Jared had ever faced, even staring down the Queen. Somehow it seemed easier to make a stand when you knew you were going to die. But Jared hadn’t died. Jared was left here, alone, hunted and possibly never able to go back home. Part of Jared wished he had died at the hands of the Queen; that he’d managed to save Jensen and Danneel, but that his heart had been crushed by the Queen’s hands in her death throes, or on the ground, where it fell.
“You’re awake.”
Haigha. Jared wasn’t alone, after all. He supposed he could be grateful for that, at least. Haigha’s voice wasn’t questioning or pressing, just stating a fact.
“Yeah,” Jared croaked, his voice rough and raw from sleep. “Lucky me.”
“Can you tell me what happened?”
Jared turned to face Haigha and softened when he saw the concern in the Hare’s features. “Apparently, there are rules,” he murmured, sighing again. “We entered in pairs. We had to leave in pairs.”
Haigha blinked. “Then you just need someone to go with you?” he asked, voice rising slightly with cautious optimism.
“No.” Jared shook his head. “There’s nobody here that I’d drag through that looking glass with me.” He grimaced after he said it. “No offense.”
Haigha waved his hands. “None taken. From the way you all reacted when you first saw me, I’d wager there aren’t many Hares like me in your world.”
Jared managed a smile. “No, not quite. Not that we couldn’t use some.” Haigha bowed his head slightly at the compliment. “But I’m certainly not taking the Hatter with me, if he’s even still around. I know it’s his hat, and he can probably find a way through, anyway, but I’d be as insane as he is if I gave him a written invitation. Besides, it’s like you said. Everyone in Wonderland knows that they belong here. I know that they belong here. I’m not messing up the order of things just so I can go home.”
“Well…I don’t know of any other way back to your home,” Haigha sighed. “But I will try to help you find one. We’ll have to go further into Wonderland, talk to more of the citizens here. If the Hatter could make a way out, there has to be another way.”
“Haigha…” Jared pushed himself up into a sitting position with some effort, rubbing a hand over his face. He was truly touched by the Hare’s offer, but it seemed too much. “I’m sure I will get out there to try and find some way to get back home. But if I do, it’ll be dangerous. The Jabberwock is after me.”
“I’m well aware.” Haigha straightened his spine, eyes narrowing at Jared. “You think I haven’t taken any risks by helping you ever since you got here?”
Jared paused and hung his head. He’d managed to offend the one true friend he had here in Wonderland. “Of course you have. I know you have. And I’m…beyond grateful.” He looked back up at Haigha, hoping he could say something that wouldn’t come out wrong. “But that’s why I’d rather you stay here. You’re all that I have here, and you’ve done so much for us already. If anything happened to you because you followed me out there on some wild goose chase, I’d never be able to forgive myself. I’d probably just lie back and wait for the fuckin’ Jabberwock to take me.”
Haigha relaxed then, stepping over to sit down next to him on the hay. A paw warmed Jared’s shoulder, and while it was a welcome feeling, it made Jared ache for his friends and family at home. “It wouldn’t be your fault,” Haigha said gently. “I’d be going of my own free will, which I’m happy to have back. I gave it up while I was helping the Queen and the Hatter, and I regained it when I met you and your friends. I want to help you. You think I can bear sitting in here alone wondering if you ever made it home or died on the road any more than you can bear the thought of me dying to help you?”
Jared glanced at Haigha, then looked away, speechless for a moment. “Touché.” There were times even at home when he felt he didn’t deserve the loyalty and affection he was given. He felt that way now, but it still warmed him, and he couldn’t push it aside. “Why don’t we do this the right way, then? I want to get home as soon as possible, but the last time I left here, I still wasn’t quite strong enough. I slowed my friends down, and I could’ve gotten them killed. I want to be ready for a long journey.”
“Good.” Haigha nodded and stood. “You’ll need it. You can rest here as long you like, and I’ll be sure you’re well-fed-”
“Please.” Jared stood, too, unsteady, but better with the amount of sleep he’d had. “I don’t want you slaving over me while I’m here. I know I’m recovering, but let me help you wherever I can.”
Haigha smiled. “Agreed. Once you’re feeling absolutely 100%, we’ll pack some provisions and head out, keeping off the main road as much as possible.”
Jared shifted on his feet. “Well…” He couldn’t help smiling, beginning to feel some hope again, now that he had some steps to take. “I guess that’s a plan.”
Part 6