(no subject)
I am in a pickle. I did this to myself. I've been down and out for the past month and I can't seem to pull myself together. Things with Ben keep getting rockier than ever and I can't keep doing this to him. I really feel like I should break it off and just keep things as friends so I don't hurt him anymore. I know he loves me to death but sometimes he just makes me feel like the lowest being half alive, and I know its because I've been fucking off and not paying attention to what I should be doing but god, its so hard. But I'm done making excuses for myself, I'm done saying anything at all. I have less than one week to find somewhere in Lansing to live and a good full time job so I can keep living here. If this doesn't happen I'm afriad to say that it is over for me and Ben and I am moving up north to my dads. It depends on how depressed I am on if I come back to live in the dorms for school or not. It also depends on if there is any chance with Ben and if I get a job up there, maybe take classes for nursing. Everything is just so up in the air right now.
My horoscope said I need to be more assertive and its completely right. I have idea what is going on in my life and I have no control over it. I need to assume the position and take it. Obviously once this week is over, happen what may, then I can start to take control. Other than that I have NO IDEA.
Here is what I know now. I really want to end the apartment experience on a good note. I want to have a small get together in order to finish off the moving out experience and the time Mara and I have shared together. After this I don't know how much time we'll actually spend together, especially with her in Northville and me possibly in Grayling. But either way I want to have a party but its not top priority. I also know that I love Ben dearly and I don't want me moving to end our relationship. I see myself with him for the rest of my life, and I completely mean that fully. I hate that this is tearing us both apart and I hate that I am the cause of this whole situation. After all we've been through with everything going wrong, this is what would end us.
On another note, I am in need of a full time job. I am working a temp job right now but other than that, I need a full time full source of income. Hurry up Tony and get me a job ASAP.
Alright well I am going to stop updating here and get my ass in gear. I have been looking up jobs and everything else here so I need to concentrate. Tim
My horoscope said I need to be more assertive and its completely right. I have idea what is going on in my life and I have no control over it. I need to assume the position and take it. Obviously once this week is over, happen what may, then I can start to take control. Other than that I have NO IDEA.
Here is what I know now. I really want to end the apartment experience on a good note. I want to have a small get together in order to finish off the moving out experience and the time Mara and I have shared together. After this I don't know how much time we'll actually spend together, especially with her in Northville and me possibly in Grayling. But either way I want to have a party but its not top priority. I also know that I love Ben dearly and I don't want me moving to end our relationship. I see myself with him for the rest of my life, and I completely mean that fully. I hate that this is tearing us both apart and I hate that I am the cause of this whole situation. After all we've been through with everything going wrong, this is what would end us.
On another note, I am in need of a full time job. I am working a temp job right now but other than that, I need a full time full source of income. Hurry up Tony and get me a job ASAP.
Alright well I am going to stop updating here and get my ass in gear. I have been looking up jobs and everything else here so I need to concentrate. Tim