my placenta fell to the floor
So its finally hitting me that in 6 weeks I will be moving out of my apartment. This means that I have to find somewhere else to live. I have to give up school so I can work full time somewhere so I can get my ass back on track. I have to be able to support myself before I can try and finish school. As much as I try to just get done with school something else always comes forward.
Honestly I ask for help with this. I ask the one person I can for help, and nothing comes of it. And I understand why not but god damn just fucking do it. I have sacrificed soooo many times to try new things and to get where I am today. I have sacrificed family, friends, and school for things that I am in right now.
I am now being placed out and have to live by myself. I have to either find a place with a complete stranger, live in the coops (which are definately dirty and crazy), or the dorms where I will inherently go into deep depression (not to mention parking). Or I can get an apartment by myself and pay way too much to live in it, and have an inherent second roommate anyway, but without commitment. So either way I have to sacrifice something to gain something.
All I want to fucking do right now is start slamming things around and throwing every possession I have into the R. Cedar. I have to quit school or put it on hold just to be with someone and to stay in the area. Why is there always a catch to anything? There is always an either or situation never both. Never fucking give me both. I have to chose. ALWAYS! Its not like I didn't see this coming. I did. I just didn't want to face it. Well now I have to, and with only 6 weeks to do it. God life really fucking sucks. It always has!
Again sometimes I think it is better to move to my parents place either my moms or my dads but honestly I tried that and it didn't work. Why would it work this time? I don't have a car or transportation network or job for that matter anywhere. I'm completely stuck, WITH NOTHING!!
Lightning Crashes... Micheal Jackson is NOT guilty, finally! Leave the man alone. Seriously!
Ben is leaving for Wyoming tomorrow morning, and he'll be gone for quite a while. I don't like it. But hopefully I can finish classes and get a job by that time. Maybe when he gets back I'll have some stable ground and I can tell him what I'm doing instead of asking for his opinion/help. I should just figure this out on my own and be independant as it is, but again I'm weak. I'm a very very weak person and have no restraints. I need to start building walls and keeping a distance like so many other people I know.
I feel like I am telling him everything and he is telling me nothing. I don't know if thats true or not but thats how it feels. I mean we have been together for 8 months and there is no way in hell he tells me everything. He might but I don't feel like it. If he does hes secretive about it. I don't know where this came from its just coming out.
I only have two weeks of classes left and then I am dropping school to pursue a career of minimum wage that won't pay the bills, and a complete depression about school, which might even lead to god knows what.
I figure I am going to work for a year which is three semesters, I can hopefully get a small degree or maybe even go back into nursing, and take night classes. SOMETHING!
I'm irritated. and have been for the past week. That trial really fucked me up. I am not sleeping, I'm dreaming of those girls and that situation. My life goals are all losing grip of face values and I am losing my self prospective. I am losing face values.
God I'm depressed. and now, I'm going to class.
Recap-
6 weeks I'm moving out of my apartment
Dropping classes after first session
Hopefully starting full time job July 1st
Drop Fall classes if I can keep job
Find a place to live ASAP
Move back home????
~~~Re evaluate Self~~~
Stop listening to this damn song
listen to Michael Jackson when I get home
GO TO CLASS!
Honestly I ask for help with this. I ask the one person I can for help, and nothing comes of it. And I understand why not but god damn just fucking do it. I have sacrificed soooo many times to try new things and to get where I am today. I have sacrificed family, friends, and school for things that I am in right now.
I am now being placed out and have to live by myself. I have to either find a place with a complete stranger, live in the coops (which are definately dirty and crazy), or the dorms where I will inherently go into deep depression (not to mention parking). Or I can get an apartment by myself and pay way too much to live in it, and have an inherent second roommate anyway, but without commitment. So either way I have to sacrifice something to gain something.
All I want to fucking do right now is start slamming things around and throwing every possession I have into the R. Cedar. I have to quit school or put it on hold just to be with someone and to stay in the area. Why is there always a catch to anything? There is always an either or situation never both. Never fucking give me both. I have to chose. ALWAYS! Its not like I didn't see this coming. I did. I just didn't want to face it. Well now I have to, and with only 6 weeks to do it. God life really fucking sucks. It always has!
Again sometimes I think it is better to move to my parents place either my moms or my dads but honestly I tried that and it didn't work. Why would it work this time? I don't have a car or transportation network or job for that matter anywhere. I'm completely stuck, WITH NOTHING!!
Lightning Crashes... Micheal Jackson is NOT guilty, finally! Leave the man alone. Seriously!
Ben is leaving for Wyoming tomorrow morning, and he'll be gone for quite a while. I don't like it. But hopefully I can finish classes and get a job by that time. Maybe when he gets back I'll have some stable ground and I can tell him what I'm doing instead of asking for his opinion/help. I should just figure this out on my own and be independant as it is, but again I'm weak. I'm a very very weak person and have no restraints. I need to start building walls and keeping a distance like so many other people I know.
I feel like I am telling him everything and he is telling me nothing. I don't know if thats true or not but thats how it feels. I mean we have been together for 8 months and there is no way in hell he tells me everything. He might but I don't feel like it. If he does hes secretive about it. I don't know where this came from its just coming out.
I only have two weeks of classes left and then I am dropping school to pursue a career of minimum wage that won't pay the bills, and a complete depression about school, which might even lead to god knows what.
I figure I am going to work for a year which is three semesters, I can hopefully get a small degree or maybe even go back into nursing, and take night classes. SOMETHING!
I'm irritated. and have been for the past week. That trial really fucked me up. I am not sleeping, I'm dreaming of those girls and that situation. My life goals are all losing grip of face values and I am losing my self prospective. I am losing face values.
God I'm depressed. and now, I'm going to class.
Recap-
6 weeks I'm moving out of my apartment
Dropping classes after first session
Hopefully starting full time job July 1st
Drop Fall classes if I can keep job
Find a place to live ASAP
Move back home????
~~~Re evaluate Self~~~
Stop listening to this damn song
listen to Michael Jackson when I get home
GO TO CLASS!