(no subject)
A while back I recognized that I’ve been battling an addiction to eating for most of my life.
Once I recognized it, things started making a whole lot more sense; but as of yet I haven’t been able to get any real control over how I relate to food. I’ve done assorted diets, food logging, intermittent fasting, calorie counting, etc. throughout my life, but in the end I’m addicted to food and given that I seem to be the type of addict that can’t have the subject of her addiction in any sort of moderation, I’m at a loss.
Back in September things started going nut job with respect to my two smalls and school; Budgie’s teacher hadn’t read her IEP and wasn’t implementing any of the recommendations to make school “work” ( Budgie has issues with focus, writing, social skills, etc. and each day was a shit show - no work done, non compliance, actual FIGHTS). Little Red was just flat out non compliant and obstinate and despite her teachers best efforts, frequently would decide she wasn’t going to follow directions (no IEP, because she doesn’t have academic issues per say). I was crazy stressed, but didn’t really recognize how much.
I am a life long eczematic, but the rash that started developing, which eventually would be from my scalp to the soles of my feet was unlike my “regular” flares, and I thought it might be something else... I began with a general MD; who apologetically referred me to a Derm; who after a month of meds, creams and steroids, referred me to an Allergist; who after a stick test, breathing test and a generally horrible bed side manner apologetically suggested it was stress and to see a Psychologist...
In the midst of seeing the dermatologist I decided to go on a month long elimination just in case it was a new food allergy. I only ate vegetables, vegetable oil, and occasionally had meat: very quickly I lost weight and my fatigue and cravings went away, but of course, once I was done and was adding foods back in the weight and cravings and binges all came back. I’d been considering whether I should just go vegetarian again, but the lack of variation is daunting. I’ve done it before, but I recognize that to really make it work I’d have to be strictly borderline vegan.
I really wish I could “get” myself to accept portion control in the long term. I’m going to fashion a regimen for myself to try and deal with the psychological aspects of this as well... including affirmations as I have a nasty habit of “forgetting” what I’m supposed to be doing when I want to binge.
I am working out regularly again, which is good for my mental health in general and keeping my stress dealt with, but of course I keep looking at my size and freaking out because whenever I work out I bulk up initially while the muscles under the fat develop again...and I know I need to get the injestion component in line to get any results.
In truth, at this point I wish I was one of those ladies that look good with weight on them... but I’m not, I just look old and run down and feel accordingly.