Took a while...
I guess it took me a while...like 2 years...and a couple of failed relationships to figure out i want to be alone. And old and very good friend of mine told me the other day that i'm ready for a relationship...but if it's going to take the perfect girl. I know the one. But she doesn't like me... and it's not amanda... And it's not one of my ex's lol. Even though that's not a very long list. I just don't think right now that i want a real solid relationship...I'm broke, i have a bad temper, i'm lazy, i'm not good looking, i don't know anything that makes me a good guy. The only thing i know how to do right is be honest...and even that i'm not good at. I'm like everyone else...i'm flawed. But that makes a question arise...if i'm like everyone else...why do i take things so hard? Why does everything no matter how small seem to crash around my ears...no matter how hard i try. The cruelest thing i think i've ever done in my life is told a very sweet girl who was supposedly in love with me...that i loved her. And at that moment i didn't think anything of it. I told her i loved her without a second thought, but i knew it was a lie. I think that's what my cousin meant when he said i'm a good guy...but sometimes it seems like my heart is made of ice. My cousin who i loved and he was my best friend died a couple of weeks ago. Car accident... Shitty way to go. I miss ya man... Anyways... I guess i better get used to being alone. It seems like i can't make any of my girlfriend's happy. Oh well... And there is this one small thing eating away at me... My ex girlfriend told me about a guy who was cheating on his girlfriend...and she didn't care. Well see...the thing about that is...I kinda sorta know OF the girl who is getting cheated on because i know some of her friends and i've read her LJ. But when my exgirlfriend told me about it i had this feeling i should tell her. But i didn't know her...at all...so i figured it wasn't my place to tell her. But since she's taking it pretty hard i wish i would have...even though she probably would have hated me and told me i was a lying bastard or something like that...it might not have hurt her AS much... I can't seem to straighten out anything in my life. I know how to be alone...i've had 2 years of practice...but i don't like it. I wan't a friend...a companion...someone i can hold onto when i feel weak...and hopeless...and alone...someone i can love. Oh well...that's life i guess. Peace Out.