old posts revisited
Going over a post that I wrote in 2007 and reviewed in 2011 Gonna go over it again.
I feel like I fall in love and forget everything.
1. You need to understand a problem to make it better, but it doesn’t mean you have the means to fix it.
So, Understanding this doesn’t help. I am still at a loss as to what to do. I understand there is a problem, but fixing it?!
2. "Getting even” usually makes the situation worse. The more the other person tries to "get even" with you for a perceived hurt the harder it is not want to retaliate.
I got that! Here is one that I learned the first time around. The problem is now I get accused of disengaging. But disengaging is healthier than “getting even.”
3. Fights are usually due to some deeper hurt that neither of you understand at the moment. Unless both of you are willing to dig into what that is, you are stuck seeing the pointlessness of the current argument knowing you are treating the symptom not the cause.
I super wish I knew how to deal with this one. I usually end up disengaging and stating that I don’t want to fight, which makes men want to fight harder.
4. Love doesn’t fix everything, it doesn’t heal all wounds. It doesn’t make the hurt, hurt any less. If anything it makes it hurt more because it involves the person you love. I used to believe that if I love enough everything will work out, but that's just not true. It breaks my heart, but there it is.
I think I have this one down, but what do you do when you are so resentful that you don’t even feel like you love that person anymore. You are just too hurt, you have no trust. You don’t want to get close or even try for fear of being further hurt. Can you recover from that?
5. If you don’t let go of things they will eat you up on the inside. 90% of the time, I follow it. It’s that 10% that I don't let go that kicks my ass. Luckily, I remember again and can let go.
Does it make you stupid to keep forgiving and letting go if they keep hurting you in the same way? Does it make me you a bitch to hold on to things that keep happening? I feel like I am either Stupid or a Bitch that there is no winning, only loosing. You can only “kick” someone so many times before they stop trusting you. I have 0 trust.
6. No matter how much you love someone, if you’re on different paths, you end up going in different directions.
Sure! But if your potential partner shows you that he is on a path that appears to be parallel to your own, you think you are good. Then you find out that they just wanted to be with you, so they followed you down your path. Then a year or so goes by, you are entwined and they decide that they weren’t paying attention to the path only the shininess of who they thought you were. Now the shiny has worn off and they dislike your path. What can you do?
7. Money (or lack thereof) can make people in the most powerful relationships tear each other apart.
Money is often the cause of many fights.
8. Pride and stubbornness can be a person’s downfall and has the power to ruin your life.
Swallowing my pride didn’t help, being stubborn doesn’t help. I’m at a loss.
9. Patience is a hard thing to accomplish especially with adults, but knowing that being patient with adults is difficult doesn't increase your patience with them.
Still working on that.
2011:
1. Everything is two sided and no matter how hard you try on your side, you can only ever get to the middle. If the other person won't meet you there, there is no compromise. Nothing gets better.
Sadly, my stubbornness had kicked in again, and if I see that I am not being met halfway, I just stop trying altogether. I get an attitude of “Fine, if you aren’t gonna try, neither will I.” I know that isn’t helpful or healthy. I’m just tired.
2. You can be open and honest about what you want and expect, but if the other person doesn't tell you what they want or expect, you will inevitably not meet their expectations. Communication is two sided.
Yep! Still there. Sean has NO IDEA what he wants.
3. I need to feel free to be myself, to be honest and open without being blasted. I need to feel safe.
I don’t feel safe to express myself. I get accused of being bitchy and unreasonable.
4. I need verbal recognition for my contribution in a relationship. I need to be told I am appreciated and that I've done a good job.
I feel unappreciated for all that I contribute. I feel that I am expected to cover costs when money is tight, but he doesn’t have to even though he brings in more money that I do.
5. I need someone who not only knows what he/she wants, but is willing and able to express it.
I certainly didn’t get that.
In summation: I have learned that you have to be mindful of yourself and your own needs, desires, & intentions, but you can't make a relationship work by yourself. If communication is not flowing both ways you can't fix the problems you have together. If you don't have a safe place to discuss hurts, wants and expectations, then you will create an environment that breeds lying and resentment.
Look! I found myself back here again. I pick partners VERY BADLY! I super hope this counselor can help me. I am overwhelmed, bitter, angry, resentful, and stressed out. I need help.
I feel like I fall in love and forget everything.
1. You need to understand a problem to make it better, but it doesn’t mean you have the means to fix it.
So, Understanding this doesn’t help. I am still at a loss as to what to do. I understand there is a problem, but fixing it?!
2. "Getting even” usually makes the situation worse. The more the other person tries to "get even" with you for a perceived hurt the harder it is not want to retaliate.
I got that! Here is one that I learned the first time around. The problem is now I get accused of disengaging. But disengaging is healthier than “getting even.”
3. Fights are usually due to some deeper hurt that neither of you understand at the moment. Unless both of you are willing to dig into what that is, you are stuck seeing the pointlessness of the current argument knowing you are treating the symptom not the cause.
I super wish I knew how to deal with this one. I usually end up disengaging and stating that I don’t want to fight, which makes men want to fight harder.
4. Love doesn’t fix everything, it doesn’t heal all wounds. It doesn’t make the hurt, hurt any less. If anything it makes it hurt more because it involves the person you love. I used to believe that if I love enough everything will work out, but that's just not true. It breaks my heart, but there it is.
I think I have this one down, but what do you do when you are so resentful that you don’t even feel like you love that person anymore. You are just too hurt, you have no trust. You don’t want to get close or even try for fear of being further hurt. Can you recover from that?
5. If you don’t let go of things they will eat you up on the inside. 90% of the time, I follow it. It’s that 10% that I don't let go that kicks my ass. Luckily, I remember again and can let go.
Does it make you stupid to keep forgiving and letting go if they keep hurting you in the same way? Does it make me you a bitch to hold on to things that keep happening? I feel like I am either Stupid or a Bitch that there is no winning, only loosing. You can only “kick” someone so many times before they stop trusting you. I have 0 trust.
6. No matter how much you love someone, if you’re on different paths, you end up going in different directions.
Sure! But if your potential partner shows you that he is on a path that appears to be parallel to your own, you think you are good. Then you find out that they just wanted to be with you, so they followed you down your path. Then a year or so goes by, you are entwined and they decide that they weren’t paying attention to the path only the shininess of who they thought you were. Now the shiny has worn off and they dislike your path. What can you do?
7. Money (or lack thereof) can make people in the most powerful relationships tear each other apart.
Money is often the cause of many fights.
8. Pride and stubbornness can be a person’s downfall and has the power to ruin your life.
Swallowing my pride didn’t help, being stubborn doesn’t help. I’m at a loss.
9. Patience is a hard thing to accomplish especially with adults, but knowing that being patient with adults is difficult doesn't increase your patience with them.
Still working on that.
2011:
1. Everything is two sided and no matter how hard you try on your side, you can only ever get to the middle. If the other person won't meet you there, there is no compromise. Nothing gets better.
Sadly, my stubbornness had kicked in again, and if I see that I am not being met halfway, I just stop trying altogether. I get an attitude of “Fine, if you aren’t gonna try, neither will I.” I know that isn’t helpful or healthy. I’m just tired.
2. You can be open and honest about what you want and expect, but if the other person doesn't tell you what they want or expect, you will inevitably not meet their expectations. Communication is two sided.
Yep! Still there. Sean has NO IDEA what he wants.
3. I need to feel free to be myself, to be honest and open without being blasted. I need to feel safe.
I don’t feel safe to express myself. I get accused of being bitchy and unreasonable.
4. I need verbal recognition for my contribution in a relationship. I need to be told I am appreciated and that I've done a good job.
I feel unappreciated for all that I contribute. I feel that I am expected to cover costs when money is tight, but he doesn’t have to even though he brings in more money that I do.
5. I need someone who not only knows what he/she wants, but is willing and able to express it.
I certainly didn’t get that.
In summation: I have learned that you have to be mindful of yourself and your own needs, desires, & intentions, but you can't make a relationship work by yourself. If communication is not flowing both ways you can't fix the problems you have together. If you don't have a safe place to discuss hurts, wants and expectations, then you will create an environment that breeds lying and resentment.
Look! I found myself back here again. I pick partners VERY BADLY! I super hope this counselor can help me. I am overwhelmed, bitter, angry, resentful, and stressed out. I need help.