A Satirical Scrooge - Penn & Teller's Charity
Hey,
I wanted to have this chapter finished last week but that just didn't happen. Ugh! Too many things are going on at the same time. It sucks!
Anyways, I was determined to have this finished by this weekend, and I was successful. Yay! ^_^
This is the first official chapter of "A Satirical Scrooge" since this first installment was a prologue. I hope you all like it. If you need to read the prologue to catch up on what's going on, just scroll down on the main page of my Journal and you'll find it. :-)
Title: A Satirical Scrooge (1/?)
Author: me
Rating: R
Characters: Bill Maher, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Penn & Teller, Lewis Black, George Carlin, Heather Headley (yes, her) and many others.(some characters will show up later)
Pairings: Bill/Heather, Jon/Stephen, Bill O./Ann C., Rob/Ed, and John/Rob. (pairings will come later in the story)
Genre: AU, angst
Disclaimer: I own nothing! I only own this fic. My muse for this story is A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens.
Enjoy! ^_^
Maher climbed the icy steps to the front door of his office building. The wind blew wildly and cold tremors moved through out his body, but Maher thought nothing of it. He entered the building and shut the door behind him quickly. The writers were at their desks, scribbling intently. They pretended to look busy and refrained from making eye contact with him. Maher watched them suspiciously as he walked past toward his office. He did not permit any slacking off from his writers and would threaten any of them if he caught them doing so.
Maher removed his hat and coat and hung them on the coat rack behind the door of his office. Before settling down to work at his desk, Maher looked at the empty desk in the far corner of the room. He grumbled to himself and then stuck his head out of the room, glaring at the writers.
“Where’s Stewart?” Maher nearly snapped.
They flinched and slowly lifted their heads from their desks, and shrugged.
Maher looked down at his watch. It was 9:35 a.m. “Damn! Where the hell is Stewart?” He grumbled loudly and went to back to his desk.
Then the front door opened slowly and Jon Stewart slipped a foot past the doorway, trying his best not to disturb the writers or be noticed by Maher. Suddenly a large gust of wind blew the door open, dragging Jon, who gripped tightly to the doorknob, across the floor and crashing into the wall.
“Whoa!” Jon exclaimed, surprised.
Papers flew from the desks, leading the writers to jump up and try to catch them. Once Jon was able to get a handle on the door and close it shut, he walked over to help the writers get their papers back in order. “Sorry, you guys.” Jon apologized. They smiled warmly and patted him on the shoulder, telling him that it was no problem.
Maher, after hearing the door slam and the chattering between the writers, stuck his head out once more. His gaze went directly to Jon. “Stewart! Where the HELL have you been?” The writers quickly scrambled back to their desks. Jon turned to Maher, who was glaring at him, and blushed and hung his head low. “S-sorry Bill.”
Jon brushed past Maher through the doorway of his office. “There were a few things I needed to get done at my place and plus the weather is unbearable out there today, not to mention the traffic…”
Maher waved his hand at Jon. “I don’t care about your excuses, Stewart! There are things you need to get done here first. You were supposed to be to work at 8:00 a.m. sharp!” Maher noticed, as he looked closely at him, Jon’s face was red and had wet lines on his cheeks. For a moment he wondered if it was from the cold or if Jon had been crying.
Jon nodded, “Yes, Bill.” Jon took a seat at his own desk in the corner.
Maher ignored his last thought and grabbed the stack of papers from on top of his filing cabinet, and dropped it on Jon’s desk. “Now get to work!”
After an hour had passed, there was a knock at the front door.
Maher looked up from his writing and turned to Jon. “Answer the door, will you?” Jon got up and walked over to open the door.
A large man, in height yet not so much in width, stood in the doorway. Jon jumped a bit in surprise, but then smiled when he recognized the man.
“Mr. Jilette! It’s so great to see you. How’s it going?” Jon smiled warmly at him.
The man brushed the snow off his shoulders and stomped his feet before entering.
“Jon, when are you going to start calling me Penn? We’ve known each other for years. C’mon now!” He engulfed Jon in a tight hug.
Jon giggled. “Yeah, I know.”
Penn gave Jon a few friendly pats on the back before letting go. “But I’m doing pretty good, thanks.” He said, but paused when he felt an elbow nudge against his lower back. “Oh, yeah, in fact, we’re doing great.” Penn chuckled and moved aside so that Teller could come inside.
Jon smiled and extended his hand toward the shorter man. “Hey, Teller!” Teller shook his hand and grinned. Jon raised his arms in a gesture. “Here, let me take your coats.”
“Thanks.” Penn said and Teller nodded, stilling grinning.
Maher stood in his office doorway and said, “Who is it?”
Penn looked at Maher and smiled. “Hey, Bill! How are you doing? Not working too hard are you?”
Maher snorted and responded bitterly, “Why not? Work keeps business and money flowing in. Plus it keeps your mind off the depression.”
Penn waved at the writers before entering Maher’s office. “That’s true, but it’s the holidays. It’s the time of year that you take your mind off work and celebrate life with friends and family.” Penn playfully wrapped an arm around Jon’s shoulders and pulled him close. Jon steadied himself against Penn and giggled heartily.
Maher rolled his eyes at them and sat back down at his desk. “This time of year is for the foolishly religious people and their stupid beliefs.” Jon frowned at Maher’s cynicism.
Penn took a step forward. “Oh, c’mon Bill. You know that’s not true.” He moved to stand to the side of Maher’s desk to get his attention better. “I mean sure, the religious people get their own giddy happiness from the festivities this time of year, but we non-religious, you and I, can enjoy it too.”
“I would say, anti-religious, but that’s just me.” Maher added sarcastically. “What could we get out of it besides depression and maybe some decent sales on clothing and food? It seems to me this time of year is all about business.”
Penn pushed his glasses up to the bridge of his nose. “But you see, we liberals celebrate the meanings of charity, peace on earth, good will to all people, and the many other good things that come about this time of year. The money and business stuff is for the conservative fuckers to gripe and hog about. Not us, Bill.” Penn put a hand on Maher’s shoulder.
Maher looked up at Penn intently and sighed. “Well, I guess you’re right about that. But friends and family are things that I lack considerably in number.” There was an unintentional hint of sarcasm in his voice that lingered from his mood. “I mean I had one friend that I might have considered spending the holidays with, but he’s gone.” Maher said with almost no emotion, which did not reflect how he really felt on the inside. He pointed to the large, empty desk facing his own with a dusty nameplate reading, Stephen Colbert. Maher truly did miss his partner in comedy but tried too hard to deny the fact he was gone for good, made his response appear unfeeling.
Penn’s expression became somber and let his head fall slightly. “Oh, yeah. That was one of the reasons Teller and I stopped by.” He squeezed Maher’s shoulder and rubbed the top of his back. “I’m so sorry about Stephen. I know he was a good friend of yours. Did he have any close relatives? A wife?”
Jon let out a heavy sigh and felt his eyes water, but fought to not let the others see him cry.
Maher was the only one who detected the deep emotion in Jon’s sigh, and raised an eyebrow at him for a moment, but then turned back to Penn. “No, Stephen didn’t have any close relatives in the area and he never got married.”
“That’s too bad.” Penn said sadly. “Well, you are always welcome to come over and eat at our place if you’re looking for company.” He patted Maher’s back again.
“Thanks, but I think I’ll pass.” Maher tried to show as much gratitude as he could muster, but was getting eager to finish his work. “Now, you said that was one of the reasons you are here, why else are you here?”
Penn stepped back and gestured to Teller, who held out a large envelope. “We are collecting money for the few charities in town and we’re all getting together tomorrow evening to host a food and clothing drive for the poor. Jon will be there, I know.” Penn glanced at Jon, who smiled back. “So, Teller and I were hoping we could count you in on both or at least one of those things.”
Maher stared blankly at Penn and Teller. He then set down his pen and stood up from his chair. “No.”
Penn shook his head and leaned in closer. “No? For which one?”
“Both.” Maher moved to stand directly in front of Penn. “Work is scarce this time of year and so there is less money to spare and I will be fortunately working tomorrow, so I cannot attend the food and clothing drive.”
“But, Bill…” Penn began to protest, but Maher stopped him.
“No. I’m surprised you even come to ask me for such a contribution, as if I don’t give enough to the liberal organizations in town? I give plenty, thank you very much!” Maher started to usher the two men toward the front door. “Now, my writers and I have a lot of work to finish, so I would appreciate it if you two left.”
Penn held out his hands and Teller moved behind him. “Okay! Fine, Bill. Chill the-fuck-out!” Penn was a little annoyed, and wanted to give Maher a piece of his mind, but held his tongue. “C’mon, Teller. I think we’ve taken up enough of Mr. Maher’s time. Let’s go.” He moved to grab his and Teller’s coats, but Jon jumped ahead of them.
“Here, let me get them for you.” Jon grabbed their coats from the rack.
Penn smiled warmly at Jon. “Oh, Jon you didn’t have to do that. But thanks, my friend.”
As Jon handed them their coats, he whispered, so that Maher did not hear him, “I’m really sorry fellas about Bill. You know, that’s just the way he is. Nothing we can really do, unfortunately.”
Penn and Teller buttoned up their coats. “Its okay, Jon. But we very much appreciate your help and look forward to seeing you tomorrow.” Penn pulled Jon into another tight hug. Jon hugged him back, smiling.
Before opening the door, Penn turned to the writers and then to Maher and yelled, “Happy Holidays everybody! You especially, Bill. Happy Holidays.” The writers echoed their holiday wishes to Penn and Teller. Teller tipped his hat and waved good-bye, and closed the door behind them.
"Bah! Humbug!" Maher grumbled. "All of you get back to work! You too, Stewart!" Jon sighed and dragged his feet into the office behind him.