it's a lonely world out there...but there's still hope, right?
It seems like I keep going through these dry spells here...I update then I go away for weeks, sometimes months at a time. As strange as it may seem, this journal has almost been a constant companion for me. There have been many changes through the years...some good, some bad. Glimmers of my old self and the person I still hope to become. Some days it's hard to face those things...more often than I wish for. So, hello old friend, I have missed you...even though I sometimes fear the words that hover beneath the surface of my heart. This has been my long winded way of saying that things have been rough lately. Sometimes I wake up and loneliness suffocates me. It's something I've been praying on and struggling with. I feel a little lost right now...but I still have faith that the answers to all my questions will come to me when the time is right. Even talking about this now, I still feel a little distant from it, much like I have been with this journal. It's been my way of dealing with things for a long time. The emotions are there but I don't give into them because I feel like I can't. There aren't a lot of people around me that I feel like I can truly trust right now...and the people I trust the most is dealing with their own demons and I can't burden them with mine.
But I don't want to focus on that right now, it occupies too many thoughts as it is. And despite the things I have been struggling/dealing with, there have been ripples of light that far outweigh the rest of it. So a little update about my life (the positive side): we've been in the new trailer for about six weeks now, it's been great to have a room of my own again and I have a better place to gather my thoughts now than I did before. The cats have adjusted well to the new house, especially Tucker. He's really opened up since we've moved here and he's been even more loving toward me than he was before. He sleeps beside me at night, especially now that it's getting colder. He's been a comfort to me...which is the amazing thing about animals. They can heal you without even trying.
Another thing...Friday was Leslie and Trinh's birthday (clients at work) and I bought them a new outfit for their birthday. Leslie was over the moon about it...when I gave her the gift bag she was so excited and she loudly told everyone that she got a present. I bought her a pretty black lace blouse and a long purple and black skirt. She looked beautiful in it and she grinned from ear to ear after she put it on. It felt really good to watch her, her warmth and her joy was so genuine. I was so glad the outfit fit her and that she felt as beautiful in it as I hoped she would. These guys don't get new clothes very often, many of their clothes are from second-hand stores so I try to get them new things on their birthdays when I'm able to. Trinh didn't really react to her present the same way Leslie did (she's low functioning) but she was in a good mood that day which is always a blessing with her. And today she kept holding onto both of my hands. I'm glad she knows I care even if I lose sight of that sometimes, it's good to be reminded of it.
Now a little about the upcoming holiday--I'm bringing Rufus home for Thanksgiving. His father wasn't able to take him home for the holiday so I decided to bring him home. His dad was very grateful for it and to be honest, I'm glad that I was able to bring Rufus home for the holiday (along with Trinh, he's my favorite and has been since I started working there). I know I can't make up for his family, but I hope he enjoys the holiday anyway. It'll be nice to share my holiday with him and my family...maybe it'll keep my family from arguing this year. On a random side note, this is going to be my first meatless Thanksgiving. I was still a casual meat eater last year, but my feelings about meat have changed. I'm beginning to have compassion for the animals and I can't bear the thought of eating something that used to have a heart-beat...especially after I read a blog post about a feast for the turkey, not of the turkey. I hope to attend a feast like this someday, it's one of the most beautiful things I've ever read. Not trying to preach at anyone, just sharing my thoughts. Anyway, I have a cruise coming up in a few days (a much needed vacation) so I might not be posting again until I get back. Hope you all have a happy and safe holiday (for those who celebrate of course).
But I don't want to focus on that right now, it occupies too many thoughts as it is. And despite the things I have been struggling/dealing with, there have been ripples of light that far outweigh the rest of it. So a little update about my life (the positive side): we've been in the new trailer for about six weeks now, it's been great to have a room of my own again and I have a better place to gather my thoughts now than I did before. The cats have adjusted well to the new house, especially Tucker. He's really opened up since we've moved here and he's been even more loving toward me than he was before. He sleeps beside me at night, especially now that it's getting colder. He's been a comfort to me...which is the amazing thing about animals. They can heal you without even trying.
Another thing...Friday was Leslie and Trinh's birthday (clients at work) and I bought them a new outfit for their birthday. Leslie was over the moon about it...when I gave her the gift bag she was so excited and she loudly told everyone that she got a present. I bought her a pretty black lace blouse and a long purple and black skirt. She looked beautiful in it and she grinned from ear to ear after she put it on. It felt really good to watch her, her warmth and her joy was so genuine. I was so glad the outfit fit her and that she felt as beautiful in it as I hoped she would. These guys don't get new clothes very often, many of their clothes are from second-hand stores so I try to get them new things on their birthdays when I'm able to. Trinh didn't really react to her present the same way Leslie did (she's low functioning) but she was in a good mood that day which is always a blessing with her. And today she kept holding onto both of my hands. I'm glad she knows I care even if I lose sight of that sometimes, it's good to be reminded of it.
Now a little about the upcoming holiday--I'm bringing Rufus home for Thanksgiving. His father wasn't able to take him home for the holiday so I decided to bring him home. His dad was very grateful for it and to be honest, I'm glad that I was able to bring Rufus home for the holiday (along with Trinh, he's my favorite and has been since I started working there). I know I can't make up for his family, but I hope he enjoys the holiday anyway. It'll be nice to share my holiday with him and my family...maybe it'll keep my family from arguing this year. On a random side note, this is going to be my first meatless Thanksgiving. I was still a casual meat eater last year, but my feelings about meat have changed. I'm beginning to have compassion for the animals and I can't bear the thought of eating something that used to have a heart-beat...especially after I read a blog post about a feast for the turkey, not of the turkey. I hope to attend a feast like this someday, it's one of the most beautiful things I've ever read. Not trying to preach at anyone, just sharing my thoughts. Anyway, I have a cruise coming up in a few days (a much needed vacation) so I might not be posting again until I get back. Hope you all have a happy and safe holiday (for those who celebrate of course).