Life is beautiful but it's complicated
I went to the beach today which generally holds no appeal to me, but today I needed it. It's funny how people are drawn to the water when they're sad or reflective. Maybe it's the endlessness of the it, the ebb and flow of the water, evaporation, and eventual return to the ocean. It's all about life, how it cycles around, seems to end, but begins again. And they're waters that have been cycling around and around for centuries, maybe that's the appeal of it, that reminder can make a person feel small or infinite. And memories can roll in gently like that water or they can crash into the sandy banks, leaving the imprint of their ripples behind. Much like pain goes. It's a mark that never leaves, no matter what changes are made after, that initial cut into the surface remains.
I guess I never get over this stuff, I guess no one ever really can fully escape the influence of the people that raised them. I try so hard to move past my dad stuff, but then he calls...at his convenience and for the first time in months, knowing full well he's dying and that I was trying to open back up...he just expects me to be a doormat and then I refuse. I run to the beach. I cry at the reminder that I have a permanent crack in my ribs because of him. I forgot...I forgot so much and today it's back. I hate that he can still do this to me, but there is one difference: I'm not a crumbled mass. I let myself feel and then I picked my own self up, moved on again. If nothing else, I feel like all these things make me gain strength when all I used to feel was weakness. When I reflected over the waves, moving in silent succession it hit me: how beautiful and how much a part of the elements I am. My experiences and emotions just make me expand, so I let them flow through me and they mold me into the universe at large.
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"Life could come out of our love and our smooshing, and that's beautiful.
It all makes me feel like I'm part of something bigger. Like I'm more awake somehow."
-Anya [Forever]
I guess I never get over this stuff, I guess no one ever really can fully escape the influence of the people that raised them. I try so hard to move past my dad stuff, but then he calls...at his convenience and for the first time in months, knowing full well he's dying and that I was trying to open back up...he just expects me to be a doormat and then I refuse. I run to the beach. I cry at the reminder that I have a permanent crack in my ribs because of him. I forgot...I forgot so much and today it's back. I hate that he can still do this to me, but there is one difference: I'm not a crumbled mass. I let myself feel and then I picked my own self up, moved on again. If nothing else, I feel like all these things make me gain strength when all I used to feel was weakness. When I reflected over the waves, moving in silent succession it hit me: how beautiful and how much a part of the elements I am. My experiences and emotions just make me expand, so I let them flow through me and they mold me into the universe at large.
---
"Life could come out of our love and our smooshing, and that's beautiful.
It all makes me feel like I'm part of something bigger. Like I'm more awake somehow."
-Anya [Forever]